Come What May

Wow....by the number of posts lately, you would think I'd be going through something difficult or something!

A good friend warned me yesterday that it would probably hit me very hard today. She, unfortunately, was right. This evening has been so difficult. It hurts greater than I thought possible. I am not angry, bitter, or unforgiving, just hurt and sorrowful.

Yet, once again, I was taken care of. I remembered watching a Mormon Messages video by Elder Worthlin some time ago. The kids and I watched it again tonight. It was "Come What May and Love It." It was exactly what we needed. All four of us (well, at least three....LD is still too little to even recognize what is happening) felt the Spirit and such peace and comfort.

I just want to know....how do people ever go through a divorce that they absolutely do not want without the gospel????? As for me and my family, we will come what may and love it.

Okay

I know there are many said and unsaid questions regarding how I am doing. I just want y'all to know that I am okay. Yesterday was okay. My DH's colors really came through in a good way as he voluntarily will be taking care of us financially. I was really impressed with him. If this divorce has to happen, it is being done in the best way possible. No fighting. No accusations. I hope that if it has to continue to finality, it continues this way.

I have been so blessed with peace. I feel one of the unknowns is now better known and I feel a weight is lifted. Really, I am so lucky. I miss DH a lot, but I have three wonderful kids, the gospel of Jesus Christ, a wonderful home, great friends, etc.. Once again, I know we will be okay. It is more than evident every day and I am so grateful.

Ironies of Rain

Most of you were asleep when I posted last night and might still be asleep as I post again...crazy. Two posts in less than eight hours.

But...it is raining. There are so many ironies of that:

1. It was pouring rain, similar to today, on our wedding day 12 years ago.
2. Rain symbolizes sorrow and tears and if there was ever a day to feel sorrow, it is today.
3. Rain also symbolizes becoming clean and a new birth, a fresh start. That could be today also.

So, isn't it ironic? It is raining.

Peace, Be Still

Again, it has been a tough day...I guess it is actually already tomorrow and that means it is THE day. Again, one foot in front of the other.

But, there is a quote that I love by Harold B. Lee and it states, "Just as a flood-lighted temple is more beautiful in a severe storm or in a heavy fog, so the gospel of Jesus Christ is more glorious in times of inward storm and of personal sorrow and tormenting conflict."

So true. And tonight I got to be at the temple with one of my best friends (one of my angels here on earth). I cried (a lot). But, I also felt peace (a lot). I remember feeling such flashes of inspiration while in the temple, but I don't remember them all. What I do have is an overwhelming feeling of peace. I am also fasting for extra strength to go through tomorrow. Again, another measure of peace.

All this just reminds me of the Savior on the boat with the severe storms (Mark 4:38-40): "and (the disciples) awake him , and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?" If there was ever a storm in my life, it is today. Yet...how can I be fearful? I must have faith. I already see His hand and hear his voice, "Peace, be still."

I will be okay. :)

Mercies in the Midst of the Storm

This week has been hard. Of course. Tomorrow is DH's and I's divorce mediation. In speaking with my attorney yesterday, she said it could be final in a matter of two weeks. WOW! I had no idea it could be so soon. It just brings up all the losses and emotion. Of course, I still love DH. Of course, I wish he would come back. Of course, I miss him like crazy. Definitely difficult days.

But....in the midst of it all I saw two tender mercies yesterday from the Lord that give me a little more strength to put one foot in front of the other as I walk from the knowns of life into the unknowns: 1) A very part-time employment opportunity that could help a little with the finances, and 2) DH finally explained to me the "why" of what he is doing. It makes more sense knowing why and understanding was something I had been praying for.

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. Keep it up....I know I need them more than ever this week.

Home

It has been a crazy and busy almost two weeks. We didn't get to see all the people we wanted to see. We didn't get to go all the places we wanted to go. We did, however, see many of our dear family members, including my Grandma who turns 94 next week. It was a crazy time. Lots of driving. But, now we are home. The hard part was that I have done this insane driving across the country thing many, many times and I have always been sooooooooooo excited to come home. I have always been so excited to see my DH and be together with him again. Yesterday, however, I didn't even want to come home. What was there to come home to? Divorce mediation next week. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. I miss my DH and I still love him so much. It is still incredibly difficult to wrap my head and heart around the fact that this is actually happening.

Well, it is off to unpack the car....fun for us (dripping with sarcasm)! :)

Colorado

After more than 17 hours of driving yesterday.....we have started our trip and are safely in Denver! It is funny to go to a different part of the country and feel how acclimated you have become.....we Texans were freezing last night! Speaking of "trip," LD didn't want for us to stop for breakfast because we were going to have breakfast on our "trip." I guess "trip" is a destination, not the journey! It was crazy to have company up until the second we left, but sooooooooooooooooooooooo worth it. I miss my in-laws already and we will see them tomorrow (this time in Utah....another drive!).



