Merry Christmas

I am having soooooooooooooo much fun! I love CK's family. I truly feel that they are my family already. How lucky I am to have THREE families! :)

I miss my kids. I want to talk to them every day, but they seem to get really worked up and emotional when we talk. I think they don't really think about it until they hear my voice.

Christmas was perfect. It was also CK's birthday. Great, too. :)

I am so happy. CK is absolutely perfect for me and I am so happy. I had a Bishop tell me at the beginning of everything starting with XDH that there would be moments of joy and hours of sorrow. He was right. But, now it is the opposite....moments of sorrow and hours of joy. We are meant to be and I am so happy. :)

Early Christmas Eve

Update:

• My computers are both fixed! Thank-you, P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• I spoke in church on Sunday. I don't mind speaking in church. I am always amazed at how Heavenly Father takes my few hours of preparation and multiplies it, and how when I try to put things together MY way, it doesn't work, but when I do it His...it just flows. I am so grateful.
• I woke up Saturday morning without a voice (Yep, I spoke and sang in church on Sunday without much of a voice!)
• It has gradually become me feeling sick. Yuck!
• I am surprising CK with something when we meet today. I am soooooooooooo excited. I think that is why I woke up and could not go back to sleep.
• It was 81 degrees yesterday. Perfect! I am headed to Idaho today....high=36 degrees. YIKES!

Now, for the early Christmas. My kids are gone. DH picked them up last night and they are probably close to the airport right now. I am so glad that they are going to be with my in-laws. They are all amazing people. I love them all-every one of them. :) It has been a couple of rough weeks as they anticipated separating from me for Christmas. DH really came through this weekend, however. He allowed them to spend extra time with me. This gave them some greater respect for him and they were more ready to go. It makes me soooooooooooooooooooo much happier when they are okay.

Last night, then was a little like Christmas Eve for us, so we treated it like that.

First, we went out to dinner (a family tradition for Christmas Eve) to Logan's Steakhouse. It was so fun. We laughed and laughed. J loved throwing the peanuts on the floor. K and C decided to pretend they were doing a challenge in Amazing Race and try to have all the peanuts in the container gone before our food got there. They almost made it and we did finish the entire can before we left! :)

Next, we came home, read scriptures, and had a very special family prayer-a family prayer to celebrate Christmas and it's true meaning, a family prayer to protect us while we are not together, and a family prayer filled with love and unity.

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Then.....the kids got to choose one present (another family tradition for Christmas Eve) and open it.

They each choose a present that they loved, loved, loved. It was so fun to have them all playing with them. C got a glow-in-the-dark basketball from K. K got a pillow pet from C. J got some guns and other cowboy stuff from Grandma and Grandpa L. They were so excited and had so much fun playing together outside. Yep....first day of winter: 81 degrees. PERFECT!

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Here is J all dressed up like a cowboy (wearing his new stuff and stuff from a cowboy party he went to last week):

And....me.....sick. It has been difficult to get everything done to get ready for Christmas, the kids packed and ready to leave, the house ready, and me ready to travel. So....I haven't. I have been trying to only do essentials and rest otherwise. We had been playing a family game of Dutch Blitz when it hit me that I had to go lay down. The kids' dad then came to get them. There were lots of hugs, tears, and "I love you"s. But, we are okay. I am so glad. I will miss them. They will miss me. This isn't how it was supposed to be, but....we are at peace. :)

So, Merry Christmas to everyone!

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I leave you with a quote from President Hinckley, "He is my God and my King. From everlasting to everlasting, He will reign and rule as King of Kings and Lord of Lords. To His dominion there will be no end. To His glory there will be no night. None other can take His place. None other ever will. Unblemished and without fault of any kind, He is the Lamb of God, to whom I bow and through whom I approach my Father in Heaven."

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I, too, know that Jesus Christ lives. He lives! He chose to come to deliver us from physical and spiritual death! He lives. He knows us. He loves us. He knows how to succor us no matter the pain: physical pain, pain of sin, or pain of the heart. And, this is why we sing with the angels: "Hallelujah! A King is born!"

