Life never goes quite as planned. It is a long (and difficult to explain) story that CK and I have with a future that is still unknown. CK came and visited me for the third time. And....for the third time we had to say goodbye. Tough. Tough. Tough. Thank-you, CK, for driving so many hours just to see me. Thank-you!!! -sigh- Saying goodbye is tough. Every time.
We are super busy. Always so much to do....never enough time to do it all. I am trying so hard to be a good mom, but I am still failing miserably. I feel so alone. The burdens I carry seem heavier and heavier and the help and support seem farther and farther away. Who can I tell that my rash on my face is back and hurting and that I now have to go to the doctor for the 5th time regarding this? Who can I tell that I was on the phone with Dish Network for almost two horrid hours? Who is there to be excited with me for C finishing all his Wolf requirements for cub scouts? This might be "but a small moment," but in the middle of it all, it seems unbearably long.
CK and I were hoping it never would. But, it did. Both of us felt it separately today at church. It is time. I ache, but I am ready to do the Lord's will. I hurt, but I know He won't lead us astray. I want to still be CK's best friend, but I know we crossed that line a long time ago and it is impossible to go back. A lot of lonely days and nights are ahead, but, in the words of Garth Brooks, "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." I love you, CK. You know that, right?
C turns 9 today! I love him so much. I am so impressed with the way he is maturing and growing up. He is all boy and it is so much fun. I love his smile with his dimples. I love his nurturing way that he loves me and his siblings (when he is not fighting with them). I love his desire to serve and help others. I love his sense of responsibility. He is a wonderful boy that is rapidly growing into a wonderful young man. I am so blessed to be his Mami. Love you, C!
We are home. :) We drove a total of 4054 miles and took 724 pictures (even after deleting many!).
It is good to be back. I have a lot of "real life" facing me now, but it is good to be ready to tackle it! We saw many people we loved. We also missed seeing many people we loved or even people I wanted to meet for the first time. It was such a whirlwind and so unexpected and, therefore, unplanned.
We made it through the first leg. :) We are in Colorado at my parent's house. We are sitting at over 3200 miles already and a large chip in the windshield. :( It was so difficult to leave my sisters-in-law and their families and my dear parents-in-law. I love my family with all my heart.
CK update: I miss him a ton. We know that for the immediate future we have to be apart. We both have a lot of growing to do. We are excited to see what the future will bring for us. Together or separate, we will be okay. We know it. Heavenly Father loves us.
Final thought: I absolutely LOVE Time Out for Women. I didn't get to go last year, so I bought the DVD. I have been listening to it in the car (I can't really drive and watch it at the same time). I love it. The Spirit is so strong. The messages so true. The worth as a daughter of God is so tangible. The love of my Father is confirmed. I am so blessed to live in a time that I have this resource for me.
We have been going, going, going, and going. It seems as though we don't get a second of free time, which might be true, but the memories made in the last two weeks will last a lifetime. In the last week, I have met a friend from middle school days, had the viewing, picked up CK, had the funeral, gone to Idaho to CK's family, participated in 4th of July festivities with his family, back to airport to drop off CK, church, family testimony meeting, temple square, visiting with amazing friends that moved from Texas to Utah and that I love so much, fireworks, and much more. It has been a whirlwind.
I actually considered extending our vacation another week and adding in some fun and unique things for the kids and I. BUT, as I prayed about it, it didn't feel right. It would be another week and a lot more driving. We are tired physically, we are tired emotionally, we are tired financially, and we are just plain exhausted. So....I will be driving again tomorrow. I already have 2700 miles under my belt and driving doesn't sound fun. Coming home does, though. I will miss my dear family so much (I still wish I lived next door), but home is home and I am ready to go.
I am a happily married LDS SAHM of six kids (17-year-old girl, 15-year-old boy, 12 year-old girl, 9-year-old boy, a 3-year-old girl, and a 2-year-old boy). I love life. I am truly blessed to know my Savior, Jesus Christ. I desire to spend my whole life in service to Him. I love my children with all my heart and dedicate myself to being the best Mommy I can be...it is a daily challenge, but one I cherish.