Bittersweet

It appears that once again the Lord is taking my life in a direction that I did not expect and I do not necessarily want. I have more faith than I realized, though, for I am letting Him lead me, even though it goes away from the desires of my heart. He knows me better than I can imagine and I trust Him that He has a plan for me. I just have to follow, even if it means yet another heartache. What a bittersweet weekend meeting my best friend will be. Hello and Goodbye all at once is what it appears to be.

Happy and Busy

I think this past week is definitely in the running for the busiest week of my life. I have so many pictures to share and I hope to "really post" soon. It has just been school stuff for the kids, church stuff for me (and for the kids), watching a newborn, and helping a best friend as she temporarily moves to California. Put it all together and I am not sleeping much, eating much, or cleaning much. But, the time is fast approaching when I will have more time to do all three.

But, I left the last post on a sad note and I have to make sure that all you worriers out there know: I am happy. I am okay. I wish life had turned out differently (with M), but I've done that song and dance before (with XDH) and come out okay on the other end. I have new worries and new hopes and dreams (with CK). I only have one May 29, 2010 and I am going to live it to the fullest. I already did my favorite thing: went to the temple. There is no better place on the planet for me. Every time I feel I am coming home and every time I feel rejuvenated and ready to face the world. Tomorrow will be the only May 30, 2010 that I will ever experience so I want to also live it to the fullest and look back on that date and have no regrets. I want to be who I am, love like I love, live like I live, and cherish each and every second while doing it!

My Heart Works! :)

A final broken heart. At least I know that my heart works. My heart wants to love. My heart wants to feel. After all that I have been through, it is not hardened and bitter. What a blessing to know that my heart is not broken....I found that out with a broken heart. Ironic, isn't it? Good-bye, Matthew. Hello to the rest of my life.

A Great Family Home Evening

Tonight, we had such a wonderful Family Home Evening. It actually turned out better than I'd hoped when I planned it.

We began with a song and prayer, of course. Next, I read some scriptures to the kids from the Doctrine and Covenants about being wise stewards. We have been incredibly busy the last couple of weeks and our house is not up to the standard of being wise stewards of our possessions. As I talked about it, I had a lot of grumpiness because they knew we were going to have to work and do services (chores). But, we did a scavenger hunt where we beat the clock not each other. It was a blast! We worked so hard. We all worked together. There was no fighting, arguing, or complaining. We just worked hard and we got the whole list (see above) done in 21 minutes, thus earning us a bowl of ice cream for a treat! It was a blast, the house is cleaner, and we are all making memories working together. What a great FHE! :)

Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time there was an amazing man. He was lonely and needed a friend. Once upon a time there was an amazing woman. She was lonely and needed a friend, too. God brought them together and they became very best friends, but both ended up wishing for more. They spent hours talking together, crying together, consoling each other, rejoicing with each other, being there for each other. Then, a day came when it was time for the friendship to dwindle. Hearts were broken. After months together they had become such a part of each other's lives. But, it was time. It was time. I am the woman. My heart is breaking and once again, I find myself with overflowing tears. Yet, I know that this is how it should be. Doesn't make it any easier. One of my favorite movie quotes of all time is applicable here: "The pain now is part of the happiness then." How lucky I have been to know CK and be best friends with him the last few months. Oh, how I needed him. Oh, how I will miss him. But, oh, how I trust the Lord. His ways I will follow. The tears won't always be here, right?

Mother-Daughter Time!!!

I have started this post about three times....and I always have Internet problems while the pictures are loading. It worked this time, hurray!

K and I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together. I love my boys so much, but there is just something special about a mother-daughter bond. I am so grateful for the love we share and for the opportunities that we had-three in less than a week-to spend time together.

First was a mother-daughter picnic for the Activity Day girls. The leaders are absolutely fantastic. We had so much fun. Thanks to XDH for allowing K to go with me and be later in her time with him! Here we are together. I don't like this picture of me, but it is the only one of us together.
One of the games that the girls absolutely loved was when all of them laid underneath blankets with just their feet sticking out. The moms were supposed to figure out which feet belonged to them. It was much harder than we thought it would be, particularly with their feet down and we couldn't see the color of their nail polish! (I did find K, by the way)

And...this wasn't part of our mother-daughter alone time, but I still wanted to include it and she was in it. So, a mother's day picture of me and my kiddos. Love them!

Next, I took her out of school a little early one day for a mother-daughter "date." We registered her for College for Kids, then went to our yummy, yummy puposa place.

We also went to Sam Moon and bought some cool matching earrings before having to head home. It was a great time!

Finally, for time #3, I got to be a chaperone for a field trip to a choir competition. I got to ride the bus over an hour each way. It was hot and windy, but I love being with the kids on the bus. K is in a select choir at her school. She has gotten to perform in many places and they practice very hard after school each week. This was the culmination: the competition.

At the "practice tent:"

During the performance (they sounded GREAT!!!):

After the performance, they got to ride some rides at the little amusement park. We didn't have a lot of time, but they had fun on the ones they were able to do. I had fun with my little group of six girls that I was in charge of (yes! a preposition at the end of a sentence. sorry).

