Hardest Day and Unexpected Angel

Today was the most difficult so far in this saga. The pain is almost unbearable. I just wish I could fast forward a year. I KNOW without any doubt or hesitation that I will be okay. That is not even a question in my mind. Yet, the pain is so great right now that I wish I could fast forward to when my heart will be healing, probably not healed, but healing. Life will be taking on a different routine, but it will be becoming "normal." I know that it probably won't be a bed of roses by any means. I know I will still ache, but I also know that fast forward a year and I will be more okay than I am tonight.

Yet, in Heavenly Father's loving way, I was still taken care of this evening. An unexpected angel dropped by my house. She is a friend, but we have never really had the opportunity to become close (but would be, I am sure, if we had had that chance): our kids are different ages, we have never worked together with callings, etc.. So, she was not whom I expected to see when my doorbell rang. Yet, there she was...carrying a pan of fresh hot cinnamon rolls...and bringing with her a smile, a hug, and great conversation. She had no way of knowing that minutes before I was on my bed in tears....ready to drown in the sorrow. I feel 97% better and it is all thanks to her. See how darn lucky I am? I am so blessed.

Going, Going, Gone.

It is over. The End. How can I possibly have more tears to cry?

Blessed

So, today some friends from the ward called and asked if they could stop by with a "care package." I thought that they had probably just heard the news about our family situation and wanted to drop by with a plate of brownies and a hug. Well.....I got the hug, but I also got probably 3-4 weeks' worth of groceries and toiletries, totaling I am sure $200-$300 or more.

As I watched Brother S. come in with armload after armload of groceries, my first thought was "I am okay right now. I have enough food and money (for now). Why are they coming today?" Then...in a grand "Aha" moment...I realized that Heavenly Father knows how much I am worried about the future. He knows that the financial future looks bleak at best. AND...He wanted me to know that I don't need to worry...He is aware of our every need and we WILL be taken care of. I already knew this to be true, but Heavenly Father decided to emphasize it with a visual.

On a side note, I feel so amazed at Brother and Sister S. They have been so diligent in storing food that they just raided their pantry and freezer to bring me food. They also didn't know what they could do to help...so they did what they could and with great action brought us food to sustain us. Wow. Talk about serving as the Savior did. I am impressed beyond measure.

Side Note #2: The June Ensign came today. I haven't read it yet...but I probably will tonight in one sitting. But, I did thumb through it. Almost every article directly relates to me and my family right now. It was as if the magazine had been written JUST for me. Talk about tender mercies. I am so blessed.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Today, our Relief Society was in charge of feeding 70 ish missionaries for Zone Conference. It turned out well. It was so neat to see such a huge group of missionaries assembled together all at once. They sang some beautiful hymns that brought tears to my eyes. Their strength and power were magnificent. One thing that was so cool to me is that as we worked...four sisters ( plus one teenage son that came to help).....we didn't specify who would do what...we just did. We all picked up what needed to be done and did. That was cool.

But...back to the "out of the mouths of babes," I was driving LD to drop him off so I could serve at this Zone Conference. I had a Christian CD in. LD heard the word "Jesus" on the CD and got all excited. I asked him "Do you love Jesus?" LD replied, "Yes! I want to give him a hug." And continued, "And after Jesus, I want to give President Monson a hug." It was so cute and so true. I would like to give both hugs...probably in that order, too.

Can't Do It

Someone...anyone...tell me I can. It just seems like I can't do it anymore. Don't get me wrong...I know that happiness and peace will come....I just don't know how I will get from here to there. I guess one foot in front of the other. One day at a time.

But for now...I don't feel like I can do anymore of

• Lots of tears at night because LD is not at his dad's house
• Worrying about how in the world will I have enough money to put food in my kids' mouths. It just absolutely seems impossible. I have been fretting about budgets all day. In no way does it seem like there will be enough to go around
• Kids fighting and anger because they hate this situation as much or more than I do.
• Being the not-fun parent. He takes them out to eat. They don't have to do chores at his house. I don't take them to fun places every time I see them.
• Worrying about the clinic I so diligently and carefully built together with DH. Not being apart of it is like tearing one of my children away.
• Worrying about how to be a good mom when I have so many other worries.
• Missing like crazy my best friend, confidant, business partner, lover, and soul mate.
  

It will pass. I know I will be okay. I am not just convincing myself, either.... I really know it will be okay. It is just hard right now to see how. Good thing the Lord sees the end from the beginning. Good thing I have so much support....so many angels in so many forms. But, for tonight....please, just tell me I CAN do this!

To Mourn Instead Of Celebrate

Today is our 12-year anniversary. I wrote a more detailed post about our married life and how much I loved DH a couple of years ago (see it here). But, today, I have cause to mourn. I never thought this is where I would be and many times I have trouble accepting that this is reality...like it or not. So, this is how I "celebrated" the day that has been and should be the highlight of my year:...Waiting out front for DH to pick up the kids and take them to his house to sleep tonight. Something is just wrong with this picture. But the choice is not mine...and I still have to move forward with life. I guess this anniversary is a good time to "let go."

Life sucks... that is why you have friends.

Sorry about the self-indulgent title. And sorry if it offended anyone out there reading this post. Yet....my life is less than stellar right now. The last 48-hours have been the hardest of my life and I am certain there is more to come. That is all I have to say about that right now. I will say that I have been to the temple twice in one week. I can't remember the last time that happened...definitely before we had kids....definitely in Utah where temples are a lot closer. It was nice.

But, last night was such a fun and wonderful night. Due to my heavy personal issues I almost didn't make it. But....I was the one bringing our dear friend for a surprise good-bye party. It is hard to have someone you love so much leave, so we were definitely not celebrating her leaving, but rather celebrating the time we have all been blessed to walk the same part of the earth at the same time. She is so amazing to me. So amazing. What is really cool is that ALL 10 of her close friends that we decided to invite came. ALL TEN! I think that is such a testament to how awesome she is, since I am certain that many had to rearrange other plans to be there and yet ALL TEN came. She will be sorely missed.

Luckily we have phones, texting, blogging, and all sorts of technology that can help us keep in touch. Not the same as chatting in the pool or having a sympathetic eye while I cry, but...it will help. Glad you were really surprised, L (see her blog for some funny comments on how it all came together)! :)

Thanks to our great friend, Joy, and her amazing camera skills for the photos!

Come What May and Love It

Yesterday was tough. I guess there will continue to be cycles of up and down. How grateful I am, however, for the Lord and his tender mercies.

A few from yesterday/this morning include:

1. A beautiful new CD, including a song entitled Remember Gethsemane by Lauri Carrigan. So beautiful and so true that the Savior is there. Go to her website and listen to the first part of it. What a beautiful song of praise.


2. One of my on-earth "angels" dropped by, "crashing" my house last night, giving me adult conversation and peace while my kiddos ran around with their sleepover friends.


3. Another "angel" recommended this Mormon Messages Utube video that really touched me with Elder Worthlin's "Come What May and Love It."

See how lucky I am! I know that the Lord has not and will not leave me. I know my Savior lives, carries me, and sustains me daily. How lucky I am! :)