Bittersweet

It appears that once again the Lord is taking my life in a direction that I did not expect and I do not necessarily want. I have more faith than I realized, though, for I am letting Him lead me, even though it goes away from the desires of my heart. He knows me better than I can imagine and I trust Him that He has a plan for me. I just have to follow, even if it means yet another heartache. What a bittersweet weekend meeting my best friend will be. Hello and Goodbye all at once is what it appears to be.

Happy and Busy

I think this past week is definitely in the running for the busiest week of my life. I have so many pictures to share and I hope to "really post" soon. It has just been school stuff for the kids, church stuff for me (and for the kids), watching a newborn, and helping a best friend as she temporarily moves to California. Put it all together and I am not sleeping much, eating much, or cleaning much. But, the time is fast approaching when I will have more time to do all three.

But, I left the last post on a sad note and I have to make sure that all you worriers out there know: I am happy. I am okay. I wish life had turned out differently (with M), but I've done that song and dance before (with XDH) and come out okay on the other end. I have new worries and new hopes and dreams (with CK). I only have one May 29, 2010 and I am going to live it to the fullest. I already did my favorite thing: went to the temple. There is no better place on the planet for me. Every time I feel I am coming home and every time I feel rejuvenated and ready to face the world. Tomorrow will be the only May 30, 2010 that I will ever experience so I want to also live it to the fullest and look back on that date and have no regrets. I want to be who I am, love like I love, live like I live, and cherish each and every second while doing it!

My Heart Works! :)

A final broken heart. At least I know that my heart works. My heart wants to love. My heart wants to feel. After all that I have been through, it is not hardened and bitter. What a blessing to know that my heart is not broken....I found that out with a broken heart. Ironic, isn't it? Good-bye, Matthew. Hello to the rest of my life.

A Great Family Home Evening

Tonight, we had such a wonderful Family Home Evening. It actually turned out better than I'd hoped when I planned it.

We began with a song and prayer, of course. Next, I read some scriptures to the kids from the Doctrine and Covenants about being wise stewards. We have been incredibly busy the last couple of weeks and our house is not up to the standard of being wise stewards of our possessions. As I talked about it, I had a lot of grumpiness because they knew we were going to have to work and do services (chores). But, we did a scavenger hunt where we beat the clock not each other. It was a blast! We worked so hard. We all worked together. There was no fighting, arguing, or complaining. We just worked hard and we got the whole list (see above) done in 21 minutes, thus earning us a bowl of ice cream for a treat! It was a blast, the house is cleaner, and we are all making memories working together. What a great FHE! :)

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time there was an amazing man. He was lonely and needed a friend. Once upon a time there was an amazing woman. She was lonely and needed a friend, too. God brought them together and they became very best friends, but both ended up wishing for more. They spent hours talking together, crying together, consoling each other, rejoicing with each other, being there for each other. Then, a day came when it was time for the friendship to dwindle. Hearts were broken. After months together they had become such a part of each other's lives. But, it was time. It was time. I am the woman. My heart is breaking and once again, I find myself with overflowing tears. Yet, I know that this is how it should be. Doesn't make it any easier. One of my favorite movie quotes of all time is applicable here: "The pain now is part of the happiness then." How lucky I have been to know CK and be best friends with him the last few months. Oh, how I needed him. Oh, how I will miss him. But, oh, how I trust the Lord. His ways I will follow. The tears won't always be here, right?

Mother-Daughter Time!!!

I have started this post about three times....and I always have Internet problems while the pictures are loading. It worked this time, hurray!

K and I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together. I love my boys so much, but there is just something special about a mother-daughter bond. I am so grateful for the love we share and for the opportunities that we had-three in less than a week-to spend time together.

First was a mother-daughter picnic for the Activity Day girls. The leaders are absolutely fantastic. We had so much fun. Thanks to XDH for allowing K to go with me and be later in her time with him! Here we are together. I don't like this picture of me, but it is the only one of us together.
One of the games that the girls absolutely loved was when all of them laid underneath blankets with just their feet sticking out. The moms were supposed to figure out which feet belonged to them. It was much harder than we thought it would be, particularly with their feet down and we couldn't see the color of their nail polish! (I did find K, by the way)

And...this wasn't part of our mother-daughter alone time, but I still wanted to include it and she was in it. So, a mother's day picture of me and my kiddos. Love them!

Next, I took her out of school a little early one day for a mother-daughter "date." We registered her for College for Kids, then went to our yummy, yummy puposa place.

We also went to Sam Moon and bought some cool matching earrings before having to head home. It was a great time!

Finally, for time #3, I got to be a chaperone for a field trip to a choir competition. I got to ride the bus over an hour each way. It was hot and windy, but I love being with the kids on the bus. K is in a select choir at her school. She has gotten to perform in many places and they practice very hard after school each week. This was the culmination: the competition.

At the "practice tent:"

During the performance (they sounded GREAT!!!):

After the performance, they got to ride some rides at the little amusement park. We didn't have a lot of time, but they had fun on the ones they were able to do. I had fun with my little group of six girls that I was in charge of (yes! a preposition at the end of a sentence. sorry).

Here is S and K with the trophy after the competition (they won a first place...each choir is judged and given a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place for their technique and sound and...well I really don't know what all):

On the bus, going home:

I am so grateful to have K as my daughter. She is my oldest and my only girl, both of which give us a special bond. She really wants a sister and is hopeful that I will remarry someone with a girl or two (or three!) close to her age. For now, though, we are the females of the house and we love each other with a fierceness and closeness that is difficult to describe.

