First Day of School Pictures

Finally....here they are....my two fifth graders (okay, okay, S is not really mine...I just watch her before and after school and this is our 4th school year with her....so, I claim her) and my third grader. I am so proud of them. They are great kids and I am already impressed with them this school year.

Will it ever get any easier?

So....will it? I just was reading my blog posts from two years ago. They have a whole different tone than over the last year. I used to be happy. I used to not know what heartache meant. I used to feel secure in my life, marriage, family, and business. Some days I just don't know how I can go on.

Enough of that. Today was the first day of school. I will post pictures tomorrow in another (happier) post. But K started 5th grade and C 3rd. CRAZY! They loved it. I really think they have the best teachers for them this year and I am happy so far. I have requested specific teachers in the past, but we have such an amazing principal that for the last couple of years, I have just written her a letter regarding my children's strengths and weaknesses and personalities and what personality-style of a teacher would best suit them and let her choose. She does an amazing job and she really cares which student goes where. It shows. Our school is one of the best around. I think she did a great job for both C and K this year and I am happy.

Lonely

I have been doing really well. I promise. I have many more "good" days than "bad." But, tonight, like most Fridays, I am alone. Usually, I am fine, but tonight the emptiness is very real. I guess because we are on the final countdown. As soon as DH and his attorney present our paperwork at the courthouse, it is done. Over. Done. Final. That could be this coming week or, at the latest, the next week. Funny, the only thing I remember our sealer saying at our sealing is, "Failure is not an option." He said it many times and I will always remember sitting there, glowing, next to DH, and hearing those words. I guess he was wrong. Failure is an option. And it hurts. It just plain hurts.

"Please, blow my pasta for me."

Oh, the faith of a child. Tonight at dinner, LD's pasta was hot. He says to me, "Mom, I am going to ask Heavenly Father to blow it for me."

Immediately, he folds his arms, closes his eyes, and bows his head. Then, in a very pleading voice says, "Heavenly Father, my pasta is hot. Please, blow my pasta for me. Please! Amen." It was such a sweet moment....and I did have to hold in the laughter.

Happily, LD reported that his pasta was cooled enough now that Heavenly Father blew it and he started right in to eat.

Again...the faith of a child.

Circus Fun

Last night, the kids and I went to the circus. We have only been once before when K was 6 and C was 4. They got pretty tired of it pretty fast, so I wondered how this would go. This summer, though, I have really been trying to find inexpensive fun things for us to do. All three kids got free passes from the summer reading program at our local library and I had a 1/2 off coupon for my ticket, so we ended up paying $10 for all four (well, add $10 for parking)...still $20. Not bad. Our seats weren't even too bad...right in the middle and half way up. We could see everything really well.

We ended up having a really great time! We are all just so tired today from our late night last night.

Failed & Silly Me

Last night, LD comes running into my room, awakened by a nightmare (spiders were going to get him). I immediately pulled him up into my bed, hugged him tight, and promised, "It's okay. I am here. I will protect you." As I said these words, I new wave of fresh emotional realization rushed over me. There is something I have been subconsciously hurting about: I failed my kids as their mother. Mothers are supposed to protect their children. My children are hurting so, so, so much and I cannot protect them from this pain. Oh, how I feel I have failed them.

On a little bit of sillier note, last night I threw a tiny temper tantrum against myself by not reading my scriptures (I had that morning, but I usually do at night as well). I still prayed, but I was so depressed and hurting that I chose to avoid doing one of the only things that would bring me peace: reading my scriptures! Silly me.....it really didn't hurt anyone but myself. At least I woke up this morning laughing at the silliness of that choice.

More good days than bad

It has been a bit since I posted. Mostly, I have just been busy enjoying the last two weeks of summer with my kids before school starts. But...I know you are curious as to how I am doing. There have been more good days and happy days than bad. Today happens to be a really low one, but, there is always tomorrow, which will be great!

I am still trudging through my 978 pictures from our trip to Colorado and Utah a couple of weeks ago, but I did find these few last night that I love so much. Perhaps I will get around to posting more later (just, please, do not hold your breath....I don't want to be responsible for anyone passing out in front of her computer!).

Come What May

Wow....by the number of posts lately, you would think I'd be going through something difficult or something!

A good friend warned me yesterday that it would probably hit me very hard today. She, unfortunately, was right. This evening has been so difficult. It hurts greater than I thought possible. I am not angry, bitter, or unforgiving, just hurt and sorrowful.

Yet, once again, I was taken care of. I remembered watching a Mormon Messages video by Elder Worthlin some time ago. The kids and I watched it again tonight. It was "Come What May and Love It." It was exactly what we needed. All four of us (well, at least three....LD is still too little to even recognize what is happening) felt the Spirit and such peace and comfort.

I just want to know....how do people ever go through a divorce that they absolutely do not want without the gospel????? As for me and my family, we will come what may and love it.

