Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
But, I left the last post on a sad note and I have to make sure that all you worriers out there know: I am happy. I am okay. I wish life had turned out differently (with M), but I've done that song and dance before (with XDH) and come out okay on the other end. I have new worries and new hopes and dreams (with CK). I only have one May 29, 2010 and I am going to live it to the fullest. I already did my favorite thing: went to the temple. There is no better place on the planet for me. Every time I feel I am coming home and every time I feel rejuvenated and ready to face the world. Tomorrow will be the only May 30, 2010 that I will ever experience so I want to also live it to the fullest and look back on that date and have no regrets. I want to be who I am, love like I love, live like I live, and cherish each and every second while doing it!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
K and I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together. I love my boys so much, but there is just something special about a mother-daughter bond. I am so grateful for the love we share and for the opportunities that we had-three in less than a week-to spend time together.
First was a mother-daughter picnic for the Activity Day girls. The leaders are absolutely fantastic. We had so much fun. Thanks to XDH for allowing K to go with me and be later in her time with him! Here we are together. I don't like this picture of me, but it is the only one of us together.
One of the games that the girls absolutely loved was when all of them laid underneath blankets with just their feet sticking out. The moms were supposed to figure out which feet belonged to them. It was much harder than we thought it would be, particularly with their feet down and we couldn't see the color of their nail polish! (I did find K, by the way)
Monday, May 17, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
In addition, all these things have helped me to recover and I am doing much better!
- Talked to one of my best friends, Chad, for three hours last night. For some reason, we are not meant to be more than friends, but we are so lucky to have each other to lean on right now. He amazes me every day with his wisdom and support. I am very blessed.
- The Primary Activity: It was amazing. Thanks to lots of very careful planning by Sister P, we couldn't have asked for a better activity. I felt the Spirit over and over again throughout the morning: in the Testimony of President Hinckley, as I had the opportunity to bear testimony of Jesus' resurrection, as the children talked about holding to the rod, and through music. Who could feel down with the special spirit that the Primary children bring? I am still adjusting to my new calling, but the love for the children is just so automatic. What a blessing from our Father in Heaven who loves and cares for His little ones more than we could ever imagine.
- Going to the temple. It had been closed for two weeks and this was the first Saturday back open. I felt so much like I was going home. I know, even though I frequently have to be reminded, that my Savior lives and, not only does He live, He KNOWS every heartache I feel and is right there, ready to succor me. I could've lived in the temple today. He is always ready to give me peace and answers and to direct my life.
- Listening to the Prophets testify of Jesus Christ video. I was driving, so I couldn't see it, but I listened all the way home from the temple. It is amazing what a great Spirit of truth comes with apostolic testimonies of Jesus Christ.
How blessed I am! How blessed I am to be able to have the tools at my disposal, just waiting for me to grab, to lift myself up (with help, of course!) when the despair comes and I am down. How truly blessed I am. I have no room to complain. None at all. :)
Friday, May 14, 2010
I am not.
After being abandoned by two men that I loved in the last couple of years (one I loved for years and years and the other, after much trepidation, I allowed myself to trust and fall in love with quickly), I feel so alone.
But...I guess I am supposed to be okay. I guess enough time has passed from both XDH and M that I am supposed to be okay. Friends used to call and check up on me, but, with the passage of time, I even feel estranged from them and completely alone.
Part of it might be expectations. I expected and hoped and dreamed that after the divorce was final that I would have "friends" to go and date Friday nights when I don't have kids. I definitely did not expect to fall in love, neither did I expect that I would remarry quickly and perhaps not at all. I didn't even expect to have a boyfriend. But, I did expect to date. Nope. No one wants me.
Many have told me that my standards are too high, that I will NEVER find what I am looking for with such a high bar. But, I can't lower them. I just can't. It wouldn't be true to me. So, I guess they are right. I will never find anyone.
What is it that I don't have? I feel like I have so much to offer. Maybe not. Maybe it is just me. It if frustrating to finally open your eyes and realize what others (like XDH and M) have already figured out: I just don't have what it takes.
I am okay...just so everyone knows. Really and truly, I am okay. I even feel better venting. :) Please don't post messages to try and "console" me or refute what I have said. This was not a "pity-party-please-cheer-me-up" post. I just needed to vent. -sigh- Much better! :) No worries, okay?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Well, today I began a new one for myself. My temple is closed for its bi-annual maintenance closing. I miss it. I miss going. But, I decided that I and my temple clothes need a maintenance day as well. I scheduled it on my calendar (if I don't....it might not get done) and I have lovingly spent a few hours washing, ironing, mending, and folding my temple clothing so I will be ready next Saturday to go again. What a sacred afternoon. What a blessing. I will now have a bi-annual temple maintenance day of my own. :) Gotta love those traditions! :)
Monday, May 3, 2010
Today was super busy. I think I will be ready for a bath and an early bedtime tonight. I got up early and showered and did dishes. I vacuumed. I watched my friend's newborn while she went to the dentist. I made three loaves of bread. Then, I headed out to Lowe's and Home Depot (my two favorite stores!) and bought stuff to build a trellis for the vine plants of my garden, as well as a new edger. We came home, had a late lunch, played Connect 4. Then, while LD slept, I read my scriptures, mowed the lawn, edged it and trimmed it (with the NEW edger!) and fertilized the yard. Next, I finally put the Christmas boxes in the attic. They are heavy and I was worried that I was going to end up falling with the boxes on top of me, but I made it in one piece! I then reorganized the garage a little and swept it.
See...super duper busy. Life doesn't get any better than this, does it? I love Mondays.