Thursday, October 20, 2011

Sorrow, Grief, Anger, Disappointment, Frustration, Confusion, and inability to sleep

I went in for a routine checkup of my baby yesterday (yep.  pregnant 13.5 weeks).  The whole visit went well.  Everything was on track and looked great until we did an ultrasound.  The baby looks great, but there is no heartbeat.  He/she has died.  I am surprised at just how difficult this is.  This baby was part of the immense joy and happiness that have been mine these last few months, after so many months of sorrow and heartache.  The disappointment is very real.  All our thoughts, dreams, and plans were focused on preparing for this baby. 

We feel a little direction-less right now.  Last night, after a very long and emotional day, the bitterness and sorrow was overwhelming.  Luckily I was finally able to sleep....a couple of hours.  I feel much better now, but I have been awake for two hours and unable to sleep.  That, in and of itself, is very frustrating!  This, too, shall pass.  We, as a family, will heal.  The kids are sad and disappointed, too, but we will all heal.

I go in to the doctor again today, surgery Friday morning, and back to the doctor next week for a Rhogam shot since I am RH-.  Then, the healing will begin and I will be able to move on.  For now, though, the heartache is still very real.


Missy @ It's A Ray Thing said...

So sorry for your loss. Cyber hug to you. Why so long on the rhogam injection? Usually done within 72 hours. (Just want to make sure it's not a scheduling error) I 'll remember you in my prayers.

Lana said...

so sorry friend, I know how horrible that is.

Caroline said...

I am so, so sorry. I know first hand how hard and difficult losing a baby is. I know God's hands will be there to guide you as they did me, and as they did through your whole journey over the last couple of years.You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I mourn with you in this moment.