Random Thoughts on a Wednesday Morning

I have so much going through my head...it might just be jumbled, but I wanted to document it all somehow.

• I get the unique and sacred opportunity to go with my mom and sister to dress my grandma's body for burial. I am grateful for this opportunity, even though I am certain it will be emotional. My grandma was very special and very close to all her descendants, but there is an extra special bond she shares with the three of us. I know she will be there as we dress her body and I know it will be a moment all four of us (including her) will treasure. Ironically, it was her that I went to the temple with most often during my first year after being married.
• Speaking of temples, I hope to have time to do a session this afternoon. I am going through withdrawal for not having been for a week and a half. If I do end up with the time, it will be the Provo temple, the one I went to every Wednesday with my grandma after I got done teaching. And...it is Wednesday. Perfect.
• CK flies in tonight. I am so excited. I KNOW that Heavenly Father provided for us by bringing us together for a time. Both of us have needed each other during these months and we feel so loved and taken care of to have this time to be together. The end is fast approaching, though. It will be very difficult. I will miss him a TON! But, I know this has to happen. For now, I am so grateful he is coming to support me. It is a strange feeling to have someone care about me and sacrifice for me. I am so grateful.
• The divorce has been final for six months. Half a year. I am okay. I am happy. I still miss XDH, but I probably always will. I didn't choose to be sealed to him planning to be apart from him, so the missing of him will probably always be there somewhere in the recesses of my heart. I am happy, though. I have so much to live for. I have so much good in my life. I didn't know if I could make it through this, but, with a lot of help from Heavenly Father, Friends, and Family, I have.

There you have. Random thoughts by me.

Happy Birthday, K!!!!

K is 11! She is so excited. She is the best daughter ever! She flies in today. I can't wait to see her.

Family and Friends

First, I love, love, love, love, love my in-laws. I wish we never had to leave. The house next door is for sale and I would buy it in a heartbeat if I could. I am so grateful that the divorce did not cause us to be apart. They are my sisters and my parents. I love them more than I can describe and they are so important to me. I cannot and will not give them up when I remarry. It is a package deal. I am so glad we are here.

Second, I miss K. I love her so much and being apart from her is odd. I have never been apart from her for this long. EVER. I am so glad she had fun. I am so grateful to the S Family for taking her in and taking care of her and giving her the opportunity to be at C4K for another week. It is disappointing to K (and to me) that she has to miss the last week of C4K, but she is a trooper and taking it well.

Third, CK is coming in 4 days. I am excited. I am grateful he is coming to support me at my grandma's funeral. We will spend time with my family, my in-laws, and his family. It will be a busy weekend, but I am grateful for him and his desire to be here. I know many of you are wondering what is going on. It is difficult to explain. We know that there is a "no" answer for us to be married, but there is not a "no" answer for our relationship. So, even knowing the impending heartache, we are enjoying this season (See D&C 51) of being together. It is good for us to love again. It is good for us to have a healthy romantic relationship. It is good for us to spend this time loving each other and being best friends. It is also good for us to be obedient and be apart for a while or for forever. We know it is coming, faster than we might want, but the Lord's will be done. For now, though, CK is coming in 4 days and I am so excited! :)

24.5 in 34 for 1400

Update:

My grandma did not die Saturday night like the doctors assured would happen. So, the boys and I left early Monday morning (K stayed with some dear friends to do College for Kids) to try to make it to Idaho. We drove 14 hours and slept overnight in Denver with my parents. Tuesday, we drove another 10.5 and made it to Pocatello. A friend of CK's put us up for the night, including watching my boys so I could go to the hospital.

It was worth it....24.5 hours of driving in a 34-hour time period for a total of 1400 miles.

It was worth it. I got to spend nearly 2.5 hours with my grandma. She knew who I was. She was responsive and able to communicate a little. She hugged me. She told me (even though it was difficult) that she loved me. I got to give her extra hugs and love from my mom and my sister. I left planning to go back early the next morning. I think she somehow knew I was driving from Texas and waited for me. Just over an hour later, I got a call to get to the hospital as she was agitated and struggling with breathing. I got there in about 10 minutes. I stepped off the elevator and the nurses immediately informed me that she passed away about 30 seconds before, probably while I was on the elevator.

I am okay. She looked so peaceful as I went in to her after she had died. She has been ready to go for years and now she is free of her 94-year-old mortal body. I am grateful I got to say good-bye. I am so glad I drove all those hours and I truly feel like I wasn't alone. There were angels helping me stay awake and pushing me to drive further. It is an experience I will cherish.

I love you, Grandma.

Now, I have added over 300 more miles on the car, visited some of CK's family, toured the Idaho Falls Temple visitors' center, visited the falls with my boys, and also paid respects at the gravestones of my father's parents and sisters. Being there on Wednesday meant more to me after being with my grandma on Tuesday. Just another reminder that life is too short to worry, be depressed, or focus on the negative of life.