Just a quick update on our summer trip....Have a great week, y'all.

C's Baptism

Today was C's baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am so proud of him. He is such a special boy with a very special spirit. The baptismal service was so spiritual and so beautiful. C was beaming when he walked into the font. There were so many people there. I hope he saw just how many and felt how much he is loved. It was a hard decision for him with all that has been going on in our lives and he so wanted his dad to baptize him. But, in the end, he decided to be baptised. It was so wonderful. What a great day!
Here he is with MW, who confirmed him (a family friend) and PS, who baptized him (my brother-in-law). Both Grandpas were the witnesses.

This is a picture of many of the people that were there for his baptism, but we had quite a few others that had to leave prior to these pictures. Aren't we so lucky to be so loved? Family, Friends, and Ward Members galore...all there to support C and to support me and my family. How special.

One last thing, the parents are asked to do a short bio on their child being baptised. The Stake President reads it before the baptisms are performed. Here is C's (what a great kid!):

C was born in Portland, Oregon on July 10, 2001. He has an older sister and a younger brother that both love him very much. He is so excited to be baptized. He has been reading his bible regularly since he began reading at four-years-old. His dedication to the scriptures has always amazed and impressed his family. His favorite scripture is Helaman 5:12. He says, "I like it because it talks about having a strong testimony and how if a testimony is so strong nothing can break it down." His favorite primary song is "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus." He loves this song because he wants to be like Jesus so much. This shows in C as he loves helping and serving others. He is frequently the first one to volunteer for an assignment. While he is small in stature, he is a great leader in his school classes. Other children look to him as the leader in his classroom. He excels at school and enjoys participating in PACE (the Gifted and Talented program). He loves to play basketball and is a very gifted point guard (although he is missing a game to be here today!). He also enjoys art and building things with Legos. He is fortunate in that he excels at pretty much everything he tries. C's entire family is so proud of him and the excellent young man he is becoming. We love you, C!

"Around" and "a round"

K encouraged me to document this funny moment with LD. A little background: when he wants to carry something onto the carpet out of the kitchen he asks, "Can I carry it around and around and around?" He does the same thing if he wants a lot of something, "I want a lot and a lot and a lot."

Anyhow, tonight we sang "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus" before family prayer. C started late (goof ball) and K said, "I know, let's sing it like a round." LD promptly gets up from kneeling and starts walking around me saying, "sing it around and around and around." It was so funny. We were all laughing and he could not understand why...he was just walking "a round" and singing. Isn't that what K had suggested?

Resurrected

Thanks to an awesome brother-in-law who has donated hours and hours of his time...my computer is up! :) Still much to do...but it is at least up and not dead! :)

Dead Computer

I have a post waiting for pictures to publish about K's birthday. But, for now, my computer is dead, that is D-E-A-D. You never know how much you use it until it is gone. Yuck. Pray for its speedy recovery.

And....it is one of those couple of weeks where everything piles on at once (not even thinking about that darn computer!). In 5 days, we have the 4th of July (my FAVORITE holiday), but still hectic). In 6 days, I teach Relief Society....without a computer it is difficult to finish that lesson!). In 8 days, company starts arriving for C's baptism. In 10 days, C turns 8. In 11 days, C gets baptised. In 12 days, we leave for our family trip to see family. So, I am simultaneously getting ready for a holiday, company, a birthday, a baptism, and a road trip. And, I am trying to do all this getting ready stuff alone. It will be okay, it is just overwhelming to think about it!

So, until further notice....ta ta. Goodbye. Adios.

Out with the Old

Today is K's 10th birthday....Next post will be about that. What a great girl! How lucky I am to be her Mama.

But, as I look at changing my profile to put "10-year-old" in there, I realize that it is time to change the whole thing. What was reality a couple of years ago no longer is. I don't want to forget what it said or how I felt or how my life was. So, a personal remembrance post just for me: the old profile:

Just a little about me

I have a good life

I am an LDS SAHM of three kids (9-year-old girl, 7-year-old boy, and 2-year-old boy). I love life...but sometimes let the little things get me down. I try to do too much with the small amount of time that I have been given. I am so grateful for the multitude of blessings that are mine. Even with the frustrations of living, I feel I have the life of my dreams. I also co-own a chiropractic clinic with my husband. It is a lot of work to be self-employed, but it is fun to work together on it!

And my old favoritest picture ever. It is time to take it down.

