First Day of School Pictures

Finally....here they are....my two fifth graders (okay, okay, S is not really mine...I just watch her before and after school and this is our 4th school year with her....so, I claim her) and my third grader. I am so proud of them. They are great kids and I am already impressed with them this school year.

Will it ever get any easier?

So....will it? I just was reading my blog posts from two years ago. They have a whole different tone than over the last year. I used to be happy. I used to not know what heartache meant. I used to feel secure in my life, marriage, family, and business. Some days I just don't know how I can go on.

Enough of that. Today was the first day of school. I will post pictures tomorrow in another (happier) post. But K started 5th grade and C 3rd. CRAZY! They loved it. I really think they have the best teachers for them this year and I am happy so far. I have requested specific teachers in the past, but we have such an amazing principal that for the last couple of years, I have just written her a letter regarding my children's strengths and weaknesses and personalities and what personality-style of a teacher would best suit them and let her choose. She does an amazing job and she really cares which student goes where. It shows. Our school is one of the best around. I think she did a great job for both C and K this year and I am happy.

Lonely

I have been doing really well. I promise. I have many more "good" days than "bad." But, tonight, like most Fridays, I am alone. Usually, I am fine, but tonight the emptiness is very real. I guess because we are on the final countdown. As soon as DH and his attorney present our paperwork at the courthouse, it is done. Over. Done. Final. That could be this coming week or, at the latest, the next week. Funny, the only thing I remember our sealer saying at our sealing is, "Failure is not an option." He said it many times and I will always remember sitting there, glowing, next to DH, and hearing those words. I guess he was wrong. Failure is an option. And it hurts. It just plain hurts.

"Please, blow my pasta for me."

Oh, the faith of a child. Tonight at dinner, LD's pasta was hot. He says to me, "Mom, I am going to ask Heavenly Father to blow it for me."

Immediately, he folds his arms, closes his eyes, and bows his head. Then, in a very pleading voice says, "Heavenly Father, my pasta is hot. Please, blow my pasta for me. Please! Amen." It was such a sweet moment....and I did have to hold in the laughter.

Happily, LD reported that his pasta was cooled enough now that Heavenly Father blew it and he started right in to eat.

Again...the faith of a child.

Circus Fun

Last night, the kids and I went to the circus. We have only been once before when K was 6 and C was 4. They got pretty tired of it pretty fast, so I wondered how this would go. This summer, though, I have really been trying to find inexpensive fun things for us to do. All three kids got free passes from the summer reading program at our local library and I had a 1/2 off coupon for my ticket, so we ended up paying $10 for all four (well, add $10 for parking)...still $20. Not bad. Our seats weren't even too bad...right in the middle and half way up. We could see everything really well.

We ended up having a really great time! We are all just so tired today from our late night last night.

Failed & Silly Me

Last night, LD comes running into my room, awakened by a nightmare (spiders were going to get him). I immediately pulled him up into my bed, hugged him tight, and promised, "It's okay. I am here. I will protect you." As I said these words, I new wave of fresh emotional realization rushed over me. There is something I have been subconsciously hurting about: I failed my kids as their mother. Mothers are supposed to protect their children. My children are hurting so, so, so much and I cannot protect them from this pain. Oh, how I feel I have failed them.

On a little bit of sillier note, last night I threw a tiny temper tantrum against myself by not reading my scriptures (I had that morning, but I usually do at night as well). I still prayed, but I was so depressed and hurting that I chose to avoid doing one of the only things that would bring me peace: reading my scriptures! Silly me.....it really didn't hurt anyone but myself. At least I woke up this morning laughing at the silliness of that choice.

More good days than bad

It has been a bit since I posted. Mostly, I have just been busy enjoying the last two weeks of summer with my kids before school starts. But...I know you are curious as to how I am doing. There have been more good days and happy days than bad. Today happens to be a really low one, but, there is always tomorrow, which will be great!

I am still trudging through my 978 pictures from our trip to Colorado and Utah a couple of weeks ago, but I did find these few last night that I love so much. Perhaps I will get around to posting more later (just, please, do not hold your breath....I don't want to be responsible for anyone passing out in front of her computer!).