Monday, October 31, 2011

Pinewood Derby 2011

 This was C's third pinewood derby.  He has had so much fun!  We have a very good friend that has helped C last year and they wanted to work together again.  They were very excited about this year.  They made a transformer car this year-electing for "cool" rather than "fast."  He actually blogged about the progress:
 We only had six cars racing this year, which is a huge decrease compared to the last few years.  We had a few boys move away and a lot of boys advance and we haven't had any new ones move up.
 This is the only race that C won.  Check out the working headlights!

Here are the boys and their cars.  Very cool.  CK is also the cubmaster.  He did a great job.  Watching him up there, I was just soooooooooooooooooooooooo in love.  I am grateful that I have such an amazing husband.  What a wonderful man I married!!!  I am so blessed.

Saturday, October 29, 2011 we go again: Life is HARD!!!

The last week has been really rough on me physically and emotionally.  I have struggled to feel God's love.  I have struggled to find joy in life.  And, I have even struggled to sleep.

This is one such morning.  One where the grief seems to overwhelm me and I know that if I could just sleep, life would be better.  But, after going to sleep at 1:30 am (we went to a football game and got home late) and waking up at 4:00 am (CK is going to see A this weekend), I have tried and tried and tried and cannot sleep.

I miss A.  I miss CK.  I miss our baby.  Two weeks ago, we were camping - enjoying the beauties of nature and being together and I thought my life was absolutely perfect.  Last week, I was struggling to recover from my surgery to remove my baby that had died.  And, today, I am alone.  Really alone.  All day long, just me and my thoughts. No kids.  No husband.  Just me.  And, I will make it.  I always do.

CK, in his great wisdom, thought I should come with him at the last minute.  I should have.  We had planned on just him going this time since, due to A's schedule, we couldn't go the weekend we usually see her and this weekend was busy with K, C, and J.  But, after the tragedy of the baby, I should have gone.  It didn't seem possible:  K, C, and J needing me, not having a place for them to stay, my brother and his wife being here ONLY this weekend from out of town, Trunk or Treat and other events that would be very sad to my kids to miss, not to mention paying to fly at the last minute.  It just didn't seem possible.  I was wrong.  Less than two weeks since we found out about the baby and I am trying to spend a day alone?  Not smart.

I was okay when CK left this morning.  I am so excited for A and him to spend this time together.  As much as I miss her and wish we were closer, he misses her more, for sure!  I am glad that they get a long weekend together this time.  I can't wait to see the pictures and hear about all they did together.

After trying to fall asleep for more than two hours, though, I am feeling worse than I have felt in a long time.  I have struggled all week with wondering how, after the heartache of divorce, I have been asked to go through another heartache of the baby.  I have struggled as I have known many that have miscarried at some point, some who have divorced, yet few, very few, that have to do both.  I do.  And, I feel unequal to the task.

Yet, I am so blessed.  I cannot believe how wonderful CK is to me and how incredible our marriage is.  I had no idea that such a marriage was even possible outside of fairy tales.  Then, include the four kids that I am a mother to-I have no reason to allow this sorrow to overwhelm me.  I am so blessed.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

So much love in a time of so much sorrow

 This has been a really rough few days for CK and I, especially me.  Of course it has been, we lost our dear baby that we were so excited to have.  Physically, I am still dizzy and my pupils have been constantly dilated since the surgery and so I cannot read.  That is frustrating.  I cramped more yesterday than I did the 24 hours after the surgery and I am not going to be working with the Primary Program today that I have been in charge of for months.  Another small loss.

Yet, I am so grateful to have CK.  He is the most amazing husband ever.  I have felt the prayers of those that love us and know we are hurting and are even hurting with us.  Many have chosen to show their support with flowers.  Our kids say we now have a garden on our dining table.  How blessed we are.
 These came from my friend BP and family.
 And these from my friend, KF.
 Another dear friend (DR) dropped by and brought this beautiful fall arrangement.
These were brought by yet another dear friend, JW.
 These were delivered to our door from all of CK's family.  We sure wish we lived closer to them.  They are amazing and these flowers meant so much.
These beauties were dropped off by my another dear friend, MV.

I truly feel so loved.  Thank-you for all your thoughts and prayers, whether you live close by or across the country.  I am so grateful that I don't have to go through this (or any other) heartache alone.  You are all little angels to help me along this journey we call life.  Hopefully, I can do the same for you.  I am so blessed.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Sorrow, Grief, Anger, Disappointment, Frustration, Confusion, and inability to sleep

I went in for a routine checkup of my baby yesterday (yep.  pregnant 13.5 weeks).  The whole visit went well.  Everything was on track and looked great until we did an ultrasound.  The baby looks great, but there is no heartbeat.  He/she has died.  I am surprised at just how difficult this is.  This baby was part of the immense joy and happiness that have been mine these last few months, after so many months of sorrow and heartache.  The disappointment is very real.  All our thoughts, dreams, and plans were focused on preparing for this baby. 

