Random Thoughts on a Wednesday Morning

I have so much going through my head...it might just be jumbled, but I wanted to document it all somehow.

• I get the unique and sacred opportunity to go with my mom and sister to dress my grandma's body for burial. I am grateful for this opportunity, even though I am certain it will be emotional. My grandma was very special and very close to all her descendants, but there is an extra special bond she shares with the three of us. I know she will be there as we dress her body and I know it will be a moment all four of us (including her) will treasure. Ironically, it was her that I went to the temple with most often during my first year after being married.
• Speaking of temples, I hope to have time to do a session this afternoon. I am going through withdrawal for not having been for a week and a half. If I do end up with the time, it will be the Provo temple, the one I went to every Wednesday with my grandma after I got done teaching. And...it is Wednesday. Perfect.
• CK flies in tonight. I am so excited. I KNOW that Heavenly Father provided for us by bringing us together for a time. Both of us have needed each other during these months and we feel so loved and taken care of to have this time to be together. The end is fast approaching, though. It will be very difficult. I will miss him a TON! But, I know this has to happen. For now, I am so grateful he is coming to support me. It is a strange feeling to have someone care about me and sacrifice for me. I am so grateful.
• The divorce has been final for six months. Half a year. I am okay. I am happy. I still miss XDH, but I probably always will. I didn't choose to be sealed to him planning to be apart from him, so the missing of him will probably always be there somewhere in the recesses of my heart. I am happy, though. I have so much to live for. I have so much good in my life. I didn't know if I could make it through this, but, with a lot of help from Heavenly Father, Friends, and Family, I have.

There you have. Random thoughts by me.

Happy Birthday, K!!!!

K is 11! She is so excited. She is the best daughter ever! She flies in today. I can't wait to see her.

Family and Friends

First, I love, love, love, love, love my in-laws. I wish we never had to leave. The house next door is for sale and I would buy it in a heartbeat if I could. I am so grateful that the divorce did not cause us to be apart. They are my sisters and my parents. I love them more than I can describe and they are so important to me. I cannot and will not give them up when I remarry. It is a package deal. I am so glad we are here.

Second, I miss K. I love her so much and being apart from her is odd. I have never been apart from her for this long. EVER. I am so glad she had fun. I am so grateful to the S Family for taking her in and taking care of her and giving her the opportunity to be at C4K for another week. It is disappointing to K (and to me) that she has to miss the last week of C4K, but she is a trooper and taking it well.

Third, CK is coming in 4 days. I am excited. I am grateful he is coming to support me at my grandma's funeral. We will spend time with my family, my in-laws, and his family. It will be a busy weekend, but I am grateful for him and his desire to be here. I know many of you are wondering what is going on. It is difficult to explain. We know that there is a "no" answer for us to be married, but there is not a "no" answer for our relationship. So, even knowing the impending heartache, we are enjoying this season (See D&C 51) of being together. It is good for us to love again. It is good for us to have a healthy romantic relationship. It is good for us to spend this time loving each other and being best friends. It is also good for us to be obedient and be apart for a while or for forever. We know it is coming, faster than we might want, but the Lord's will be done. For now, though, CK is coming in 4 days and I am so excited! :)

24.5 in 34 for 1400

Update:

My grandma did not die Saturday night like the doctors assured would happen. So, the boys and I left early Monday morning (K stayed with some dear friends to do College for Kids) to try to make it to Idaho. We drove 14 hours and slept overnight in Denver with my parents. Tuesday, we drove another 10.5 and made it to Pocatello. A friend of CK's put us up for the night, including watching my boys so I could go to the hospital.

It was worth it....24.5 hours of driving in a 34-hour time period for a total of 1400 miles.

It was worth it. I got to spend nearly 2.5 hours with my grandma. She knew who I was. She was responsive and able to communicate a little. She hugged me. She told me (even though it was difficult) that she loved me. I got to give her extra hugs and love from my mom and my sister. I left planning to go back early the next morning. I think she somehow knew I was driving from Texas and waited for me. Just over an hour later, I got a call to get to the hospital as she was agitated and struggling with breathing. I got there in about 10 minutes. I stepped off the elevator and the nurses immediately informed me that she passed away about 30 seconds before, probably while I was on the elevator.

I am okay. She looked so peaceful as I went in to her after she had died. She has been ready to go for years and now she is free of her 94-year-old mortal body. I am grateful I got to say good-bye. I am so glad I drove all those hours and I truly feel like I wasn't alone. There were angels helping me stay awake and pushing me to drive further. It is an experience I will cherish.

I love you, Grandma.

Now, I have added over 300 more miles on the car, visited some of CK's family, toured the Idaho Falls Temple visitors' center, visited the falls with my boys, and also paid respects at the gravestones of my father's parents and sisters. Being there on Wednesday meant more to me after being with my grandma on Tuesday. Just another reminder that life is too short to worry, be depressed, or focus on the negative of life.

