Merry Christmas

I am having soooooooooooooo much fun! I love CK's family. I truly feel that they are my family already. How lucky I am to have THREE families! :)

I miss my kids. I want to talk to them every day, but they seem to get really worked up and emotional when we talk. I think they don't really think about it until they hear my voice.

Christmas was perfect. It was also CK's birthday. Great, too. :)

I am so happy. CK is absolutely perfect for me and I am so happy. I had a Bishop tell me at the beginning of everything starting with XDH that there would be moments of joy and hours of sorrow. He was right. But, now it is the opposite....moments of sorrow and hours of joy. We are meant to be and I am so happy. :)

Early Christmas Eve

Update:

• My computers are both fixed! Thank-you, P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• I spoke in church on Sunday. I don't mind speaking in church. I am always amazed at how Heavenly Father takes my few hours of preparation and multiplies it, and how when I try to put things together MY way, it doesn't work, but when I do it His...it just flows. I am so grateful.
• I woke up Saturday morning without a voice (Yep, I spoke and sang in church on Sunday without much of a voice!)
• It has gradually become me feeling sick. Yuck!
• I am surprising CK with something when we meet today. I am soooooooooooo excited. I think that is why I woke up and could not go back to sleep.
• It was 81 degrees yesterday. Perfect! I am headed to Idaho today....high=36 degrees. YIKES!

Now, for the early Christmas. My kids are gone. DH picked them up last night and they are probably close to the airport right now. I am so glad that they are going to be with my in-laws. They are all amazing people. I love them all-every one of them. :) It has been a couple of rough weeks as they anticipated separating from me for Christmas. DH really came through this weekend, however. He allowed them to spend extra time with me. This gave them some greater respect for him and they were more ready to go. It makes me soooooooooooooooooooo much happier when they are okay.

Last night, then was a little like Christmas Eve for us, so we treated it like that.

First, we went out to dinner (a family tradition for Christmas Eve) to Logan's Steakhouse. It was so fun. We laughed and laughed. J loved throwing the peanuts on the floor. K and C decided to pretend they were doing a challenge in Amazing Race and try to have all the peanuts in the container gone before our food got there. They almost made it and we did finish the entire can before we left! :)

Next, we came home, read scriptures, and had a very special family prayer-a family prayer to celebrate Christmas and it's true meaning, a family prayer to protect us while we are not together, and a family prayer filled with love and unity.

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Then.....the kids got to choose one present (another family tradition for Christmas Eve) and open it.

They each choose a present that they loved, loved, loved. It was so fun to have them all playing with them. C got a glow-in-the-dark basketball from K. K got a pillow pet from C. J got some guns and other cowboy stuff from Grandma and Grandpa L. They were so excited and had so much fun playing together outside. Yep....first day of winter: 81 degrees. PERFECT!

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Here is J all dressed up like a cowboy (wearing his new stuff and stuff from a cowboy party he went to last week):

And....me.....sick. It has been difficult to get everything done to get ready for Christmas, the kids packed and ready to leave, the house ready, and me ready to travel. So....I haven't. I have been trying to only do essentials and rest otherwise. We had been playing a family game of Dutch Blitz when it hit me that I had to go lay down. The kids' dad then came to get them. There were lots of hugs, tears, and "I love you"s. But, we are okay. I am so glad. I will miss them. They will miss me. This isn't how it was supposed to be, but....we are at peace. :)

So, Merry Christmas to everyone!

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I leave you with a quote from President Hinckley, "He is my God and my King. From everlasting to everlasting, He will reign and rule as King of Kings and Lord of Lords. To His dominion there will be no end. To His glory there will be no night. None other can take His place. None other ever will. Unblemished and without fault of any kind, He is the Lamb of God, to whom I bow and through whom I approach my Father in Heaven."

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I, too, know that Jesus Christ lives. He lives! He chose to come to deliver us from physical and spiritual death! He lives. He knows us. He loves us. He knows how to succor us no matter the pain: physical pain, pain of sin, or pain of the heart. And, this is why we sing with the angels: "Hallelujah! A King is born!"

Still Alive

I am alive. My two computers are not. That is where I have been....computerless. Luckily, very luckily, I have an amazing brother-in-law that not only works on my computers, but has lent me his netbook to borrow for a time. I am so blessed. :)

I am excited for Christmas, although there is still much more to do than can possibly be done. :( I am looking forward to being with CK and A and CK's family. I am dreading being without my kids. They are not wanting to go with their dad for Christmas and it just doesn't seem fair that a mere piece of paper (the divorce decree) determines what happens to them, not their own choices. But, this is the life they have to deal with and I ache for them. I am not a child of divorced parents, but, seeing it through their eyes, it really stinks. :(

Yet, overall, life is good. I have a great house, good friends, an amazing ward, a wonderful calling, outstanding children, a Savior that loves me individually, and a man that thinks the world of me and treats me better than I have ever been treated in my life. Funny story: I went to the hospital to be there for a friend late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. CK lives 700 miles away, yet he didn't sleep well until he knew I was home and safe-about 3 AM. It feels good to be worried about.

Where do I fit in?

So...I have many, many pictures to post from Thanksgiving, but my laptop died. Luckily, I have this dinosaur computer as a back-up, but it is soooooooooooooooooooooooo slow that it isn't much fun to be on the Internet at all. :( Hopefully it will be fixed soon.

I have had a few difficult days in a row. :( (For different reasons)

Today was better. I paid to have J watched so I could go do some much-needed Christmas shopping.

But, now, I am wondering just where do I fit in. It will be my first Christmas without my kids. I am heartbroken over that. It just isn't right. My in-laws will all be together, except me. I love them. They love me. This isn't fair. My kids want to be with me, but they don't get to choose where they go on Christmas. That isn't fair either. Thank goodness they will be with their cousins.

I am so lucky to get to be with CK and his family on Christmas, but I don't really fit in there either. I am excited to get to know them, but, so far, we are not engaged or married, so I don't quite fit in there yet either.

This isn't how it is supposed to be. It hurts. A lot.

Luckily, as I have struggled over the last few days, I have been reassured that I really do not need to do this all alone. Soon, I will have a partner and helpmate. I need him. He balances me. He takes care of me. He is there for me. Truly, I should not be complaining.