12 years, 7 months, 7 days

If there was a gravestone on our marriage, it would read:
May 24, 1997-December 31, 2009.

For so long, I thought it was May 24, 1997-Forever. I even have books and pictures that say this. Nope. It is over. And, we were married 12 years, 7 months, and 7 days.

I do have to say that the first 11 years were incredible. We had a great marriage and I treasure those memories. The last year and a half have been tough due to the many surprising decisions of XDH (Yep. Now that the divorce is final, his name has changed to XDH). Ironically, it was also just after Christmas almost exactly 13 years ago (January 3, 1997) that XDH proposed to me. He asked me to marry him in front of the Mt. Timpanogas temple, which is where we were married/sealed a few months later. Oh, the ironies of life!

I am ready. I am ready now to start a new life. The peace and calm that I feel demonstrates yet again to me how much my Heavenly Father knows me and just how much He is aware of me. How lucky I am!

D Day: The good, the bad, and the ugly

D day: Dooms Day, AKA Divorce Day

In less than 24 hours, I will be a divorced woman. Tomorrow is the day that DH is going to court.

The good: This last year has not been fun. It is kind of cool that the divorce will be final on the last day of 2009, allowing a completely brand new life for 2010.

The bad: DH told me what day he was going to court...even though I didn't want to know.

The ugly: OK, maybe not ugly, but I am somewhat frustrated....he asked ME to babysit the kids while he goes to court. How does that work? Asking your wife to watch the kids so you can go to court to finalize the divorce? So, he will drop them off tomorrow and we will be married. He will pick them up a few hours later and we will be divorced. C-R-A-Z-Y!

I know everyone wonders how I am doing. I am okay. I swing from deep sorrow that this divorce that was not in my life plan will be final so soon to relief that it is finally over. I can move on. I can close the door to 2009 and begin anew in 2010. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Love you all! Happy New Year! :)

One of the best Christmases ever!

I come home tomorrow. So sad to leave. I just have to say that what potentially could have been the very worst Christmas of my life was not. It was one of the very best. I'll post about it later (hopefully!).

I just love all my family and friends.

I am one of the lucky ones!

To Be Like Him

Merry Christmas to all!

My dad combined verses from 1st Corinthians 13 and Moroni 7. It really impacted me that these are the characteristics that I really need to focus on. Some, I am doing well on and others I have to work on. All, of course, I can improve on.

So, as I ponder even more my Savior this time of year, who He is, and how I can be like Him, I am looking at who I am and who I want to be.

Am I full of Charity? Do I...

• Suffer long?


• Am kind?


• Envy not?


• Am not puffed up?


• Seek not my own?


• Am not easily provoked?


• Think no evil?


• Rejoice not in iniquity, but rejoice in truth?


• Bear all things?


• Believe all things?


• Hope all things?


• Endure all things?

Great things to think about this time of year. I want so much to be like Him. Long way to go, but at least I have guidance (it is a list! What can be better?).

Colorado

We made it! We are here right now in Colorado. Much to the HUGE disappointment of my kids, there isn't much snow...just a little here and there in the shady places. Many prayers are being said for the snow. We will see what happens.

It was so amazing that we were even able to get here with the week we had the last 7 days. It is crazy to go through crowded airports with three kids by yourself. Really crazy! We didn't all get to sit together on the plane, but it turned out okay. The airline helped us many times. But, I am still scared about Monday....when we fly to visit DH's family in Utah. More crowds, more people, more stress. I think we are going to show up to the airport three hours early just so we can make it in time with all the kids and backpacks and carry-ons and security. It is crazy.

If I don't get back to y'all later...Merry Christmas. Don't forget the reason we celebrate. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves us. This I know.

Just when you think it can't get worse.....

......It does.

After all the health issues of this week, the drama with DH, and other dramas, this morning I was simultaneously sooooo ready to take the sacrament and so not wanting to even put forth the energy of going to church.

With much effort, I get the kids ready after DH drops them off (This is one thing I have to say about him.....he is flexible in letting them attend church 99% of the time. Kudos, DH!). We all get in the car and....it won't start. -sigh- It finally does and off to church we go....then K (who had been complaining of a stomach ache all morning) now says she thinks she is going to throw up. Oh, joy.

We get to church 13 minutes late. I park far away and reverse into my parking spot to make it easier if I need a jump after church and head in...barely making it for the sacrament in the foyer. Not exactly the quiet moments of reflection and peace I had envisioned.

What more could possibly go wrong?

Yet, what more could possibly be right?

In the midst of it all, Sacrament Meeting was amazing and the Spirit was so strong. I knew I was in the right place. Then, after dropping of the kids at DH's after church, I came home and watched a CES fireside from Elder Scott, given in 1999 (love the DVR!). It was just EXACTLY what I needed. Questions I'd had about my situation, DH, and where to go from here were all answered in the Lord's own way. Maybe I needed to feel so broken so I could be put together with the Lord's loving hands.

Thank-you for your thoughts and prayers. Keep them up. The rest of 2009 promises to still be difficult, but, for now...I am doing really well and, compared to yesterday, it feels sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good! :)

Addendum: I just had to document that we feel so loved tonight. Life was already 1,000,000% better than yesterday and to make it even better, we had an outpouring of love. We had carolers, doorbell ditchers, Relief Society presidency, and our dear Bishop and his wife all drop in on us just tonight. The Lord has taken care of us. He has shown his love through others and I am truly grateful. My support system has been immense and, I must admit, that while there are definitely times I feel so alone and abandoned, there are many more times that I feel so loved. Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you.

Yuck...it has happened.

It has happened....I, today, am the bitter and angry woman I have fought and fought and worked and worked for the last year and a half NOT to be. There is no use fighting it now. Yuck.

DH has been meaner to me in this last week than he has been in months (probably since July). I understand he doesn't want to be married to me....I am holding up my end and doing my part for the divorce, even though it is not what I want. Why does he have to be mean, malicious, and hurtful?????? Does he think it will be easier for me to be divorced if I hate my ex-husband?

All I know is I cannot do this any more. I feel so alone. It is Christmas and my friends need to be with their own families, not with a bitter, angry, soon-t0-be divorcee. I will never understand why my DH would want to do this. Never. I just feel so rejected, isolated, and completely alone.

The bitterness is here. I give in, surrender, and wave the white flag. Can't fight it any more.