Friday, June 24, 2011

No Pain

Lately I have been pondering on something that is a little bit strange to me.

I now have no pain. Sure, there are moments of sorrow for what should have been, but there is no pain. That doesn't surprise me.

What does surprise me is my inability to remember the pain. I remember sobbing out prayers to my Heavenly Father when the heartache I felt was overwhelming. In my memory, I can see myself kneeling at my couch as tears flowed and flowed. I can see myself crying in my Bishop's office when I felt that I didn't have strength to go on. I can see myself sobbing as I spoke to friends in person or on the phone. I can see my sister coming to spend a Saturday with me when I could not stop crying the whole day and I needed help. I see myself clasping our family picture to my chest and crying great tears of bewilderment and sorrow. I remember them all.

The strange thing to me is that I cannot remember the pain. I feel that this has been a blessing that I did not anticipate. The memory of that heartache has been taken from me. I know I felt pain. I know that it was difficult to function and even to desire to live, but the actual memory of the depth of the pain is gone. What a strange, yet beautiful blessing. How grateful I am for the support of a loving Heavenly Father, my Savior, Jesus Christ, and their angels that attended me daily, even hourly, as I struggled to make it through this unexpected trial and tragedy.

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