Once again, it is so hard to say goodbye. Goodbye to the life of my dreams. Hello to the unknown. Goodbye to a marriage supposed to last for Eternity. Hello to the unknown. Goodbye to the clinic I helped build from scratch. Hello to the unknown. Looks like "unknown" and I will become good friends. Good thing what is unknown to me is not unknown to God. Good thing I am in good hands...His hands. Good thing that I can face the unknown with sure faith that I will be okay. For that I am truly blessed.

Talking to Heavenly Father

I just have to post about LD so I don't forget. It is another reminder to become as little children.

As is well known, these past months have been difficult for me. Many times I have found myself praying aloud in the car while going from place to place. Whenever LD asks what I am doing, I always reply, "Talking to Heavenly Father." Even when he comes in a room and finds me on my knees, I tell him I will be with him when I am done "talking to Heavenly Father."

Well, twice in the last few weeks, LD has shown the great faith of a two-year-old. First, we were grocery shopping and they were testing the alarm system. Every time it would go off, LD would bow his head on the cart. When the testing would finish, he would look up and say, "I told Heavenly Father I was scared. He said it would be okay."

Then, this week I really wanted to find my camera. I had it that morning when I posted on my blog, but it was no where to be found that evening. Frustrated, we left without it. While we were driving LD pipes up from the back seat, "Shhhh...Mom. I am talking to Heavenly Father about your camera. Now we will find it 'cause I told him we needed it."

Oh, the faith of a child. And, yes, LD, I love talking to Heavenly Father, too.

So, this is goodbye.

Our hearts are breaking this morning, especially C's. Our dear friends (txmommy's family) left our house to begin their move across the country. We are so lucky to have known them. We are so lucky to have been so close to them. We are so lucky that our friendships can continue and continue.

L is one of my dearest friends. She is so wise and compassionate. She is so laid-back and calm. She is such a good example of how a mother, friend, wife, and everything a woman should be. I love her so much. I want to be like her when I "grow up."

First, yesterday we had to say goodbye to the pool. We have spent summer after summer enjoying the good company, the cool water, and the laughter of summer here. We have had birthday parties here. We have learned how to swim here. We have talked about the good and the bad. We have shared pregnancies. We have shared heartaches. We have shared joys. We have made so many memories. Thanks.




This has been such a common sight over the last few years that I had to take a picture of it: two brown heads under water. L and I would just look for two heads to keep popping up for air, it was too hard to tell them apart.

After the pool, we were honored to have them stay at our home for their last night in Texas. We had such a fun time. It works out so well, since TXMommy is one of my best friends, E is C's very best friend, and H and K are close friends as well. We loved having them for dinner, nighttime routines, and breakfast. We love them so much. One memory I will cherish forever is singing "Love is Spoken Here" together before family prayer. Our two boys took the "boys' part" so well. I saw future priesthood holders, future missionaries, and future fathers as I listened to them sing their testimonies. What great examples our friends are. Their dad has been here a few times to use his priesthood and bless our family with priesthood blessings. What a great example for my little C.
This was such a common sight: Battlefront. This was a beloved "last time" this morning. So many hours. So many sleepovers. This was the sight every time. It came included with lots of commentary. Videogames are definitely an interactive sport for these two!
This morning was E's 7th birthday. For 15 days our little "twins" are the same age. Here they are in their '7' shirts. While it was so hard to say goodbye, it was interesting how the boys did: by lifting each other up in huge bear hugs. C then came in and wailed and wailed, begging E to turn around and come back. Breaks a Mama's heart. He has had enough losses and heartbreak. But, he is strong. He will be okay.

I guess it is out to Walmart to buy a webcam so we can Skype with them! We miss you, U Family.

Happy Birthday, C!

First...there are so many posts swimming around in my head instead of here in blog-land. Sorry. We have been very busy and life still isn't "normal."

I do, however, want to write about C's birthday party (last Friday). Yes, it is K's birthday that is in 6 days. Yes, C's birthday isn't until mid-July. But, C's best friend is moving this week. So the party had to happen early. Most years I have given the kids the option of having 1-2 friends and going out and doing something or having a huge party in the house with all their friends. This is the first time that C has opted to go out. What a blessing for me, actually, as it was so much less work and I think it was probably the best $75 I have ever spent (and probably less than I would've spent on a party at home!).

He took two of his best friends, E and R, and we went to a local mini-golf place. They had a pass that you could buy to do unlimited golf, rides (including bumper boats), go-carts. It included tokens for the game room and a hot dog for lunch. K and J went to friends' houses and it was just me and the boys. What a blast they had! R is much taller than E and C (who actually really look a lot like twins, at least brothers). This was the only bad thing. He could ride rides they couldn't and they could ride rides he couldn't. It turned out okay and the bumper boats was the hit of the day. Thank-goodness for the unlimited pass. It costs $5 per person per ride. The three of them went on it at least 5-6 times. That, alone, would have been $75.

