Note to Self

I actually left myself this message when I was driving in the car. It is so true and so wonderful. Those that aren't near me to see this change, I am truly a different person. A burden, years in the making, has been lifted and I am full of light and joy and happiness. It is almost uncontainable! For my friends that read both my facebook and my blog, it is on both. But it was so wonderful that I had to share!

I am so happy! :) I have never been more happy. I have never been more confident. I have never been more sure of who I am. I have never been more sure of what I want in life.

As one of the unexpected blessings of this huge trial is that I KNOW that the Lord will watch over me and take care of me, no matter what happens, no matter what! I am truly in His hands and that is a great place to be. With Him near, there are no unknowns that aren't conquerable, there is nothing ahead that cannot be faced with faith.

I have never been happier. I am surprised, but bring on the sun, baby! :)

Holland

Almost a year ago, I published this post and poem. I have arrived. I am in Holland and my heart is about to burst with joy and peace. Holland was not my goal, Italy was. But, here I am and, you know what? Holland is beautiful.

I have so much gratitude for all the blessings and miracles in my life. I am especially grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I guess there is nothing like the mountain of a trial to bring one to where they need to be. I have changed and grown so much in the last two years. Many times, I have told Heavenly Father that I just can't do this, but, like always, He knows better than me. With His help, I did do it. And, I am so happy.

I love the gospel with all my heart. I love the personal revelations that we receive if we are willing to listen. I have had some troubling questions on my mind lately. For one of them, I stayed for hours in the temple yesterday praying, pondering, and struggling to receive an answer. And it came. I had another question today.....the answer was right there in the scriptures we read in Relief Society. Right there. Hit me like a ton of bricks. And, as I look back on this blog, in my journal, at the notes in my scriptures, I can see even more clearly now the very definite guidance of the Lord through everything. He really has been there through it all. The reward of my diligence and faithfulness is truly manifest in the joy and peace I feel now.

So, to all of you that have cried tears of sorrow for my deep pain, cry with me now tears of joy for the goodness of the Lord and the peace that I am surrounded with now! :)

More than okay.

Since my blog has been my never-failing friend through everything, I have to document here and now that I am okay. I feel the Lord's love and compassion more than ever. I can see a glimpse of the future and it is so good and so beautiful. Elder Worthlin taught the Law of Compensation, including that every tear of sorrow now will be returned 100-fold with tears of joy. I feel it. I once had a blessing in which I was promised, "Happiness is right around the corner." I also have felt many times while in the temple that I "had to let go to be happy." I am happy. The promises are coming true and, once again, I am one of the lucky ones!

In other news, school was canceled today. We've made cookies, completed some projects, and currently have friends over. Love it. Wouldn't choose any other life than being a Mama to my kids. Once again, I am one of the lucky ones! :)

I joined the club.

Sometimes I am a little slow. Over a year ago, I joined Facebook. Then, with the craziness of this year, I chose not to participate for an extended period of time. I am back on Facebook now and, like many others, I feel it taking away some of my blogging time.

Honestly, though, Facebook or not, I feels so bogged down and busy lately. This last week has been Taxi Mom at its finest and I am still recovering from our health issue and then the vacation.

I have some wonderful pictures to show of Christmas....and I will soon, promise! :)

12 years, 7 months, 7 days

If there was a gravestone on our marriage, it would read:
May 24, 1997-December 31, 2009.

For so long, I thought it was May 24, 1997-Forever. I even have books and pictures that say this. Nope. It is over. And, we were married 12 years, 7 months, and 7 days.

I do have to say that the first 11 years were incredible. We had a great marriage and I treasure those memories. The last year and a half have been tough due to the many surprising decisions of XDH (Yep. Now that the divorce is final, his name has changed to XDH). Ironically, it was also just after Christmas almost exactly 13 years ago (January 3, 1997) that XDH proposed to me. He asked me to marry him in front of the Mt. Timpanogas temple, which is where we were married/sealed a few months later. Oh, the ironies of life!

I am ready. I am ready now to start a new life. The peace and calm that I feel demonstrates yet again to me how much my Heavenly Father knows me and just how much He is aware of me. How lucky I am!

