Birthday Brunch

I am so lucky. I am so lucky. After all the tears I've cried the last couple of weeks (or even the last couple of years), today my eyes were brimming with tears of gratitude as I looked around the local IHOP that we invaded this morning: 25 people (10 ladies and 15 kids). I am so lucky. Each time someone new arrived, I felt a resurgence of gratitude for the wonderful friends that God has placed in my life. No matter what the other struggles I face are, I, like Joseph Smith, can remember that I am not yet as Job...my friends do stand by me. How much luckier can I get??????

To hat or not to hat...that is the question.

I recently bought myself a fun little hat. Love it. Love it on me...in the mirror. But, this morning I had my kids take birthday picts of me and....I don't know if I like it anymore. So, I pose the question to y'all...to hat or not to hat?

In other news: K has gone all out to create a happy birthday for me. Oh, how I love her! And LD gave me one of the best presents ever this morning. He came in to my room while I was praying and said, "Mom, after you are done talking to Heavenly Father, are you going to read your scriptures? I know you love your scriptures!" The best gift ever is seeing him know that I know that God lives.

Hallelujah

I just feel like exclaiming from the treetops: "Hallelujah!" and "How great the goodness of my God!" I just had such an outpouring of the Spirit as I studied the scriptures tonight. Wow. I was blessed with enlightenment, understanding, and answers. I already knew the Lord knew me. I know it more than ever tonight. How cool is it that the words written in the books of the Lord will always hold the answers if we are in tune with the Spirit? Very cool. I am so blessed.

Gratitude

So...today was the culmination of a week of heartache and stress. I officially lost my dearest and closest friend. During my moments of extreme heartache, one of my best friends (J) gave me an "assignment" to list 10 things I am grateful for. At that exact moment, I felt everything but gratitude, but I listened and I do feel better. I am so lucky. I am so blessed. Who am I to complain? I am one of the lucky ones.

My list:

1. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ
2. The Restored Gospel, including a living prophet.
3. My children
4. The temple
5. Great friends/angels
6. My education
7. The scriptures
8. My country, state, city, and neighborhood
9. Financial peace
10. Uplifting and inspirational music

See? I am one of the lucky ones! Now I have another "assignment" from J to go finish. She is a wise woman...definitely one of my angels. :)

"The Great Test of Life is Obedience to God."

So...going to church was rough. I so wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I have been there before and somehow came through it, but now I am here again. Food nauseates me. Who cares about the house or anything else? Even my kids....I had to really pull every ounce of strength out to be there for them. I spent the 10 minutes before church started in an empty classroom crying and pleading on my knees in prayer to my Heavenly Father.

I just have a lot going on: sciatica (ouch!), a crazy week from heck, including my birthday that I so don't want to face (what is there to celebrate?), a bad cold/bad allergies, and, most of all, a very broken heart. Church was hard the whole three hours.

Yet, in the middle of Sunday school, there was an answer....it is me. I am not facing my Abrahamic trial with faith. I have promised the Lord to give up what I love for Him. Thought I did that when I gave up my marriage. Guess he needs to prove me some more. But, I have not been willingly giving up what my heart desires for what the Lord is asking of me. Gotta be better. M is better at this than I. I surely can learn from him. Even in the case of Abraham, the Lord had promised him seed as numerous as the stars in the heavens, yet then turned around and asked something completely contradictory in asking Abraham to suffer Isaac. In my small way, the "yes" answers versus the "no" answers are the same. Will I still be willing to sacrifice? Even when it seems contradictory? Do I trust the Lord even when it makes no sense? Abraham also had to show faith by journeying clear to Mount Moriah, and not turning around along the way. Guess it is a journey of faith and trust ahead. So, I have spent the last few hours studying Abraham and Isaac and seeing what I can do to be obedient and faithful like him.

Then, and this is sooooooooooooo cool, definitely a miracle: one of my best friends was speaking in church today in the other ward (congregation) that meets in my building. I have known this for a while, but besides talking to her and praying for her wasn't planning on doing anything about it. In the middle of Relief Society, the Spirit says: "Go listen to J's talk." So, I did. It was EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. It was on opposition. Now, this is the cool part. The Lord really has to orchestrate things sometimes. It had to be J or I wouldn't have left to listen to a talk in another ward. It had to be this topic since this is what I needed to hear. I definitely feel that the Lord planned it out way in advance to help his poor little daughter that He knew would be struggling. How cool is that?

So, at the end of the day, I am so grateful for a Lord that knows me and loves me, even when I feel that I don't have the faith or the patience that is expected of me. Maybe that is what I have to learn. Still....so grateful.

What do I have to learn?

So...in the midst of the all the answers, there is a lot of confusion. Why would the Lord plan my life so perfectly for me and then take it all away? To clarify a little about the previous posts, there is a "No" answer for M and I. Why? I am hoping it is a "Not now," but maybe this is another Abrahamic trial for both of us: giving up the one we love for the Lord that we love more. I thought we had both been through enough. What do I have to learn? Will there be a ram in the thicket?

All I know is that as I spent a few hours searching on LDS dating sites tonight, right away none of them compare to M (OK there was one with potential...but only one out of dozens). I would be so lucky to end up with M and, as of right now, that does not seem possible. Time will tell. As I said earlier, I trust in the Lord with all my heart. I am so confused right now, but I know as I follow him he will only lead me to where I need to be. So I will be patient and wait for Him. He will direct my paths and I will be okay. :)

Answers

Went to the temple today. What a place of answers! I am so lucky.

