Questions for all my divorced friends....

Do you ever get over it? Do you ever heal? Do you still miss him/her so much sometimes it feels like you will explode?

Really...this post sounds more pathetic than I really have felt. Actually, I am doing REALLY well. I have been better the last 3-4 weeks than I have been in probably the last year. But, tonight, I miss him so much I feel like I could just die with heartache.

I know it will just continue to get better...but, tonight, just for tonight, I need some reassurance.

Words of the Prophets

Those of you who have followed my blog for any amount of time know just how much I love General Conference. I love hearing the words of a prophet...living...right NOW on the earth today. As long as I can remember I have looked forward with eager anticipation to General Conference. It is not a holiday for me, it is a feast...a spiritual feast. It is a time for me to worship my Lord and Savior and learn how I and my family can be better over the next six months. It is truly a time I treasure. With each conference, I come away uplifted, more sure of who I am, and eager to be a better person. This one was no exception.

A cool experience with this one was that I came to conference praying for specific guidance and help on 3-4 topics. EVERY question I had, every desire of my heart to find an answer...all answered in the first session. How wonderful to know I have a Father in the Heavens that knows me and loves me and is willing to help and guide me.

Here are just a few of the things that really touched me:

• Elder Richard G. Scott: Spirituality yields two fruits: Inspiration to know what to do and the Power to do it! And The Lord will not force you to learn. You have to exercise agency to authorize the spirit to teach you.
• Elder David A. Bednar: Be "more diligent and concerned at home." These are the three ways he suggested: 1)Express love and show it, 2) Bear testimony and live it, and 3) Be consistent! Consistency in small things leads to a great work.
• President Dieter F. Uchtdorf: Love is the defining characteristic of a disciple of Jesus Christ. God does not need us to love Him, but oh how wee need to love God.
• Tad R. Callister: Sometimes we trade spiritual birthright for a mess of pottage.
• Elder Neil L. Anderson: Repentance always means that there is greater happiness ahead.
• President Henry B. Eyring: Any believing Latter-Day Saint is an optimist....no matter what the circumstances are now. And, You have had evidences that you are moving along the road to become like Jesus.
• Sister Ann M. Dibb: "They had the equipment. They just chose not to wear it."
• President Thomas S. Monson: Lose ourselves in service to others or there is little purpose to our lives. And, Don't immerse self in the thick of thin things.
• Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Book of Mormon is safety for the soul.
• Elder Quentin L. Cook: In all stewardship efforts, follow Jesus Christ. Review as a family the stewardships for which we are accountable to God.
• Elder D. Todd Christofferson: Our aim is to have children truly converted to Christ while they are with us. Strength will come from WHO they are (disciples of Christ) not what the KNOW.

What an outpouring of the Spirit. How blessed we are!

Happy Birthday, LD!

LD turned 3 on Tuesday. THREE years old....when I started blogging, he was three months. What a joy he is to me and to our whole family. I do not think it was coincidence that he came to our family when he did. We have needed his loving disposition and his cheerful countenance so much this last year.

For his birthday, we went to a local train with some of his friends. He had such a great time. It was a gorgeous day and we just stayed and played and played.

THREE things I love and treasure about LD (hmmm....so hard to keep it to three!):

1. He loves everyone. He can be found giving complete strangers hugs. He has such an abundance of love and such a desire to share it. As I have struggled during the last year, if any tears even start to well up in my eyes, LD is running to get me a tissue. He always returns with a tissue, a hug, and an "It's okay, Mami."
   
2. He is so funny. He loves to create jokes and they are very three-year-old-ish, but even funnier are the ones he doesn't intend to be funny. One that I don't repeat in front of him (I don't want to encourage it), but is so funny is a month or two ago he spent a day saying, "What the heck?" I gently told him we don't talk like that, but he thought it was funny so he kept saying it. That night, as he was saying his prayers to Heavenly Father, he says, "I thank thee for 'What the heck?' " It was soooooooooo funny. Luckily, that phrase has never come out of his mouth again. Don't know what happened that day, but it was over as soon as he thanked Heavenly Father for it.
   
