Last night, LD comes running into my room, awakened by a nightmare (spiders were going to get him). I immediately pulled him up into my bed, hugged him tight, and promised, "It's okay. I am here. I will protect you." As I said these words, I new wave of fresh emotional realization rushed over me. There is something I have been subconsciously hurting about: I failed my kids as their mother. Mothers are supposed to protect their children. My children are hurting so, so, so much and I cannot protect them from this pain. Oh, how I feel I have failed them.
On a little bit of sillier note, last night I threw a tiny temper tantrum against myself by not reading my scriptures (I had that morning, but I usually do at night as well). I still prayed, but I was so depressed and hurting that I chose to avoid doing one of the only things that would bring me peace: reading my scriptures! Silly me.....it really didn't hurt anyone but myself. At least I woke up this morning laughing at the silliness of that choice.
Stitch By Stitch...
2 days ago
10 comments:
YOU have not failed them in any way, shape or form. YOU are not the source of the hurt. There really isn't anything you can do to protect them from it, just do what you can to lead them through it... Be an example to them in how to deal with disappointment and loss.
can't say it better than nikko --you di not do the hurting
First of all, I completely understand that feeling. However, Nikko is right. As much as we want to, we can't protect our little ones from all the hurts. We just help them get through it. And you are doing a wonderful job with that. You are a wonderful example to your kids. You are a wonderful mom.
I totally agree with the previous comments. You are doing an amazing job of dealing with a very difficult situation that you wouldn't have chosen for your family. They are blessed to have you as a mom!
Have you ever noticed that some people get the false idea that when the become Christians nothing bad will ever happen to them again because now God is protecting them?
Of course, that's not what God has promised. He's promised to help us through it, to carry us, to comfort us, to strengthen us, to love us. All those things He expects moms to do for their children. And you are so good at that.
you are not a good mom... you are an awesome mom. Despite the pain and hurt that you are going though you make the choice to get out of bed every morning and BE a mother to your children. You are making the choice to support and love them... YOU are an awesome mother... they know how much that you love them, and love is really all that matters.
DO NOT beat yourself up over that one... hold your head high knowing and believing that you are doing a good job.
We all wish that we could protect our children from all of the hurt in this world, but that is not humanly possible. So bite your tongue because you are one of the most amazing mothers I have ever known!
One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with as a mother was that because of my (and my husband's) imperfections and faults, we were inadvertently hurting and scarring our children. They were going to have issues, either now or later, because of something I said or did not say or did or did not do. Here they came to me perfect and no matter how I tried to do it right, I was not perfect and could not help or raise them perfectly. I hurt because of the realization that I was "scarring them for life!"
Then one day, I realized that everyone has issues, hurts and broken hearts in their lives. There is no escaping it. As I grew up, I had my share. Even though my parents were great, they weren't perfect either. I was wounded (as I believe everyone becomes so in this natural world). And no one and nothing helped me to heal, except for the Savior, Jesus Christ through his atonement. I became healed, whole, at peace, and happy where I was once torn and broken. If He was sufficient help for me, He would certainly be okay for my children. Their issues and pains will inevitably surface from the inadequacies and frailties that this mortal experience brings to them (and even oft times through me).
I realized that my biggest job as a mother was to teach them who Jesus Christ is as their Savior and how He loves them and can help them. How the atonement can work in their lives. That the atonement's power is not just in forgiveness in sin, but in turning evil to good, ugly to beautiful, broken to whole. And that He is the only true source for help and healing when all of their issues surface(some inevitably, but not purposefully, caused by me).
That understanding lifted a huge burden from my shoulders. I could give kisses to help scratches, but He has the power to heal souls. He could heal my childrens' souls if they would just have faith and ask. So, No, I don't know how to be a perfect mother and protect them from pain, but I do know the Savior and can teach them to Whom to go for protection and peace throughout their lives. I pray that they will soak up the testimonies I tell them of Him and gain for themselves the faith needed so that they will go to Him for help and care.
That is, by far, the Greatest protection, I could possibly give to them.
Wow, B! That was a long post. Thank-you. I do KNOW without a doubt that my Savior lives and loves me and He lives and loves my children. I have the wonderful opportunity to teach them this. But, even as I have taught them even more about their Savior and their love for Him has grown, I have not taught them as much about the healing power and the making-whole power. What great wisdom, my friend!
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