K, if you read this, I love you! I am so glad you are my daughter. You are so special. You have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ. You have a strong sense of right and wrong. You have a strong desire to make everyone feel included. You excel at school. You are talented in so many ways. I am very pleased with all you have done and continue to do. You are amazing and I love you! Love, Mami

13 years

13 years ago today I went to the temple for the first time. I went with DH, my parents, and my good friend, Wendy. Today, I reflect on what a blessing that has been in my life. I am so grateful that I live in a time when temples dot the earth, that I am worthy to enter, and that I have one close by. Happy Temple Anniversary to me! :)

What goes down must come up...

First, thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I know they all helped me recover from my "down" day yesterday.

In addition, all these things have helped me to recover and I am doing much better!

1. Talked to one of my best friends, Chad, for three hours last night. For some reason, we are not meant to be more than friends, but we are so lucky to have each other to lean on right now. He amazes me every day with his wisdom and support. I am very blessed.
2. The Primary Activity: It was amazing. Thanks to lots of very careful planning by Sister P, we couldn't have asked for a better activity. I felt the Spirit over and over again throughout the morning: in the Testimony of President Hinckley, as I had the opportunity to bear testimony of Jesus' resurrection, as the children talked about holding to the rod, and through music. Who could feel down with the special spirit that the Primary children bring? I am still adjusting to my new calling, but the love for the children is just so automatic. What a blessing from our Father in Heaven who loves and cares for His little ones more than we could ever imagine.
3. Going to the temple. It had been closed for two weeks and this was the first Saturday back open. I felt so much like I was going home. I know, even though I frequently have to be reminded, that my Savior lives and, not only does He live, He KNOWS every heartache I feel and is right there, ready to succor me. I could've lived in the temple today. He is always ready to give me peace and answers and to direct my life.
4. Listening to the Prophets testify of Jesus Christ video. I was driving, so I couldn't see it, but I listened all the way home from the temple. It is amazing what a great Spirit of truth comes with apostolic testimonies of Jesus Christ.

How blessed I am! How blessed I am to be able to have the tools at my disposal, just waiting for me to grab, to lift myself up (with help, of course!) when the despair comes and I am down. How truly blessed I am. I have no room to complain. None at all. :)

Am I supposed to be okay?

Am I supposed to be okay? Is that what is supposed to happen?

I am not.

After being abandoned by two men that I loved in the last couple of years (one I loved for years and years and the other, after much trepidation, I allowed myself to trust and fall in love with quickly), I feel so alone.

But...I guess I am supposed to be okay. I guess enough time has passed from both XDH and M that I am supposed to be okay. Friends used to call and check up on me, but, with the passage of time, I even feel estranged from them and completely alone.

Part of it might be expectations. I expected and hoped and dreamed that after the divorce was final that I would have "friends" to go and date Friday nights when I don't have kids. I definitely did not expect to fall in love, neither did I expect that I would remarry quickly and perhaps not at all. I didn't even expect to have a boyfriend. But, I did expect to date. Nope. No one wants me.

Many have told me that my standards are too high, that I will NEVER find what I am looking for with such a high bar. But, I can't lower them. I just can't. It wouldn't be true to me. So, I guess they are right. I will never find anyone.

What is it that I don't have? I feel like I have so much to offer. Maybe not. Maybe it is just me. It if frustrating to finally open your eyes and realize what others (like XDH and M) have already figured out: I just don't have what it takes.

I am okay...just so everyone knows. Really and truly, I am okay. I even feel better venting. :) Please don't post messages to try and "console" me or refute what I have said. This was not a "pity-party-please-cheer-me-up" post. I just needed to vent. -sigh- Much better! :) No worries, okay?

Traditions

I love traditions. I create them all the time for my little family: Popcorn Prophets, Pieces "Friend", Break-the-Fast Breakfast, etc..

Well, today I began a new one for myself. My temple is closed for its bi-annual maintenance closing. I miss it. I miss going. But, I decided that I and my temple clothes need a maintenance day as well. I scheduled it on my calendar (if I don't....it might not get done) and I have lovingly spent a few hours washing, ironing, mending, and folding my temple clothing so I will be ready next Saturday to go again. What a sacred afternoon. What a blessing. I will now have a bi-annual temple maintenance day of my own. :) Gotta love those traditions! :)

Busy, Busy Monday: Just like I like it! :)

I love Mondays. I always have. After the rejuvenation of the Sabbath, I just feel like I can accomplish anything. This weekend was especially wonderful as it was Stake Conference. Loved it! :)

Today was super busy. I think I will be ready for a bath and an early bedtime tonight. I got up early and showered and did dishes. I vacuumed. I watched my friend's newborn while she went to the dentist. I made three loaves of bread. Then, I headed out to Lowe's and Home Depot (my two favorite stores!) and bought stuff to build a trellis for the vine plants of my garden, as well as a new edger. We came home, had a late lunch, played Connect 4. Then, while LD slept, I read my scriptures, mowed the lawn, edged it and trimmed it (with the NEW edger!) and fertilized the yard. Next, I finally put the Christmas boxes in the attic. They are heavy and I was worried that I was going to end up falling with the boxes on top of me, but I made it in one piece! I then reorganized the garage a little and swept it.

See...super duper busy. Life doesn't get any better than this, does it? I love Mondays.