D Day: The good, the bad, and the ugly

D day: Dooms Day, AKA Divorce Day

In less than 24 hours, I will be a divorced woman. Tomorrow is the day that DH is going to court.

The good: This last year has not been fun. It is kind of cool that the divorce will be final on the last day of 2009, allowing a completely brand new life for 2010.

The bad: DH told me what day he was going to court...even though I didn't want to know.

The ugly: OK, maybe not ugly, but I am somewhat frustrated....he asked ME to babysit the kids while he goes to court. How does that work? Asking your wife to watch the kids so you can go to court to finalize the divorce? So, he will drop them off tomorrow and we will be married. He will pick them up a few hours later and we will be divorced. C-R-A-Z-Y!

I know everyone wonders how I am doing. I am okay. I swing from deep sorrow that this divorce that was not in my life plan will be final so soon to relief that it is finally over. I can move on. I can close the door to 2009 and begin anew in 2010. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Love you all! Happy New Year! :)

One of the best Christmases ever!

I come home tomorrow. So sad to leave. I just have to say that what potentially could have been the very worst Christmas of my life was not. It was one of the very best. I'll post about it later (hopefully!).

I just love all my family and friends.

I am one of the lucky ones!

To Be Like Him

Merry Christmas to all!

My dad combined verses from 1st Corinthians 13 and Moroni 7. It really impacted me that these are the characteristics that I really need to focus on. Some, I am doing well on and others I have to work on. All, of course, I can improve on.

So, as I ponder even more my Savior this time of year, who He is, and how I can be like Him, I am looking at who I am and who I want to be.

Am I full of Charity? Do I...

• Suffer long?


• Am kind?


• Envy not?


• Am not puffed up?


• Seek not my own?


• Am not easily provoked?


• Think no evil?


• Rejoice not in iniquity, but rejoice in truth?


• Bear all things?


• Believe all things?


• Hope all things?


• Endure all things?

Great things to think about this time of year. I want so much to be like Him. Long way to go, but at least I have guidance (it is a list! What can be better?).

Colorado

We made it! We are here right now in Colorado. Much to the HUGE disappointment of my kids, there isn't much snow...just a little here and there in the shady places. Many prayers are being said for the snow. We will see what happens.

It was so amazing that we were even able to get here with the week we had the last 7 days. It is crazy to go through crowded airports with three kids by yourself. Really crazy! We didn't all get to sit together on the plane, but it turned out okay. The airline helped us many times. But, I am still scared about Monday....when we fly to visit DH's family in Utah. More crowds, more people, more stress. I think we are going to show up to the airport three hours early just so we can make it in time with all the kids and backpacks and carry-ons and security. It is crazy.

If I don't get back to y'all later...Merry Christmas. Don't forget the reason we celebrate. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves us. This I know.

Just when you think it can't get worse.....

......It does.

After all the health issues of this week, the drama with DH, and other dramas, this morning I was simultaneously sooooo ready to take the sacrament and so not wanting to even put forth the energy of going to church.

With much effort, I get the kids ready after DH drops them off (This is one thing I have to say about him.....he is flexible in letting them attend church 99% of the time. Kudos, DH!). We all get in the car and....it won't start. -sigh- It finally does and off to church we go....then K (who had been complaining of a stomach ache all morning) now says she thinks she is going to throw up. Oh, joy.

We get to church 13 minutes late. I park far away and reverse into my parking spot to make it easier if I need a jump after church and head in...barely making it for the sacrament in the foyer. Not exactly the quiet moments of reflection and peace I had envisioned.

What more could possibly go wrong?

Yet, what more could possibly be right?

In the midst of it all, Sacrament Meeting was amazing and the Spirit was so strong. I knew I was in the right place. Then, after dropping of the kids at DH's after church, I came home and watched a CES fireside from Elder Scott, given in 1999 (love the DVR!). It was just EXACTLY what I needed. Questions I'd had about my situation, DH, and where to go from here were all answered in the Lord's own way. Maybe I needed to feel so broken so I could be put together with the Lord's loving hands.