Still Alive

I am alive. My two computers are not. That is where I have been....computerless. Luckily, very luckily, I have an amazing brother-in-law that not only works on my computers, but has lent me his netbook to borrow for a time. I am so blessed. :)

I am excited for Christmas, although there is still much more to do than can possibly be done. :( I am looking forward to being with CK and A and CK's family. I am dreading being without my kids. They are not wanting to go with their dad for Christmas and it just doesn't seem fair that a mere piece of paper (the divorce decree) determines what happens to them, not their own choices. But, this is the life they have to deal with and I ache for them. I am not a child of divorced parents, but, seeing it through their eyes, it really stinks. :(

Yet, overall, life is good. I have a great house, good friends, an amazing ward, a wonderful calling, outstanding children, a Savior that loves me individually, and a man that thinks the world of me and treats me better than I have ever been treated in my life. Funny story: I went to the hospital to be there for a friend late Saturday night/early Sunday morning. CK lives 700 miles away, yet he didn't sleep well until he knew I was home and safe-about 3 AM. It feels good to be worried about.

Where do I fit in?

So...I have many, many pictures to post from Thanksgiving, but my laptop died. Luckily, I have this dinosaur computer as a back-up, but it is soooooooooooooooooooooooo slow that it isn't much fun to be on the Internet at all. :( Hopefully it will be fixed soon.

I have had a few difficult days in a row. :( (For different reasons)

Today was better. I paid to have J watched so I could go do some much-needed Christmas shopping.

But, now, I am wondering just where do I fit in. It will be my first Christmas without my kids. I am heartbroken over that. It just isn't right. My in-laws will all be together, except me. I love them. They love me. This isn't fair. My kids want to be with me, but they don't get to choose where they go on Christmas. That isn't fair either. Thank goodness they will be with their cousins.

I am so lucky to get to be with CK and his family on Christmas, but I don't really fit in there either. I am excited to get to know them, but, so far, we are not engaged or married, so I don't quite fit in there yet either.

This isn't how it is supposed to be. It hurts. A lot.

Luckily, as I have struggled over the last few days, I have been reassured that I really do not need to do this all alone. Soon, I will have a partner and helpmate. I need him. He balances me. He takes care of me. He is there for me. Truly, I should not be complaining.

Thankful

I went grocery shopping early (6 am!) yesterday morning for the holiday week. I am glad that K went with me-we ended up needing two carts. When I got home and we unloaded all the groceries, this is what I saw:

I looked around and felt immense gratitude that I am able to afford to buy food for my children, that we never have a night where we go hungry. I hope to be able to always have the desire and ability to share with those that struggle, at this time of year and always.

K and E

E has been K's best friend since Kindergarten. E has moved a few times (including living in Mexico for a year and a half!). K has had (and still has) many great and wonderful best friends, but there is still something extra, extra special about E. With our schedule with K going to her dad's and E living half an hour away, we don't get to get them together that often. When we do, though, it is like they'd never been apart. That is the extra special friendship that they share.

I am so grateful to A (E's mom) for putting forth the effort to get them together. We had planned to meet up at the museum with all the kids, but my back was really sore and I knew that wasn't a good idea for me. So A took K with her kids and took them ice skating. They had a blast and I know the memories will last forever.

Piano Recital

Today was K's and C's first ever piano recital. They have been taking lessons since August. They are both naturals at the piano and it is fun to see them progress. They performed amazingly well. It was definitely a proud mama moment. I love their piano teacher. One thing that is really neat is that we got to perform the recital at a nursing home. I loved how my children are learning to share their talents. What a great lesson.

K played Horse and Sleigh and Greensleeves. She performed them beautifully!

C played Russian Sailor Dance, Clock Shop, and Legend of the Buffalo. He was amazing as well.

I have an amazing sister and brother-in-law. I didn't even think about inviting them to the recital (DUH!). I casually mentioned it last night and down they came....4 kids in tow. All the kids were super quiet and sat through the whole recital without a peep. I cannot express just how grateful I am for their support of me and of my kids. I am so grateful that they live so close and that they are so unselfish and always willing to share their time and energy.