Girls' Night Out: 2.19.10

Girls' Night Out at my house tonight:

19 wonderful ladies
0 games
Tons of Yummy Food
Lots of laughter
A few tears
1 still very broken heart

Sometimes it seems that my strict obedience is not worth it. Sometimes it feels like why do everything as close to right as possible when the heartaches still come with such force. Sometimes I wonder if this is my reward for being faithful, why try?

But, I know my Savior lives. I know that He is in control. I know that while I may feel abandoned, I am not. He is there. He knows me. He knows my heartaches and my sorrows. And, he weeps with me for my pain. Just like is recorded in the bible, "Jesus wept." He was there, I am sure knowing full well that he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, yet he wept with those that were grieving. I am sure this is how He is with me. He knows the end from the beginning. He knows I will be okay, yet tonight He weeps with me.

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths."

I am filled with lots of "why" questions this morning and pain beyond imagination. Yet, I know the Lord is in control. I don't understand why he does what he does when he does it, but I know he is in control. I know he will guide my life in the path that it needs to go, even when I cannot see why.

Sciatica = PAIN

I am in so much pain. I did not know I could hurt this much! Yuck. I did go to XDH yesterday to have him work on me. Of course, he told me all these things that I can and can't do. Does he not remember that I am a single parent?? I have to do all those things. I have three kids and a house to take care of. I will be bending, lifting, carrying. There is no one else to do the laundry if I don't. There are three kids that for some odd reason want to eat.

I just know that the pain continues to get worse. XDH did say this is one of the most painful conditions out there and that it takes a long time to recover from. Yuck. Sciatica definitely equals pain! I can barely walk and I am scared to drive. It is my right leg and what if something happens while driving? I cannot believe how much pain I am in. On the bright side, the pain distracts me from the heartache pain. I am super worried. I am supposed to be the chaperone for C's field trip tomorrow and his teacher is 8 months pregnant and is really counting on me. What if I can't walk tomorrow again? -sigh- Pray for me!

Heartache

There are times when your heart hurts so much, you swear it will burst within your body. Been there. Done that. Now, it seems that I am destined to be there again, at least for a while. Never in a million years did I imagine how difficult it would be to fall in love again and send M back. It hurts to having him return to being a picture with a voice. I would be one lucky woman to have it all fall into place like we want, but I don't know if my fragile heart can handle the waiting, the unknowns, and the limbo we are in now. -sigh- Perhaps this girl is meant to have heartache.

Time Flies

So....M did make it in. It was a miracle that the two flights that he was on to get here were not canceled. It was a great and wonderful weekend. I was definitely a little nervous waiting for him in the airport, but not a lot. It went away immediately and we were as comfortable together as though we'd known each other forever.

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Because of the weather, the temple was closed. That was supposed to be our first date. Oh well. You know what happens when you make "plans." We spent most of the weekend just talking and cuddling. Every moment, I am so amazed with how perfectly we "fit" each other. Our wants, goals, testimonies, everything just match. I am struggling now more than ever with the distance. 800 miles is like bondage to us right now. Even so, I truly see Heavenly Father's hand in our meeting. I just miss M more than I thought possible. What a crazy story we have! :)

.

M takes such good care of me, something that I didn't realize was possible. There has never been a door he did not open or a chair he did not pull out for me. C watches him with such admiration and has learned from him in just the two hours that they were together yesterday. Speaking of, I do have to say that my favorite part of the weekend was watching M interact with my kids. He loves them already. They love him already. They even told me yesterday that they would love it if I married him.

Valentine's Day was one of the best ever....a handsome man next to me at church, a very yummy, fancy, and elegant dinner the night before, a gift certificate for a one-hour hot stone massage and manicure, and dozens of flowers filling my house today. I am one of the lucky ones. That is for sure.

Now, today, I can hardly walk. So glad it didn't happen yesterday when M was still here. I did something to myself when I was shoveling the snow on Thursday and my right foot/leg has been numb ever since...it has actually been getting worse each day and today I woke up unable to walk without extreme pain. I did call XDH and he said that it is probably a pinched sciatic nerve and that I definitely shouldn't workout. -sigh- I love working out.

25 hours or....not.

In 25 hours, I should be picking M up at the airport. I can't wait. It is crazy, but without even meeting, I truly am in love with him. I can't wait to officially meet this man of my dreams. Our story is truly like a fairy tale in many ways.

BUT...we are getting what they say now will be 10 inches of snow. It already looks like about 10 at my house. Don't get me wrong. I am a Colorado girl....snow is my friend. BUT NOT TODAY! I love snow days: hanging out with the kids, making snowmen, drinking hot chocolate, having a fire in the fireplace, baking bread or cookies, playing games, and watching movies. Love it, BUT NOT TODAY!

I have lived in Texas for 8 1/2 years. I have NEVER seen snow like this. It is beautiful, clean, white, serene, and peaceful. Normally, I would love it.....BUT NOT TODAY!

Just had to vent. There is a good chance that M's flight will be canceled tomorrow. If so, I just have to remember that I have been waiting my whole life for him, what is a day or two more?