Okay

I know there are many said and unsaid questions regarding how I am doing. I just want y'all to know that I am okay. Yesterday was okay. My DH's colors really came through in a good way as he voluntarily will be taking care of us financially. I was really impressed with him. If this divorce has to happen, it is being done in the best way possible. No fighting. No accusations. I hope that if it has to continue to finality, it continues this way.

I have been so blessed with peace. I feel one of the unknowns is now better known and I feel a weight is lifted. Really, I am so lucky. I miss DH a lot, but I have three wonderful kids, the gospel of Jesus Christ, a wonderful home, great friends, etc.. Once again, I know we will be okay. It is more than evident every day and I am so grateful.

Ironies of Rain

Most of you were asleep when I posted last night and might still be asleep as I post again...crazy. Two posts in less than eight hours.

But...it is raining. There are so many ironies of that:

1. It was pouring rain, similar to today, on our wedding day 12 years ago.
2. Rain symbolizes sorrow and tears and if there was ever a day to feel sorrow, it is today.
3. Rain also symbolizes becoming clean and a new birth, a fresh start. That could be today also.

So, isn't it ironic? It is raining.

Peace, Be Still

Again, it has been a tough day...I guess it is actually already tomorrow and that means it is THE day. Again, one foot in front of the other.

But, there is a quote that I love by Harold B. Lee and it states, "Just as a flood-lighted temple is more beautiful in a severe storm or in a heavy fog, so the gospel of Jesus Christ is more glorious in times of inward storm and of personal sorrow and tormenting conflict."

So true. And tonight I got to be at the temple with one of my best friends (one of my angels here on earth). I cried (a lot). But, I also felt peace (a lot). I remember feeling such flashes of inspiration while in the temple, but I don't remember them all. What I do have is an overwhelming feeling of peace. I am also fasting for extra strength to go through tomorrow. Again, another measure of peace.

All this just reminds me of the Savior on the boat with the severe storms (Mark 4:38-40): "and (the disciples) awake him , and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?" If there was ever a storm in my life, it is today. Yet...how can I be fearful? I must have faith. I already see His hand and hear his voice, "Peace, be still."

I will be okay. :)

Mercies in the Midst of the Storm

This week has been hard. Of course. Tomorrow is DH's and I's divorce mediation. In speaking with my attorney yesterday, she said it could be final in a matter of two weeks. WOW! I had no idea it could be so soon. It just brings up all the losses and emotion. Of course, I still love DH. Of course, I wish he would come back. Of course, I miss him like crazy. Definitely difficult days.

But....in the midst of it all I saw two tender mercies yesterday from the Lord that give me a little more strength to put one foot in front of the other as I walk from the knowns of life into the unknowns: 1) A very part-time employment opportunity that could help a little with the finances, and 2) DH finally explained to me the "why" of what he is doing. It makes more sense knowing why and understanding was something I had been praying for.

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. Keep it up....I know I need them more than ever this week.

Home

It has been a crazy and busy almost two weeks. We didn't get to see all the people we wanted to see. We didn't get to go all the places we wanted to go. We did, however, see many of our dear family members, including my Grandma who turns 94 next week. It was a crazy time. Lots of driving. But, now we are home. The hard part was that I have done this insane driving across the country thing many, many times and I have always been sooooooooooo excited to come home. I have always been so excited to see my DH and be together with him again. Yesterday, however, I didn't even want to come home. What was there to come home to? Divorce mediation next week. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. I miss my DH and I still love him so much. It is still incredibly difficult to wrap my head and heart around the fact that this is actually happening.

Well, it is off to unpack the car....fun for us (dripping with sarcasm)! :)

Colorado

After more than 17 hours of driving yesterday.....we have started our trip and are safely in Denver! It is funny to go to a different part of the country and feel how acclimated you have become.....we Texans were freezing last night! Speaking of "trip," LD didn't want for us to stop for breakfast because we were going to have breakfast on our "trip." I guess "trip" is a destination, not the journey! It was crazy to have company up until the second we left, but sooooooooooooooooooooooo worth it. I miss my in-laws already and we will see them tomorrow (this time in Utah....another drive!).



Just a quick update on our summer trip....Have a great week, y'all.

C's Baptism

Today was C's baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am so proud of him. He is such a special boy with a very special spirit. The baptismal service was so spiritual and so beautiful. C was beaming when he walked into the font. There were so many people there. I hope he saw just how many and felt how much he is loved. It was a hard decision for him with all that has been going on in our lives and he so wanted his dad to baptize him. But, in the end, he decided to be baptised. It was so wonderful. What a great day!
Here he is with MW, who confirmed him (a family friend) and PS, who baptized him (my brother-in-law). Both Grandpas were the witnesses.

This is a picture of many of the people that were there for his baptism, but we had quite a few others that had to leave prior to these pictures. Aren't we so lucky to be so loved? Family, Friends, and Ward Members galore...all there to support C and to support me and my family. How special.