Thank-you for your thoughts and prayers. Keep them up. The rest of 2009 promises to still be difficult, but, for now...I am doing really well and, compared to yesterday, it feels sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good! :)

Addendum: I just had to document that we feel so loved tonight. Life was already 1,000,000% better than yesterday and to make it even better, we had an outpouring of love. We had carolers, doorbell ditchers, Relief Society presidency, and our dear Bishop and his wife all drop in on us just tonight. The Lord has taken care of us. He has shown his love through others and I am truly grateful. My support system has been immense and, I must admit, that while there are definitely times I feel so alone and abandoned, there are many more times that I feel so loved. Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you.

Yuck...it has happened.

It has happened....I, today, am the bitter and angry woman I have fought and fought and worked and worked for the last year and a half NOT to be. There is no use fighting it now. Yuck.

DH has been meaner to me in this last week than he has been in months (probably since July). I understand he doesn't want to be married to me....I am holding up my end and doing my part for the divorce, even though it is not what I want. Why does he have to be mean, malicious, and hurtful?????? Does he think it will be easier for me to be divorced if I hate my ex-husband?

All I know is I cannot do this any more. I feel so alone. It is Christmas and my friends need to be with their own families, not with a bitter, angry, soon-t0-be divorcee. I will never understand why my DH would want to do this. Never. I just feel so rejected, isolated, and completely alone.

The bitterness is here. I give in, surrender, and wave the white flag. Can't fight it any more.

They are gone...

DH just picked up the kids to take them for Thanksgiving.

Yuck. This is so hard. K was sobbing when we had to say goodbye. We have never been apart this long in her whole life.

I still don't understand how DH could do this to me, let alone his own children. So many consequences. Every new one so difficult.

I am sure that next year's holidays will be a little easier. But, for now, this is really, really hard. I still want to be with him myself. Then, I also want our family to be together, especially for the holidays.

So...on that lovely note...HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am sitting here after cooking all day with the combined smells of pie, sweet potatoes, stuffing, and turkey. -sigh- It smells heavenly. We are having "Thanksgiving" today so that we can have one together before the kids go out of town with DH. It has been a wonderful day. It feels like a holiday.

I bought a bunch of wood as part of my preparedness kick and we moved it all to the back this morning. Then, we have been cooking, cooking, cooking. :) The kids are happy, I am happy. It has been great. My sis and her family are on their way down and it will truly feel like Thanksgiving to be surrounded by family.

BTW: Thanks for all the offers I have received for somewhere for me to be on Thursday so I am not alone. I truly appreciate them.

LD and a firetruck

We have had many experiences with firetrucks and firemen, luckily never in an emergency. LD loves it every time. This time it was at our local library storytime. LD and I have been going regularly every week. Earlier this year, he did not like storytime and was nervous with the crowds. I guess he's overcome it....the firetruck storytime was very, very full and he was okay.

At this time of year of being thankful, I truly am thankful for our firefighters and policemen/women and others that serve me to keep my family and I safe. Thank-you!

So much for one a day! Catch-up Continued

Okay..Okay...So, I had a list of 10 upcoming posts. It has been an extremely busy week and I haven't posted all week. So, we are only up to 5 and 6. -sigh- I'm working on it, I promise.

We went a second time to the Pumpkin Patch so the big kids could go. It was even muddier than the first time! This is the mud that got on the socks in the "mud-free" area around the bounce houses (I actually just threw the socks away and had the kids go sock-less after this):

Aren't these great pictures of S?:

DH called at the last minute to ask if I could bring the kids some costumes. I was still working on the Harry Potter ones, so I brought the ones they ORIGINALLY were going to be. I then stopped and did K's hair outside of DH's apartment. Sure turned out cute and I am glad that they each got to be two things this year for Halloween.

After we all got back from Trick-or-Treating, I made a fire in the fireplace. Once our friends left, we all got blankets and pillows and had a huge family slumber party in the living room. I am too old to sleep on the floor, I guess, and when I got up to go to bed, this is what I found:

So, there you have it: Halloween 2009!