Welcome, Welcome Sabbath Morning

It is the Sabbath! Hurray. This is my favorite day and almost always the day I "do okay."

But, I won't lie, every time I think I must finally be at rock bottom, it gets harder. It seems to have been a downward spiral the last few weeks....Definitely time for an up, right?
I think that as my new reality sets in, it is getting harder and harder to accept it. I remember the DH that I have loved so much for so many years and his words and actions now are so incongruous with that man that I have a difficult time wrapping my head around it. I miss him so terribly. I understand that he is never coming back, but I still miss him like crazy. I guess I am also so hurt that these would be his choices, that he would so completely and utterly abandon me when he is supposed to be my protector. It is also so hard to have the constant reminders of him: the couches we chose, the house we built, the clinic that we established together....every where I turn there is something we worked on together, played on together, went to together, etc..But, it is the Sabbath. Before I even get up there is a special feeling to this day. I am so blessed to have the scriptures, Ensigns, Patriarchal Blessing, music, General Conferences, and so forth to lift me up. They do daily, but seem to be especially powerful when it is the Sabbath. I can't wait for my kids to come home. I can't wait to go to church. It is going to be an "up" day! :)

Hardest Day and Unexpected Angel

Today was the most difficult so far in this saga. The pain is almost unbearable. I just wish I could fast forward a year. I KNOW without any doubt or hesitation that I will be okay. That is not even a question in my mind. Yet, the pain is so great right now that I wish I could fast forward to when my heart will be healing, probably not healed, but healing. Life will be taking on a different routine, but it will be becoming "normal." I know that it probably won't be a bed of roses by any means. I know I will still ache, but I also know that fast forward a year and I will be more okay than I am tonight.

Yet, in Heavenly Father's loving way, I was still taken care of this evening. An unexpected angel dropped by my house. She is a friend, but we have never really had the opportunity to become close (but would be, I am sure, if we had had that chance): our kids are different ages, we have never worked together with callings, etc.. So, she was not whom I expected to see when my doorbell rang. Yet, there she was...carrying a pan of fresh hot cinnamon rolls...and bringing with her a smile, a hug, and great conversation. She had no way of knowing that minutes before I was on my bed in tears....ready to drown in the sorrow. I feel 97% better and it is all thanks to her. See how darn lucky I am? I am so blessed.

Going, Going, Gone.

It is over. The End. How can I possibly have more tears to cry?

Blessed

So, today some friends from the ward called and asked if they could stop by with a "care package." I thought that they had probably just heard the news about our family situation and wanted to drop by with a plate of brownies and a hug. Well.....I got the hug, but I also got probably 3-4 weeks' worth of groceries and toiletries, totaling I am sure $200-$300 or more.

As I watched Brother S. come in with armload after armload of groceries, my first thought was "I am okay right now. I have enough food and money (for now). Why are they coming today?" Then...in a grand "Aha" moment...I realized that Heavenly Father knows how much I am worried about the future. He knows that the financial future looks bleak at best. AND...He wanted me to know that I don't need to worry...He is aware of our every need and we WILL be taken care of. I already knew this to be true, but Heavenly Father decided to emphasize it with a visual.

On a side note, I feel so amazed at Brother and Sister S. They have been so diligent in storing food that they just raided their pantry and freezer to bring me food. They also didn't know what they could do to help...so they did what they could and with great action brought us food to sustain us. Wow. Talk about serving as the Savior did. I am impressed beyond measure.

Side Note #2: The June Ensign came today. I haven't read it yet...but I probably will tonight in one sitting. But, I did thumb through it. Almost every article directly relates to me and my family right now. It was as if the magazine had been written JUST for me. Talk about tender mercies. I am so blessed.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Today, our Relief Society was in charge of feeding 70 ish missionaries for Zone Conference. It turned out well. It was so neat to see such a huge group of missionaries assembled together all at once. They sang some beautiful hymns that brought tears to my eyes. Their strength and power were magnificent. One thing that was so cool to me is that as we worked...four sisters ( plus one teenage son that came to help).....we didn't specify who would do what...we just did. We all picked up what needed to be done and did. That was cool.

But...back to the "out of the mouths of babes," I was driving LD to drop him off so I could serve at this Zone Conference. I had a Christian CD in. LD heard the word "Jesus" on the CD and got all excited. I asked him "Do you love Jesus?" LD replied, "Yes! I want to give him a hug." And continued, "And after Jesus, I want to give President Monson a hug." It was so cute and so true. I would like to give both hugs...probably in that order, too.