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We went out to brunch after the recital (which they snuck off and paid for!!!! yikes and thank-you!). It was yummy, but crazy -in a fun way- with 3 adults and 7 kids. Then we came back to my house for Rock Band and hanging out. It was so fun. The kids found some masks that we had used in preschool. They proceeded to play RockBand with them on. It was cute and fun and a perfect way to start our Thanksgiving break!

Heartache

I am missing someone. I do miss my 33-year-old man I am going to marry, but it isn't him. It is A. She is 6 1/2 and a ball of energy. I miss her. I love her. I wish there was a way to see her every weekend. My heart is breaking a little tonight. :(

St. Louis

This weekend, I got to fly to St. Louis and spend time with CK and his daughter, A. It was a wonderful time. I was only there about 40 hours total-so not even two days. But, it was so great to connect with A and to spend much needed time with CK.

First thing Saturday, we went swimming. It was fun. A obviously loves it.
After getting cleaned up and ready to go, we went out to a yummy lunch and then visited the Gateway Arch. Very cool.

Here are A and I at the top. It was a crazy little car you had to ride to get up there. It was very cool, though.

Some of the things we could see from the top:

This is the tiny little hallway to get to and from the top. It was very crowded and cramped. A lot of people in a small space.

We then drove to the outside of the St. Louis temple. The gates were closed because the temple was closed for cleaning, but we drove around the outside. One thing CK and I plan to do together is attend a session in all the temples in the United States. Because there is more every year, this will be quite the challenge, but I think we will get to all of them!

Crazy girl!

Time for the weekend to come to an end. We had Family Home Evening, lunch, and then went to church and straight to the airport. I miss you, CK and A!!!

The Changing of the Tide

So....I am headed to visit CK tonight. I am excited.

It has been an odd week for me. I have struggled with my children. I have followed a prompting and it is taking some time. I have had an on-going headache. I have felt a little disconnected from my life. Today is better.

But, I just had an experience I have to document-at least for myself. I was reading a few paragraphs in a book I own. It talked about a temple sealing from the view of the sealer. My eyes watered. And then I realized what had happened. My eyes FIRST watered as I anticipate the joy of being sealed to CK. THEN, my eyes watered as I thought with sorrow on the temple sealing that I had with XDH. It was supposed to be for Eternity. It is not. But, I have another chance with a man that loves me even more.

Not so long ago, the sorrow would've come first before the future joy. The tide has changed. I am so glad.

As part of my prompting, I have been needing to revisit how I felt at the beginning of all that happened with XDH and me. I am so grateful for the loving hands of a Father in Heaven who has protected me and taken care of me through every day, every heartache, and every difficulty. I am sooooooooooooo blessed.

The Day that Wasn't Supposed to Be

Today is a day that wasn't supposed to be. I have been scheduled to sub today for about a month. I had a place for J and we were all set. I was even looking forward to it: 5th grade, which is my favorite. But, yesterday afternoon, the school called. The teacher I was subbing for had his conference canceled so he would be at school and not needing a sub. All of a sudden I had a day...8 hours I hadn't counted on having this week.

So, what do you do with a day that wasn't supposed to be?

• Clean the kitchen extra well.
• Clean out / organize your daughter's closet (I only spent an hour here....it will need more)
• Take your 4-year-old to the new library storytime (old one is better).
• Talk to a great friend that moved away a couple of years ago...talked to her for over an hour.
• Eat lunch and laugh with said 4-year-old
• Mow, edge, blow out, and prepare for fertilizing your front lawn.
• Get ready to go to the temple tomorrow.
• Wash sheets and re-make beds.
• Go mentor a 3rd grader at the elementary school.
• Enjoy!

I am such a list person. I always have much that needs to be done and even more that I want to do. It is nice to have this unexpected day. :) And, tonight will be super duper busy, but tomorrow I get to go to the temple (hurray!) and then we have a calm week. That hasn't happened since school started. -sigh- So nice. And then, Friday I head to see CK. I can't wait. 3 days!