3. He is so innocent. I know this is a three-year-old trait, but it has really been refreshing to watch him be "as a child." He doesn't have anger towards me or DH for the stuff going on in our family. He just misses his dad and wants him to come home. The other three of us deal sometimes with the anger, but LD never does. He is truly innocent and a great reminder of how we should become like little children.

Okay...enough of a novel....here is his birthday in pictures (worth 1000 words, right?):

We love you, LD! Happy Birthday!

Ode to Fall

How do I love thee....let me count the ways.

I have ALWAYS loved Fall. It is by far my favorite season ever. And, today is officially the first day of fall and, here in Texas, it finally feels like it. The high was in the 70's today, not the 90's. It was beautiful and cool and my windows were open all day without it getting too muggy. Hurray!

I love Fall because school starts (as a former teacher, it is still such an exciting time of year), football season, cooler weather, and leaves changing (not really happening here yet, but I remember what it looks like!).

I just love Fall. Love it. Love it. Love it.

Castle / Protection

One of the only things that I have really gotten excited about lately is food storage. I have a little bit of money and have felt so strongly that I need to be prepared for my kids' sake. What good would a little money stored up be if we couldn't eat for some reason? So, I have been amassing cans and cans of food. I am doing it gradually...looking for deals, canning some myself, ordering some from the church, and ordering others from online companies. I am a little over half-way to a six-month supply (which is my goal). We have a tiny house or it would be a year's supply.

Speaking of tiny house, I am still working on where to store it all. I have many ideas/plans and it will all get stored eventually, just takes time. Right now, however, they are lined up along a wall in my bedroom. My beautiful K came up with a great analogy. She saw all those silver cans lined up and said, "Wow, Mom. It looks like a castle." Then, she added, "It is like a castle, because a castle provides protection and all this food for our family provides protection for us." Well said, K. Well said.

(What a perceptive girl, eh? I am her mom and could be biased, but I think she is pretty darn smart!)

A sweet reminder

One of my children (who asked not to be named) gave this to me back in July. It hangs on the door between my bedroom and my bathroom and it is such a sweet reminder. I love it. It makes me so happy when I am already happy and even when days are tough. Makes the difficult part of being a mom all worth it. :)

Everything Testifies of Him (Updated!)

It is amazing how everything really does testify of our Savior. Everything.

For a few weeks, I have been working on putting in a basketball "court" in our backyard. It isn't even close to full size, maybe not quite half, but I did triple the size of our patio and put in an in-ground basketball hoop. I have had lots of help. I hired concrete workers to do that part. Then, I put a portion of the hoop together. Finally, my good friends have come over TWICE to help me with finishing it....TWICE...what good friends they are!!!!

After we got it all in and finished this morning, the thought struck me with great force that no matter how hard I would've tried I could NOT put the hoop up by myself. It was absolutely physically impossible for me to do it alone. Doesn't that sound so familiar? NO matter how hard I try, I cannot return to my Heavenly Father by myself. It is impossible to do alone. That's why we have a Savior.

The second thought that also struck me with such force is that it felt so good to turn over the project to T. I let him carry the burden (literally with the weight, and figuratively with reading/following the instructions to put it together). I knew it would get done right and it was such a load of worry off of me. Again, sound familiar? How many times is it such a relief to turn the burden over to Jesus Christ? We know He will do it right. We know he will carry the burden.

Amazing...all things typify of Him.

PS....I have before, during, and after pictures that I will add to this post, but I have a VERY important football game to go watch (GO COUGARS!). I will post them later. Promise.


Update (09/07/09): Pictures are here and the Cougars WON! :) Game worth watching!

First Day of School Pictures

Finally....here they are....my two fifth graders (okay, okay, S is not really mine...I just watch her before and after school and this is our 4th school year with her....so, I claim her) and my third grader. I am so proud of them. They are great kids and I am already impressed with them this school year.

Will it ever get any easier?

So....will it? I just was reading my blog posts from two years ago. They have a whole different tone than over the last year. I used to be happy. I used to not know what heartache meant. I used to feel secure in my life, marriage, family, and business. Some days I just don't know how I can go on.