One last thing, the parents are asked to do a short bio on their child being baptised. The Stake President reads it before the baptisms are performed. Here is C's (what a great kid!):

C was born in Portland, Oregon on July 10, 2001. He has an older sister and a younger brother that both love him very much. He is so excited to be baptized. He has been reading his bible regularly since he began reading at four-years-old. His dedication to the scriptures has always amazed and impressed his family. His favorite scripture is Helaman 5:12. He says, "I like it because it talks about having a strong testimony and how if a testimony is so strong nothing can break it down." His favorite primary song is "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus." He loves this song because he wants to be like Jesus so much. This shows in C as he loves helping and serving others. He is frequently the first one to volunteer for an assignment. While he is small in stature, he is a great leader in his school classes. Other children look to him as the leader in his classroom. He excels at school and enjoys participating in PACE (the Gifted and Talented program). He loves to play basketball and is a very gifted point guard (although he is missing a game to be here today!). He also enjoys art and building things with Legos. He is fortunate in that he excels at pretty much everything he tries. C's entire family is so proud of him and the excellent young man he is becoming. We love you, C!

"Around" and "a round"

K encouraged me to document this funny moment with LD. A little background: when he wants to carry something onto the carpet out of the kitchen he asks, "Can I carry it around and around and around?" He does the same thing if he wants a lot of something, "I want a lot and a lot and a lot."

Anyhow, tonight we sang "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus" before family prayer. C started late (goof ball) and K said, "I know, let's sing it like a round." LD promptly gets up from kneeling and starts walking around me saying, "sing it around and around and around." It was so funny. We were all laughing and he could not understand why...he was just walking "a round" and singing. Isn't that what K had suggested?

Resurrected

Thanks to an awesome brother-in-law who has donated hours and hours of his time...my computer is up! :) Still much to do...but it is at least up and not dead! :)

Dead Computer

I have a post waiting for pictures to publish about K's birthday. But, for now, my computer is dead, that is D-E-A-D. You never know how much you use it until it is gone. Yuck. Pray for its speedy recovery.

And....it is one of those couple of weeks where everything piles on at once (not even thinking about that darn computer!). In 5 days, we have the 4th of July (my FAVORITE holiday), but still hectic). In 6 days, I teach Relief Society....without a computer it is difficult to finish that lesson!). In 8 days, company starts arriving for C's baptism. In 10 days, C turns 8. In 11 days, C gets baptised. In 12 days, we leave for our family trip to see family. So, I am simultaneously getting ready for a holiday, company, a birthday, a baptism, and a road trip. And, I am trying to do all this getting ready stuff alone. It will be okay, it is just overwhelming to think about it!

So, until further notice....ta ta. Goodbye. Adios.

Out with the Old

Today is K's 10th birthday....Next post will be about that. What a great girl! How lucky I am to be her Mama.

But, as I look at changing my profile to put "10-year-old" in there, I realize that it is time to change the whole thing. What was reality a couple of years ago no longer is. I don't want to forget what it said or how I felt or how my life was. So, a personal remembrance post just for me: the old profile:

Just a little about me

I have a good life

I am an LDS SAHM of three kids (9-year-old girl, 7-year-old boy, and 2-year-old boy). I love life...but sometimes let the little things get me down. I try to do too much with the small amount of time that I have been given. I am so grateful for the multitude of blessings that are mine. Even with the frustrations of living, I feel I have the life of my dreams. I also co-own a chiropractic clinic with my husband. It is a lot of work to be self-employed, but it is fun to work together on it!

And my old favoritest picture ever. It is time to take it down.

Once again, it is so hard to say goodbye. Goodbye to the life of my dreams. Hello to the unknown. Goodbye to a marriage supposed to last for Eternity. Hello to the unknown. Goodbye to the clinic I helped build from scratch. Hello to the unknown. Looks like "unknown" and I will become good friends. Good thing what is unknown to me is not unknown to God. Good thing I am in good hands...His hands. Good thing that I can face the unknown with sure faith that I will be okay. For that I am truly blessed.

Talking to Heavenly Father

I just have to post about LD so I don't forget. It is another reminder to become as little children.

As is well known, these past months have been difficult for me. Many times I have found myself praying aloud in the car while going from place to place. Whenever LD asks what I am doing, I always reply, "Talking to Heavenly Father." Even when he comes in a room and finds me on my knees, I tell him I will be with him when I am done "talking to Heavenly Father."

Well, twice in the last few weeks, LD has shown the great faith of a two-year-old. First, we were grocery shopping and they were testing the alarm system. Every time it would go off, LD would bow his head on the cart. When the testing would finish, he would look up and say, "I told Heavenly Father I was scared. He said it would be okay."

Then, this week I really wanted to find my camera. I had it that morning when I posted on my blog, but it was no where to be found that evening. Frustrated, we left without it. While we were driving LD pipes up from the back seat, "Shhhh...Mom. I am talking to Heavenly Father about your camera. Now we will find it 'cause I told him we needed it."

Oh, the faith of a child. And, yes, LD, I love talking to Heavenly Father, too.