My Dear Grandma

I have an extra, extra, extra special relationship with my grandma. We just do. We have always been super close. Well, she is unexpectedly in a hospital and now not going to make it. I will probably post one just about her and the memories, but for now.....this is the last pictures I have of her. I loved her so much. She loved XDH and my divorce was so difficult on her. Now she has been praying every day for me to find someone. I ache that she will never meet my future husband. I ache right now that I am alone in my house with no support to turn to and no shoulder to cry on. There are times when this single-thing is harder than others.

I was planning a trip to Utah around her 95th birthday. She never even knew I was coming. I am so grateful that I got to see her in December, though. Grandma....I hope you visit Texas when you get your wings! Love ya. ~Ruth

Thank-you

New Favorite Song

I have struggled some over the last day...a little anger, a little frustration, and a little depression. Sometimes it seems that while I believe all the promises I have received from Heavenly Father, He really is just sending me one heartache after another. I am fine being alone, but the heartaches are tough.

But, I remembered a song I'd heard a time or two....and I've decided it is my new favorite. Some day, I hope I will rejoice in its sentiment:

"Bless The Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you....

Envelope, Please

And, after a day of fasting and prayer,........the verdict is in. The answer is still "No." It is not CK that the Lord is planning for me. But, I have faith more than ever in His wisdom for me. He truly knows all things.

I also believe Elder Holland when he said, "Look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed to the future." So, bring on the future. If life was so great with M and so great with CK....I can only imagine what the Lord is planning for me now. :) Single or married, alone or together, I have a great life and the only thing that is certain is that the Lord knows me, loves me, and will lead me, guide me, and walk beside me.

CK

CK has come and left. It was one of the very best weekends of my life. I definitely am in-love with that man. After M, I didn't think I would ever love again, but I do or did. I don't know if I will ever see CK again. I have to follow the Lord with whatever He tells me. I know He won't lead me away from Eternal Happiness, but rather towards it. He knows exactly who is best for me and I know that if I listen I will be okay. :)

I picked CK up Friday night after Day Camp. I am sure it was a great first impression: bright orange camp shirt, wet and sweaty with yucky hair and no make up. Yet, I had become such good friends with CK before we ever met that I was okay with going straight from camp. Good thing! I didn't have a choice with the timing of it all.

Saturday, we got to go here together:
(My favorite place!) We also went bowling and I got the worst score I have EVER scored. I guess I was distracted....54. Yikes! It is embarrassing to admit that! We also played and played and played Rockband. It was fun and CK rocks at it! :) One of the things I absolutely love about CK is how much fun we have together. I don't think I have ever dated anyone that made me laugh as much as CK. I think as long as we are together that we could have fun in any situation. We just laugh. I have never been as completely myself as I am with CK either. I was close with M, but there is an added comfortability with CK that allows me to just completely be myself and if I make a fool out of myself, we just laugh...together. Oh, how I love it and oh how I am hoping I will get to experience that with him forever. Time will tell.

Sunday we went to church and to my sister's house. It was a great day.

Monday was Flag Day. I think there must be a rule: if you are a man and coming to visit me to meet me and see if you might want to marry me....you have to be here on a day to help C do flags. Here is CK with C:

And, finally, we had to have some photos together so we can remember this weekend. C was our photographer and he had fun posing us and taking pictures. Don't look too closely or you might see the tears in our eyes as we thought of saying good-bye. :(

This one is my favorite:

Good-bye, CK. Love ya.

Yep...Now my gut and my heart are having an MMA fight in my body. The thing is: I love the Lord more than I love CK. I will always follow as He directs. Always. I did with M when it was difficult to wait. I will with CK, even if it is difficult to say good-bye. I will continue to follow the Lord until He leads me to Mr. Mystery whom He promised me is out there.

Priceless

I still have many posts pending.....like Cub Scout Day Camp: One of the best days EVER of my life. I had so much fun! It was hot, I was soaked, and I got to spend time with C. What could be better?

But...for now...

Finally kissing the man that has been my best friend for months: Priceless
Sending him home Monday, never to see him again: Just Got More Difficult

3 days!

Yikes! I have been in the middle of a special post about K, but between my computer problems, the Internet not working, and Blogger being down....it is not done yet....hopefully very soon!

But I did have to mention that CK comes to meet me in 3 days! I am excited. I am also saddened. I know that CK is not going to be more than my friend. It helps me gain perspective by being on this side of a "no" answer. It is not easy. I know it was hard for M and now I know first-hand. CK has become my best friend, though, and I am still so excited to finally meet him in person. I am grateful for the sacrifices he is making to come, even knowing the outcome of our relationship. I am a lucky girl and one day he will marry one even luckier and special woman, of that I am certain. :)

Also, CK brought to my attention a blog post from a year-ish ago. OK....I tried to copy and paste and it wouldn't do it...so just go look at it....it is so true, everything I felt a year ago is so true. And, the heartache I feel now is minuscule in comparison to the pain I felt then. Time truly is a great healer. Thank goodness. Oh how great the mercy of my God! (Click here for the link)