My Dear Grandma

I have an extra, extra, extra special relationship with my grandma. We just do. We have always been super close. Well, she is unexpectedly in a hospital and now not going to make it. I will probably post one just about her and the memories, but for now.....this is the last pictures I have of her. I loved her so much. She loved XDH and my divorce was so difficult on her. Now she has been praying every day for me to find someone. I ache that she will never meet my future husband. I ache right now that I am alone in my house with no support to turn to and no shoulder to cry on. There are times when this single-thing is harder than others.

I was planning a trip to Utah around her 95th birthday. She never even knew I was coming. I am so grateful that I got to see her in December, though. Grandma....I hope you visit Texas when you get your wings! Love ya. ~Ruth

Thank-you

New Favorite Song

I have struggled some over the last day...a little anger, a little frustration, and a little depression. Sometimes it seems that while I believe all the promises I have received from Heavenly Father, He really is just sending me one heartache after another. I am fine being alone, but the heartaches are tough.

But, I remembered a song I'd heard a time or two....and I've decided it is my new favorite. Some day, I hope I will rejoice in its sentiment:

"Bless The Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you....

Envelope, Please

And, after a day of fasting and prayer,........the verdict is in. The answer is still "No." It is not CK that the Lord is planning for me. But, I have faith more than ever in His wisdom for me. He truly knows all things.

I also believe Elder Holland when he said, "Look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed to the future." So, bring on the future. If life was so great with M and so great with CK....I can only imagine what the Lord is planning for me now. :) Single or married, alone or together, I have a great life and the only thing that is certain is that the Lord knows me, loves me, and will lead me, guide me, and walk beside me.

CK

CK has come and left. It was one of the very best weekends of my life. I definitely am in-love with that man. After M, I didn't think I would ever love again, but I do or did. I don't know if I will ever see CK again. I have to follow the Lord with whatever He tells me. I know He won't lead me away from Eternal Happiness, but rather towards it. He knows exactly who is best for me and I know that if I listen I will be okay. :)

I picked CK up Friday night after Day Camp. I am sure it was a great first impression: bright orange camp shirt, wet and sweaty with yucky hair and no make up. Yet, I had become such good friends with CK before we ever met that I was okay with going straight from camp. Good thing! I didn't have a choice with the timing of it all.

Saturday, we got to go here together:
(My favorite place!) We also went bowling and I got the worst score I have EVER scored. I guess I was distracted....54. Yikes! It is embarrassing to admit that! We also played and played and played Rockband. It was fun and CK rocks at it! :) One of the things I absolutely love about CK is how much fun we have together. I don't think I have ever dated anyone that made me laugh as much as CK. I think as long as we are together that we could have fun in any situation. We just laugh. I have never been as completely myself as I am with CK either. I was close with M, but there is an added comfortability with CK that allows me to just completely be myself and if I make a fool out of myself, we just laugh...together. Oh, how I love it and oh how I am hoping I will get to experience that with him forever. Time will tell.

Sunday we went to church and to my sister's house. It was a great day.

Monday was Flag Day. I think there must be a rule: if you are a man and coming to visit me to meet me and see if you might want to marry me....you have to be here on a day to help C do flags. Here is CK with C:

And, finally, we had to have some photos together so we can remember this weekend. C was our photographer and he had fun posing us and taking pictures. Don't look too closely or you might see the tears in our eyes as we thought of saying good-bye. :(

This one is my favorite:

Good-bye, CK. Love ya.

Yep...Now my gut and my heart are having an MMA fight in my body. The thing is: I love the Lord more than I love CK. I will always follow as He directs. Always. I did with M when it was difficult to wait. I will with CK, even if it is difficult to say good-bye. I will continue to follow the Lord until He leads me to Mr. Mystery whom He promised me is out there.

Priceless

I still have many posts pending.....like Cub Scout Day Camp: One of the best days EVER of my life. I had so much fun! It was hot, I was soaked, and I got to spend time with C. What could be better?

But...for now...

Finally kissing the man that has been my best friend for months: Priceless
Sending him home Monday, never to see him again: Just Got More Difficult

3 days!

Yikes! I have been in the middle of a special post about K, but between my computer problems, the Internet not working, and Blogger being down....it is not done yet....hopefully very soon!