Enough of that. Today was the first day of school. I will post pictures tomorrow in another (happier) post. But K started 5th grade and C 3rd. CRAZY! They loved it. I really think they have the best teachers for them this year and I am happy so far. I have requested specific teachers in the past, but we have such an amazing principal that for the last couple of years, I have just written her a letter regarding my children's strengths and weaknesses and personalities and what personality-style of a teacher would best suit them and let her choose. She does an amazing job and she really cares which student goes where. It shows. Our school is one of the best around. I think she did a great job for both C and K this year and I am happy.

Lonely

I have been doing really well. I promise. I have many more "good" days than "bad." But, tonight, like most Fridays, I am alone. Usually, I am fine, but tonight the emptiness is very real. I guess because we are on the final countdown. As soon as DH and his attorney present our paperwork at the courthouse, it is done. Over. Done. Final. That could be this coming week or, at the latest, the next week. Funny, the only thing I remember our sealer saying at our sealing is, "Failure is not an option." He said it many times and I will always remember sitting there, glowing, next to DH, and hearing those words. I guess he was wrong. Failure is an option. And it hurts. It just plain hurts.

"Please, blow my pasta for me."

Oh, the faith of a child. Tonight at dinner, LD's pasta was hot. He says to me, "Mom, I am going to ask Heavenly Father to blow it for me."

Immediately, he folds his arms, closes his eyes, and bows his head. Then, in a very pleading voice says, "Heavenly Father, my pasta is hot. Please, blow my pasta for me. Please! Amen." It was such a sweet moment....and I did have to hold in the laughter.

Happily, LD reported that his pasta was cooled enough now that Heavenly Father blew it and he started right in to eat.

Again...the faith of a child.

Circus Fun

Last night, the kids and I went to the circus. We have only been once before when K was 6 and C was 4. They got pretty tired of it pretty fast, so I wondered how this would go. This summer, though, I have really been trying to find inexpensive fun things for us to do. All three kids got free passes from the summer reading program at our local library and I had a 1/2 off coupon for my ticket, so we ended up paying $10 for all four (well, add $10 for parking)...still $20. Not bad. Our seats weren't even too bad...right in the middle and half way up. We could see everything really well.

We ended up having a really great time! We are all just so tired today from our late night last night.

Failed & Silly Me

Last night, LD comes running into my room, awakened by a nightmare (spiders were going to get him). I immediately pulled him up into my bed, hugged him tight, and promised, "It's okay. I am here. I will protect you." As I said these words, I new wave of fresh emotional realization rushed over me. There is something I have been subconsciously hurting about: I failed my kids as their mother. Mothers are supposed to protect their children. My children are hurting so, so, so much and I cannot protect them from this pain. Oh, how I feel I have failed them.

On a little bit of sillier note, last night I threw a tiny temper tantrum against myself by not reading my scriptures (I had that morning, but I usually do at night as well). I still prayed, but I was so depressed and hurting that I chose to avoid doing one of the only things that would bring me peace: reading my scriptures! Silly me.....it really didn't hurt anyone but myself. At least I woke up this morning laughing at the silliness of that choice.

More good days than bad

It has been a bit since I posted. Mostly, I have just been busy enjoying the last two weeks of summer with my kids before school starts. But...I know you are curious as to how I am doing. There have been more good days and happy days than bad. Today happens to be a really low one, but, there is always tomorrow, which will be great!

I am still trudging through my 978 pictures from our trip to Colorado and Utah a couple of weeks ago, but I did find these few last night that I love so much. Perhaps I will get around to posting more later (just, please, do not hold your breath....I don't want to be responsible for anyone passing out in front of her computer!).

Come What May

Wow....by the number of posts lately, you would think I'd be going through something difficult or something!

A good friend warned me yesterday that it would probably hit me very hard today. She, unfortunately, was right. This evening has been so difficult. It hurts greater than I thought possible. I am not angry, bitter, or unforgiving, just hurt and sorrowful.