It was me

I just have to interject this post in the middle of all my catch-up posts.

As many of you know, last week we had Stake Conference. I went to the evening adult session on Saturday night. The second half really threw me for a loop....among the lowest of lows loop, including extreme discouragement, frustration, depression, and a feeling that I could not go on. Thank goodness I have loving friends and leaders that guided me quickly out of this loop and I have had a great week.

But, last night I reread my notes from the first half of that Saturday night session. This is some of what was said:

• "If faith, fasting, and priesthood blessing doesn't heal you, Atonement will."
• "When you are doing the Lord's work, your children are in His hands and His hands are always better than your hands."
• "All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."

So, it was me. I had all the answers even before the pain started. It was me that turned away and allowed myself to feel that extreme anguish. He had already given me the answers. It was me.

Gymnastics - October 26, 2009

Every year our local high school holds a 7-8 week gymnastics class. The classes actually do age-appropriate things on the real gymnastics equipment. K LOVES it! Every year she can't wait to do it. Since it is on Monday nights when DH has them, he has been taking K. I got to be there a couple of times, however. The parents sit relatively far away from the kids (except picture day...which hasn't happened yet and DH will probably be the one that is there), so this picture is blurry and grainy.

Notice the costume....it was costume night at gymnastics and K won one of the prizes in the contest! She was sooooooooooooooo excited.

This is another sort of random picture. Here is LD with two of his friends that were playing at our house. They are all three and they love to play together! They will grow up so fast. I have similar pictures with K and C at this age. -sigh-

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PS....I am doing it! One post a day and I am slowly but surely catching up! :)

Sailing - October 24, 2009

I have this amazing friend, G, who is helping me with my big Christmas project. She and her husband also own a sailboat. They offered to take me sailing one Saturday. I absolutely LOVED it! I jokingly told G that now I have another thing to put on my list....if I ever do get remarried, he has to know how to sail! It was such a great experience.

One thing that really struck me was how scared I would have been if I did not trust these two people that were sailing the boat. It was very windy and many times the boat tilted way over to one direction or another. It was all part of sailing, but without that trust I would've been terrified. I guess that is a type of the trust that we need in our Savior. We don't have to be terrified of this life. He is the sailor and He knows what He is doing.

This is just a random picture LD took of me a day or two later. When he saw me going through pictures he wanted me to post it, too....wet hair, make-up-less and all!

National Anthem at Minor League Hockey Game - Oct. 24, 2009

K and her select school choir were given the opportunity to sing the National Anthem at a local minor league hockey game. It was even the team's banner ceremony where they were celebrating all the accomplishments of the last year. I guess the team was pretty good.

K was so excited. Here they are on the ice waiting for the time to sing.

Unfortunately, the sound guy messed up or something. They didn't play the choir's music for the National Anthem. The choir didn't get to sing and the show went right on. Those poor kids and teacher. They all got out on the ice, didn't sing, then all walked back off the ice. They were so disappointed. While the team was unable/unwilling to do anything about the situation that night, they did promise to invite the choir back later in the year and, since we all had to buy tickets (even the choir members), that they would give us all free tickets for the second game.

Pinewood Derby - October 23, 2009

C participated in his first ever pinewood derby last month. We are so blessed that he got to participate in it. First, we have great home teachers who, for weeks had C over to work on his car with them. He loved it. I loved that he was rubbing shoulders with great Priesthood holders. I am so grateful. Second, the derby itself was during DH's time with the kids. He was generous enough to let C go. What a blessing.

Now, for the race itself. C's car won the first three-four races easily. It looked great. His face was pure joy, especially when he won that very first race. Then he lost one. This put him in the playoff race for third place. He lost that one, too, ending up 4th. He was devastated. Oh well. It was still worth it. He really had so much fun. But, it doesn't matter how often you tell an 8-year-old that "winning isn't everything," they still wish that they had won.

The sad thing was that my camera quickly ran out of batteries. I thought it was charged enough. Nope. I was wrong. I took more pictures with my phone...but, in the interest of actually getting these posts caught up a little....I didn't take the time to download them off the phone yet.