But I did have to mention that CK comes to meet me in 3 days! I am excited. I am also saddened. I know that CK is not going to be more than my friend. It helps me gain perspective by being on this side of a "no" answer. It is not easy. I know it was hard for M and now I know first-hand. CK has become my best friend, though, and I am still so excited to finally meet him in person. I am grateful for the sacrifices he is making to come, even knowing the outcome of our relationship. I am a lucky girl and one day he will marry one even luckier and special woman, of that I am certain. :)

Also, CK brought to my attention a blog post from a year-ish ago. OK....I tried to copy and paste and it wouldn't do it...so just go look at it....it is so true, everything I felt a year ago is so true. And, the heartache I feel now is minuscule in comparison to the pain I felt then. Time truly is a great healer. Thank goodness. Oh how great the mercy of my God! (Click here for the link)

Bittersweet

It appears that once again the Lord is taking my life in a direction that I did not expect and I do not necessarily want. I have more faith than I realized, though, for I am letting Him lead me, even though it goes away from the desires of my heart. He knows me better than I can imagine and I trust Him that He has a plan for me. I just have to follow, even if it means yet another heartache. What a bittersweet weekend meeting my best friend will be. Hello and Goodbye all at once is what it appears to be.

Happy and Busy

I think this past week is definitely in the running for the busiest week of my life. I have so many pictures to share and I hope to "really post" soon. It has just been school stuff for the kids, church stuff for me (and for the kids), watching a newborn, and helping a best friend as she temporarily moves to California. Put it all together and I am not sleeping much, eating much, or cleaning much. But, the time is fast approaching when I will have more time to do all three.

But, I left the last post on a sad note and I have to make sure that all you worriers out there know: I am happy. I am okay. I wish life had turned out differently (with M), but I've done that song and dance before (with XDH) and come out okay on the other end. I have new worries and new hopes and dreams (with CK). I only have one May 29, 2010 and I am going to live it to the fullest. I already did my favorite thing: went to the temple. There is no better place on the planet for me. Every time I feel I am coming home and every time I feel rejuvenated and ready to face the world. Tomorrow will be the only May 30, 2010 that I will ever experience so I want to also live it to the fullest and look back on that date and have no regrets. I want to be who I am, love like I love, live like I live, and cherish each and every second while doing it!

My Heart Works! :)

A final broken heart. At least I know that my heart works. My heart wants to love. My heart wants to feel. After all that I have been through, it is not hardened and bitter. What a blessing to know that my heart is not broken....I found that out with a broken heart. Ironic, isn't it? Good-bye, Matthew. Hello to the rest of my life.

A Great Family Home Evening

Tonight, we had such a wonderful Family Home Evening. It actually turned out better than I'd hoped when I planned it.

We began with a song and prayer, of course. Next, I read some scriptures to the kids from the Doctrine and Covenants about being wise stewards. We have been incredibly busy the last couple of weeks and our house is not up to the standard of being wise stewards of our possessions. As I talked about it, I had a lot of grumpiness because they knew we were going to have to work and do services (chores). But, we did a scavenger hunt where we beat the clock not each other. It was a blast! We worked so hard. We all worked together. There was no fighting, arguing, or complaining. We just worked hard and we got the whole list (see above) done in 21 minutes, thus earning us a bowl of ice cream for a treat! It was a blast, the house is cleaner, and we are all making memories working together. What a great FHE! :)

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time there was an amazing man. He was lonely and needed a friend. Once upon a time there was an amazing woman. She was lonely and needed a friend, too. God brought them together and they became very best friends, but both ended up wishing for more. They spent hours talking together, crying together, consoling each other, rejoicing with each other, being there for each other. Then, a day came when it was time for the friendship to dwindle. Hearts were broken. After months together they had become such a part of each other's lives. But, it was time. It was time. I am the woman. My heart is breaking and once again, I find myself with overflowing tears. Yet, I know that this is how it should be. Doesn't make it any easier. One of my favorite movie quotes of all time is applicable here: "The pain now is part of the happiness then." How lucky I have been to know CK and be best friends with him the last few months. Oh, how I needed him. Oh, how I will miss him. But, oh, how I trust the Lord. His ways I will follow. The tears won't always be here, right?

Mother-Daughter Time!!!

I have started this post about three times....and I always have Internet problems while the pictures are loading. It worked this time, hurray!

K and I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together. I love my boys so much, but there is just something special about a mother-daughter bond. I am so grateful for the love we share and for the opportunities that we had-three in less than a week-to spend time together.

First was a mother-daughter picnic for the Activity Day girls. The leaders are absolutely fantastic. We had so much fun. Thanks to XDH for allowing K to go with me and be later in her time with him! Here we are together. I don't like this picture of me, but it is the only one of us together.
One of the games that the girls absolutely loved was when all of them laid underneath blankets with just their feet sticking out. The moms were supposed to figure out which feet belonged to them. It was much harder than we thought it would be, particularly with their feet down and we couldn't see the color of their nail polish! (I did find K, by the way)

And...this wasn't part of our mother-daughter alone time, but I still wanted to include it and she was in it. So, a mother's day picture of me and my kiddos. Love them!

Next, I took her out of school a little early one day for a mother-daughter "date." We registered her for College for Kids, then went to our yummy, yummy puposa place.