Yet, once again, I was taken care of. I remembered watching a Mormon Messages video by Elder Worthlin some time ago. The kids and I watched it again tonight. It was "Come What May and Love It." It was exactly what we needed. All four of us (well, at least three....LD is still too little to even recognize what is happening) felt the Spirit and such peace and comfort.

I just want to know....how do people ever go through a divorce that they absolutely do not want without the gospel????? As for me and my family, we will come what may and love it.

Okay

I know there are many said and unsaid questions regarding how I am doing. I just want y'all to know that I am okay. Yesterday was okay. My DH's colors really came through in a good way as he voluntarily will be taking care of us financially. I was really impressed with him. If this divorce has to happen, it is being done in the best way possible. No fighting. No accusations. I hope that if it has to continue to finality, it continues this way.

I have been so blessed with peace. I feel one of the unknowns is now better known and I feel a weight is lifted. Really, I am so lucky. I miss DH a lot, but I have three wonderful kids, the gospel of Jesus Christ, a wonderful home, great friends, etc.. Once again, I know we will be okay. It is more than evident every day and I am so grateful.

Ironies of Rain

Most of you were asleep when I posted last night and might still be asleep as I post again...crazy. Two posts in less than eight hours.

But...it is raining. There are so many ironies of that:

1. It was pouring rain, similar to today, on our wedding day 12 years ago.
2. Rain symbolizes sorrow and tears and if there was ever a day to feel sorrow, it is today.
3. Rain also symbolizes becoming clean and a new birth, a fresh start. That could be today also.

So, isn't it ironic? It is raining.

Peace, Be Still

Again, it has been a tough day...I guess it is actually already tomorrow and that means it is THE day. Again, one foot in front of the other.

But, there is a quote that I love by Harold B. Lee and it states, "Just as a flood-lighted temple is more beautiful in a severe storm or in a heavy fog, so the gospel of Jesus Christ is more glorious in times of inward storm and of personal sorrow and tormenting conflict."

So true. And tonight I got to be at the temple with one of my best friends (one of my angels here on earth). I cried (a lot). But, I also felt peace (a lot). I remember feeling such flashes of inspiration while in the temple, but I don't remember them all. What I do have is an overwhelming feeling of peace. I am also fasting for extra strength to go through tomorrow. Again, another measure of peace.

All this just reminds me of the Savior on the boat with the severe storms (Mark 4:38-40): "and (the disciples) awake him , and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish? And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?" If there was ever a storm in my life, it is today. Yet...how can I be fearful? I must have faith. I already see His hand and hear his voice, "Peace, be still."

I will be okay. :)

Mercies in the Midst of the Storm

This week has been hard. Of course. Tomorrow is DH's and I's divorce mediation. In speaking with my attorney yesterday, she said it could be final in a matter of two weeks. WOW! I had no idea it could be so soon. It just brings up all the losses and emotion. Of course, I still love DH. Of course, I wish he would come back. Of course, I miss him like crazy. Definitely difficult days.

But....in the midst of it all I saw two tender mercies yesterday from the Lord that give me a little more strength to put one foot in front of the other as I walk from the knowns of life into the unknowns: 1) A very part-time employment opportunity that could help a little with the finances, and 2) DH finally explained to me the "why" of what he is doing. It makes more sense knowing why and understanding was something I had been praying for.

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. Keep it up....I know I need them more than ever this week.

Home

It has been a crazy and busy almost two weeks. We didn't get to see all the people we wanted to see. We didn't get to go all the places we wanted to go. We did, however, see many of our dear family members, including my Grandma who turns 94 next week. It was a crazy time. Lots of driving. But, now we are home. The hard part was that I have done this insane driving across the country thing many, many times and I have always been sooooooooooo excited to come home. I have always been so excited to see my DH and be together with him again. Yesterday, however, I didn't even want to come home. What was there to come home to? Divorce mediation next week. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. I miss my DH and I still love him so much. It is still incredibly difficult to wrap my head and heart around the fact that this is actually happening.

Well, it is off to unpack the car....fun for us (dripping with sarcasm)! :)