Week in Review

** Pictures to follow...ha ha...we will see if I really get around to that. But, it is my plan! **

Okay...I am obviously not blogging as much as I want to. Life just has so much wonder to fill it with-24 hours just isn't enough. But, it is what I've got and so....I want to blog about this last week of life.

First, I got the best email/letter/card/note that I have ever received yesterday from CK. He is so perfect for me. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father that knew that and brought us in to each other's lives in a way that would work. Without some of the bumps along this path, we would've gone down separate roads and missed the joy we now find together. It is amazing how much clearer things are when looking back. I see Heavenly Father's hand in everything that happened, even the moments of heartache.

Second, I have now listened/watched/read all of October's conference talks at least once. I feel so blessed as the Spirit of this conference is present in every aspect of my life. I feel so incredibly lucky.

Now, for the events of the last week or two:

Happiness is Right Around the Corner

It seems I am not very good at using my allotted 24 hours in the day....I am so busy and always have a lot that I want to do that doesn't make the cut and doesn't get done. Blogging has been one of those things. As my life changes for the better, I have been failing to document it. :(

But, this weekend was perfect. CK was here and I couldn't have dreamed up a better weekend....from the first hug to the last tear goodbye, it was perfect. As I sit here and ponder about the weekend, I remember back to two years ago. Life was tough. I asked my home teacher for a blessing. I distinctly remember in that blessing the words, "Happiness is right around the corner." It took me longer to get to that corner than I would have liked, but now that I have turned it, I am so happy and I know the promises then have been fulfilled in a way that I could never have imagined. So, this weekend....Friday night CK's flight got in about 8. I took the wrong exit and was late getting to the airport and then there was traffic. It was so frustrating to be able to see the man I love and him me, but not be able to be together as we waited for the traffic to move so that I could pick him up. That night we played games, ate a little supper, watched a movie, and cuddled. It was perfect.

Saturday, CK made me breakfast...yummy! Then we worked on cleaning/organizing the garage. It was so fun and I loved getting something done that has needed to be done for a long time. We even went and bought wood to create some shelves in my garage. Again, perfect! Lowe's and CK.....What could be better!?! After cleaning up, we went out to lunch-such a great date! Then, we came home and prepared for the kids to come back. We went to trunk-or-treat and then had a late dinner of crepes. Sunday, we went to church. That afternoon we went to my sister's for dinner. It was so fun. I am glad that they have a chance to get to know CK and CK them. After the kids went to bed, we read scriptures and prayed, just like every night and then.....looked at rings online. :) I am in awe at how blessed I am to have the opportunity to marry this wonderful man. The time is not yet, so it seems like forever, but it will be here quickly. (The picture below is of CK getting the steaks ready for dinner-hence the gloves.)
Monday, we got the kids ready and out the door to school, got ourselves ready, played Rockband, ate lunch, and drove to the airport. :( :( So hard to see him go. When he left there were only 11 days until we will be together again, but 11 days seems like torture. I never knew how people could do long-distance relationships, but now I know....the only options are to stop dating or to just deal with it. I choose CK and dealing.

It is difficult to describe how perfect he is for me, although I want to. Here are just a couple of things:

• He laughs at me. :) Never in a rude way, always out of love. I am learning through this to not only laugh at myself, but that it is okay to not be perfect. This is one thing I love about him so much. It is like my mistakes are cute to him, not end-of-the-world and I so appreciate that.
• He respects me. Most would laugh at our "line" and how conservative it is, but I know he would never try to push it into somewhere we both don't want to be until we are married. I am so grateful for this.
• He works hard. He desires to help me with whatever task lies in front of me, from dishes to the garage to Christmas shopping. He genuinely desires to make my life easier. I know we are still courting, but I definitely believe that this won't change much as we transition into being married. It is difficult for me to let go and allow someone to help me as I have been working alone for so long.
• He loves the Lord. He is always the first to suggest we read scriptures and pray. He is quick to want to attend the meetings that we should be at. He loves the words of the prophets and we have both enjoyed reading Conference talks from 1971 (the first ones available on the website) together.
• He is patient with me. I have some trust issues left over from the pain of the last couple of years. That trust cannot be developed in a single day, but he waits patiently, displaying at every turn that he will not leave and that he will always be here for me.