We also went to Sam Moon and bought some cool matching earrings before having to head home. It was a great time!

Finally, for time #3, I got to be a chaperone for a field trip to a choir competition. I got to ride the bus over an hour each way. It was hot and windy, but I love being with the kids on the bus. K is in a select choir at her school. She has gotten to perform in many places and they practice very hard after school each week. This was the culmination: the competition.

At the "practice tent:"

During the performance (they sounded GREAT!!!):

After the performance, they got to ride some rides at the little amusement park. We didn't have a lot of time, but they had fun on the ones they were able to do. I had fun with my little group of six girls that I was in charge of (yes! a preposition at the end of a sentence. sorry).

Here is S and K with the trophy after the competition (they won a first place...each choir is judged and given a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place for their technique and sound and...well I really don't know what all):

On the bus, going home:

I am so grateful to have K as my daughter. She is my oldest and my only girl, both of which give us a special bond. She really wants a sister and is hopeful that I will remarry someone with a girl or two (or three!) close to her age. For now, though, we are the females of the house and we love each other with a fierceness and closeness that is difficult to describe.

K, if you read this, I love you! I am so glad you are my daughter. You are so special. You have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ. You have a strong sense of right and wrong. You have a strong desire to make everyone feel included. You excel at school. You are talented in so many ways. I am very pleased with all you have done and continue to do. You are amazing and I love you! Love, Mami

13 years

13 years ago today I went to the temple for the first time. I went with DH, my parents, and my good friend, Wendy. Today, I reflect on what a blessing that has been in my life. I am so grateful that I live in a time when temples dot the earth, that I am worthy to enter, and that I have one close by. Happy Temple Anniversary to me! :)

What goes down must come up...

First, thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I know they all helped me recover from my "down" day yesterday.

In addition, all these things have helped me to recover and I am doing much better!

1. Talked to one of my best friends, Chad, for three hours last night. For some reason, we are not meant to be more than friends, but we are so lucky to have each other to lean on right now. He amazes me every day with his wisdom and support. I am very blessed.
2. The Primary Activity: It was amazing. Thanks to lots of very careful planning by Sister P, we couldn't have asked for a better activity. I felt the Spirit over and over again throughout the morning: in the Testimony of President Hinckley, as I had the opportunity to bear testimony of Jesus' resurrection, as the children talked about holding to the rod, and through music. Who could feel down with the special spirit that the Primary children bring? I am still adjusting to my new calling, but the love for the children is just so automatic. What a blessing from our Father in Heaven who loves and cares for His little ones more than we could ever imagine.
3. Going to the temple. It had been closed for two weeks and this was the first Saturday back open. I felt so much like I was going home. I know, even though I frequently have to be reminded, that my Savior lives and, not only does He live, He KNOWS every heartache I feel and is right there, ready to succor me. I could've lived in the temple today. He is always ready to give me peace and answers and to direct my life.
4. Listening to the Prophets testify of Jesus Christ video. I was driving, so I couldn't see it, but I listened all the way home from the temple. It is amazing what a great Spirit of truth comes with apostolic testimonies of Jesus Christ.

How blessed I am! How blessed I am to be able to have the tools at my disposal, just waiting for me to grab, to lift myself up (with help, of course!) when the despair comes and I am down. How truly blessed I am. I have no room to complain. None at all. :)

Am I supposed to be okay?

Am I supposed to be okay? Is that what is supposed to happen?

I am not.

After being abandoned by two men that I loved in the last couple of years (one I loved for years and years and the other, after much trepidation, I allowed myself to trust and fall in love with quickly), I feel so alone.

But...I guess I am supposed to be okay. I guess enough time has passed from both XDH and M that I am supposed to be okay. Friends used to call and check up on me, but, with the passage of time, I even feel estranged from them and completely alone.

Part of it might be expectations. I expected and hoped and dreamed that after the divorce was final that I would have "friends" to go and date Friday nights when I don't have kids. I definitely did not expect to fall in love, neither did I expect that I would remarry quickly and perhaps not at all. I didn't even expect to have a boyfriend. But, I did expect to date. Nope. No one wants me.

Many have told me that my standards are too high, that I will NEVER find what I am looking for with such a high bar. But, I can't lower them. I just can't. It wouldn't be true to me. So, I guess they are right. I will never find anyone.

What is it that I don't have? I feel like I have so much to offer. Maybe not. Maybe it is just me. It if frustrating to finally open your eyes and realize what others (like XDH and M) have already figured out: I just don't have what it takes.

I am okay...just so everyone knows. Really and truly, I am okay. I even feel better venting. :) Please don't post messages to try and "console" me or refute what I have said. This was not a "pity-party-please-cheer-me-up" post. I just needed to vent. -sigh- Much better! :) No worries, okay?