Saturday, October 29, 2011 we go again: Life is HARD!!!

The last week has been really rough on me physically and emotionally.  I have struggled to feel God's love.  I have struggled to find joy in life.  And, I have even struggled to sleep.

This is one such morning.  One where the grief seems to overwhelm me and I know that if I could just sleep, life would be better.  But, after going to sleep at 1:30 am (we went to a football game and got home late) and waking up at 4:00 am (CK is going to see A this weekend), I have tried and tried and tried and cannot sleep.

I miss A.  I miss CK.  I miss our baby.  Two weeks ago, we were camping - enjoying the beauties of nature and being together and I thought my life was absolutely perfect.  Last week, I was struggling to recover from my surgery to remove my baby that had died.  And, today, I am alone.  Really alone.  All day long, just me and my thoughts. No kids.  No husband.  Just me.  And, I will make it.  I always do.

CK, in his great wisdom, thought I should come with him at the last minute.  I should have.  We had planned on just him going this time since, due to A's schedule, we couldn't go the weekend we usually see her and this weekend was busy with K, C, and J.  But, after the tragedy of the baby, I should have gone.  It didn't seem possible:  K, C, and J needing me, not having a place for them to stay, my brother and his wife being here ONLY this weekend from out of town, Trunk or Treat and other events that would be very sad to my kids to miss, not to mention paying to fly at the last minute.  It just didn't seem possible.  I was wrong.  Less than two weeks since we found out about the baby and I am trying to spend a day alone?  Not smart.

I was okay when CK left this morning.  I am so excited for A and him to spend this time together.  As much as I miss her and wish we were closer, he misses her more, for sure!  I am glad that they get a long weekend together this time.  I can't wait to see the pictures and hear about all they did together.

After trying to fall asleep for more than two hours, though, I am feeling worse than I have felt in a long time.  I have struggled all week with wondering how, after the heartache of divorce, I have been asked to go through another heartache of the baby.  I have struggled as I have known many that have miscarried at some point, some who have divorced, yet few, very few, that have to do both.  I do.  And, I feel unequal to the task.

Yet, I am so blessed.  I cannot believe how wonderful CK is to me and how incredible our marriage is.  I had no idea that such a marriage was even possible outside of fairy tales.  Then, include the four kids that I am a mother to-I have no reason to allow this sorrow to overwhelm me.  I am so blessed.


nikko said...

This too shall pass. Give yourself time. Time to grieve, time to heal, time to return to your normal... Now that it's been a couple of years since i have been pregnant or nursing I think I realize what impact our hormones really have on us when we are pg! It's okay to feel emotional and feel grief. Please take some time from your busy weekend to just relax and unwind and have some time for yourself! I worry about you!

Caroline said...

I did the same thing - I tried to go to a baby shower for another friend a couple weeks after miscarrying. Biggest mistake I could have made. But Heavenly Father blessed me that weekend with a friend that helped me more than she could ever know. It takes time, but I know that Heavenly Father is aware of you and your pains. He knows what you need, and while it feels like it may take an eternity you will receive the help you need. I'm praying for you.

the MILKY way (Chrissy) said...

Sorrow has a way of taking over sometimes. Yes, you are blessed, but you've also been through so much. You can grieve, give yourself that time, but also know that you're never alone. But you already know that :) You are awesome, you inspire many, and I often wish I was more like you.