We feel a little direction-less right now.  Last night, after a very long and emotional day, the bitterness and sorrow was overwhelming.  Luckily I was finally able to sleep....a couple of hours.  I feel much better now, but I have been awake for two hours and unable to sleep.  That, in and of itself, is very frustrating!  This, too, shall pass.  We, as a family, will heal.  The kids are sad and disappointed, too, but we will all heal.

I go in to the doctor again today, surgery Friday morning, and back to the doctor next week for a Rhogam shot since I am RH-.  Then, the healing will begin and I will be able to move on.  For now, though, the heartache is still very real.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Camping 10/14/11

We had the opportunity to go camping this last weekend.  It doesn't happen very often that it is not too hot, not too cold, and we have the kids on a Friday.  It is very rare, in fact.  This last weekend, however, everything lined up perfectly.  I spent many hours preparing, CK took off from work early and helped and I took the kids out of school a little early and we were off!!!  The above picture of C fishing at sunset is my favorite picture.
Sunset on the beautiful!  We really had the best campsite ever!  :)
This is K and J out wading in the lake.  It was warm and beautiful.  After much begging, I even got in with them for a bit.  :)

I used two different cameras this trip so the pictures are a little out of order.  This is K carrying the ladder ball stuff back to the car from the campsite (it was hike in).
But this one, however, is on our way to finding which campsite is ours.

Of course a couple of setting up the tent.  In my adult life, I have never gone camping and not been the one to set up the tent, not once. boys took care of it for me this time.
All of this is part of our campsite.  You can see the covered picnic table in the distance and I am standing out a little bit in front of the tent.  It was huge!

This was also part of our campsite.....a private access to the lake.  Very cool.

This state park also had loner fishing poles and tackle and no permit was needed to fish within the park.  Very cool.  I have never been, but CK loves it!  He didn't know if there would be fishing so he didn't bring his equipment.  CK caught many fish and both C and K each caught a fish or two.  They really enjoyed it!

My sister and I successfully planned a surprise for the kids.  They could not camp with us, but came up and we played around and did dinner together.  None of our kids, hers or mine, knew anything about it.  The above picture is of her kids running to meet mine when they arrived and found out what they were doing.

The moon on the lake was so pretty.  I had also purchased light sticks for all the kids and they loved twirling them and throwing them.  This picture (below) turned out pretty cool.  :)
Finally, there were a million spiders everywhere with huge webs like this one.  I think that all this heat for so many months has left the campground relatively empty and the spiders just took over.
We did have another guest that I don't have a picture of:  at least one skunk LOVED to be in our campsite.  He wasn't really scared of humans, but we were scared of him.  No one wanted to cut our trip short with that horrid smell!!!

It was a great weekend.  I couldn't have asked for a better one.  I am soooooooooo blessed.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Still Catching Up....Heading Home After the Wedding

The honeymoon was over, it was time to head home.  We picked up A first and spent the night with CK's sister, M.  We had a great time and I am so impressed with her family.

The next morning, we headed down from Idaho to Utah, where we picked up K, C, and J and then took A to meet her mom.  Here they all are, playing with their cousins one last time.

Then we began the drive to Colorado. It was beautiful.  Even thought I drive to Utah from Colorado every summer, I usually take a different route since it is closer to family.  It has been about 8 years since I drove this way.  WOW!  The beauty is amazing.  It just goes to show how much God loves us.

We stopped at a rest area right off the river.  It was so beautiful.

I love this action shot of J throwing the rock in the river.

Finally....I looked behind me and what did I see?  All three of the children doing something electronic to occupy their time.  Hmmm....trips for me as a kid?  Books.  Coloring Books.  Sightseeing.  That was it.  I have to admit, though, that as tired as they were by this point, I was grateful for the distractions.
The next day, we went with my parents and brother to Boulder, Colorado.  I grew up near here, but my kids have grown up without mountains and they were just in awe.

We stopped at NCAR, where they have a research center, but they also have interactive science exhibits.  It was fun.

There are also many trails right from NCAR through the mountains near Boulder.   We had a few minutes, so we hiked a little.  It was a hot day, so we didn't stay out long.

That same weekend, the kids played outside in my parents' backyard.  I didn't take a picture of it, but it is a LARGE yard, full of grass and trees.  The kids love to climb the trees and also find some dirt to play with the trucks in.  :)
CK and I had the opportunity to visit with A, my best friend, and her husband, CH.  I love them both.  We went bowling and out for pie.  It was a great evening and we laughed and laughed.  The boys ended up bowling extremely well-I think it was the competition factor kicking in.  :)

We also went to visit my dear friends, J and N.  They moved from here to a home that is minutes away from my parents'.  Awesome.  At least we get to visit.   Here...I am not sure what C is doing, but he looks like he is having fun!
Here are the four kiddos:  K, C, Q, and J.
Q loved C and he loved her.  I have a half dozen pictures of the two of them just smiling at each other.  Maybe she is the reason that C wants a baby sister.
Finally, we got home.  And....look what we found as we came in????  One of my dearest friends, J, had contacted our pet sitter and left us a welcome home present.  It seriously MADE MY DAY!  It was one of the nicest surprises EVER!  What a great welcome.
And...Finally...I am getting caught up.....there is still more to come, but at least I am up to August 8, 2011!!!!  Just two months behind.  LOL.