I am so lucky. I am so blessed. I feel that the Lord has indeed taken care of me and led me to true happiness for me and my children. This is the first day of the rest of my life and I am so grateful. :)

One Hour

So...I have been MIA lately. Life has been busier than it has ever been. I know it will only get busier as the kids get older, but for now, it has been difficult to handle the multiple activities.

But tonight I just had to post that I am walking out the door...headed to pick up CK from the airport. :) Only one hour. I am so excited. I am so grateful to have such an amazing man love me, want me, and take care of me. I am lucky indeed.

Oh and it is XDH's birthday today: Happy Birthday! Hope you love your presents! :)

Pumpkin Patch 2010

Yesterday, we went to the Pumpkin Patch with some dear friends. The first time I went was in 2002. It has become such a tradition. C was only one and K only three. Oh, how they have grown! And, so has this local pumpkin patch. It was almost too crowded and too over-the-top for me. This year was great, but I don't know if I will return. It was actually perfect weather. A little warm, but I have been many times where it is swelteringly hot and a few where we were absolutely freezing. The sunburn I got this time is nothing. We went with many dear friends and had a wonderful time.

Here is J with C and A:
J with C again...they are such great friends! -

J was having fun bouncing in a bounce house...when I pointed out the CAT machines building a road right by the pumpkin patch. He was in heaven. His smile was huge and watching them work on the road right in front of his eyes was a dream come true for this little guy. I had to hurry to get a picture with the CAT machine AND J's face. J did not want to take his eyes off of them.

J got to feed a horse. He couldn't hold his hand quite right and the horse bit him a little. It didn't even leave a mark on his skin, but he did have me feed the horse the apple after that!

A couple other random pictures thrown in....I got to go the temple last night. Loved it! I have missed it. And, I saw two dear friends there. What a blessing to be there together as sisters!

And, this week has been a struggle. The older two kids were hurt somewhat by XDH. In an effort to help K, he took her on a daddy-daughter date tonight. It was awesome. He took her to a salon just for girls where they did her hair, nails, and toenails. She looks beautiful and she had a great time. Good choice, XDH!

Infinite Hope in Jesus Christ (and it is 10-10-10!)

First, before I begin....it is 10.10.10!!!! ABSOLUTELY AWESOME!!!!!

Now, this weekend I had the amazing experience of attending Time Out for Women. This is my 4th or 5th time and, as always, it was incredible.

I came away with a greater appreciation for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He is everything. He is the true source of Hope. I know He lives.
How lucky am I??

Here are a few pictures from Time Out with the people that I love so dearly. I forgot my camera was still on no-flash from K's choir concert...so this isn't the best, but it is with amazing women that I love: Me, Sis. W., A, and A.

More special women: A, me, and M.
My good friend, J, with me:

As I sat there and listened to the presenters and reflecting back on the last 2 1/2 years of trial in my life, there were three women, I call them "My Angels" that have been with me from Day 1. I wept as I noticed that I was surrounded by them Friday night. All three were with me at the last Time Out, which was exactly a month before everything began with XDH. I think Heavenly Father knew that we would need to strengthen our bonds then in preparation for what was coming. I had to take a picture of me with my angels, J, A, me, and S:

Some of the presenters from Saturday. I wish I'd taken more of these pictures. A was good at it...but I forgot mostly. Here they are. They were each amazing in their own ways:

Many, many of my dear friends and sisters came from our ward (or were from what used to be our ward before it split). Here are just a few that we could gather. I love them ALL!

My sister brought her friend, W. She is amazing. I am so glad I got to know her. I am so glad we came together. We had a great time. Here are S and W.

Me with my Sister. We are so lucky to live close. She is absolutely wonderful. :)

A and I. We have been best friends now for years. Last Christmas, we got each other the exact same picture frame (completely unplanned) and we needed a picture of the two of us to go in it. We found it! First take, too. Isn't she gorgeous???

I loved Time Out. Loved it. I don't think I have stopped glowing yet. The Spirit was strong. The company incredible. The desire to be better tangible. The only thing that would've made it better is coming home to CK. One day.