Here is S and K with the trophy after the competition (they won a first place...each choir is judged and given a 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place for their technique and sound and...well I really don't know what all):

On the bus, going home:

I am so grateful to have K as my daughter. She is my oldest and my only girl, both of which give us a special bond. She really wants a sister and is hopeful that I will remarry someone with a girl or two (or three!) close to her age. For now, though, we are the females of the house and we love each other with a fierceness and closeness that is difficult to describe.

K, if you read this, I love you! I am so glad you are my daughter. You are so special. You have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ. You have a strong sense of right and wrong. You have a strong desire to make everyone feel included. You excel at school. You are talented in so many ways. I am very pleased with all you have done and continue to do. You are amazing and I love you! Love, Mami

13 years

13 years ago today I went to the temple for the first time. I went with DH, my parents, and my good friend, Wendy. Today, I reflect on what a blessing that has been in my life. I am so grateful that I live in a time when temples dot the earth, that I am worthy to enter, and that I have one close by. Happy Temple Anniversary to me! :)

What goes down must come up...

First, thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. I know they all helped me recover from my "down" day yesterday.

In addition, all these things have helped me to recover and I am doing much better!

1. Talked to one of my best friends, Chad, for three hours last night. For some reason, we are not meant to be more than friends, but we are so lucky to have each other to lean on right now. He amazes me every day with his wisdom and support. I am very blessed.
2. The Primary Activity: It was amazing. Thanks to lots of very careful planning by Sister P, we couldn't have asked for a better activity. I felt the Spirit over and over again throughout the morning: in the Testimony of President Hinckley, as I had the opportunity to bear testimony of Jesus' resurrection, as the children talked about holding to the rod, and through music. Who could feel down with the special spirit that the Primary children bring? I am still adjusting to my new calling, but the love for the children is just so automatic. What a blessing from our Father in Heaven who loves and cares for His little ones more than we could ever imagine.
3. Going to the temple. It had been closed for two weeks and this was the first Saturday back open. I felt so much like I was going home. I know, even though I frequently have to be reminded, that my Savior lives and, not only does He live, He KNOWS every heartache I feel and is right there, ready to succor me. I could've lived in the temple today. He is always ready to give me peace and answers and to direct my life.
4. Listening to the Prophets testify of Jesus Christ video. I was driving, so I couldn't see it, but I listened all the way home from the temple. It is amazing what a great Spirit of truth comes with apostolic testimonies of Jesus Christ.

How blessed I am! How blessed I am to be able to have the tools at my disposal, just waiting for me to grab, to lift myself up (with help, of course!) when the despair comes and I am down. How truly blessed I am. I have no room to complain. None at all. :)

Am I supposed to be okay?

Am I supposed to be okay? Is that what is supposed to happen?

I am not.

After being abandoned by two men that I loved in the last couple of years (one I loved for years and years and the other, after much trepidation, I allowed myself to trust and fall in love with quickly), I feel so alone.

But...I guess I am supposed to be okay. I guess enough time has passed from both XDH and M that I am supposed to be okay. Friends used to call and check up on me, but, with the passage of time, I even feel estranged from them and completely alone.

Part of it might be expectations. I expected and hoped and dreamed that after the divorce was final that I would have "friends" to go and date Friday nights when I don't have kids. I definitely did not expect to fall in love, neither did I expect that I would remarry quickly and perhaps not at all. I didn't even expect to have a boyfriend. But, I did expect to date. Nope. No one wants me.

Many have told me that my standards are too high, that I will NEVER find what I am looking for with such a high bar. But, I can't lower them. I just can't. It wouldn't be true to me. So, I guess they are right. I will never find anyone.

What is it that I don't have? I feel like I have so much to offer. Maybe not. Maybe it is just me. It if frustrating to finally open your eyes and realize what others (like XDH and M) have already figured out: I just don't have what it takes.

I am okay...just so everyone knows. Really and truly, I am okay. I even feel better venting. :) Please don't post messages to try and "console" me or refute what I have said. This was not a "pity-party-please-cheer-me-up" post. I just needed to vent. -sigh- Much better! :) No worries, okay?

Traditions

I love traditions. I create them all the time for my little family: Popcorn Prophets, Pieces "Friend", Break-the-Fast Breakfast, etc..

Well, today I began a new one for myself. My temple is closed for its bi-annual maintenance closing. I miss it. I miss going. But, I decided that I and my temple clothes need a maintenance day as well. I scheduled it on my calendar (if I don't....it might not get done) and I have lovingly spent a few hours washing, ironing, mending, and folding my temple clothing so I will be ready next Saturday to go again. What a sacred afternoon. What a blessing. I will now have a bi-annual temple maintenance day of my own. :) Gotta love those traditions! :)

Busy, Busy Monday: Just like I like it! :)

I love Mondays. I always have. After the rejuvenation of the Sabbath, I just feel like I can accomplish anything. This weekend was especially wonderful as it was Stake Conference. Loved it! :)

Today was super busy. I think I will be ready for a bath and an early bedtime tonight. I got up early and showered and did dishes. I vacuumed. I watched my friend's newborn while she went to the dentist. I made three loaves of bread. Then, I headed out to Lowe's and Home Depot (my two favorite stores!) and bought stuff to build a trellis for the vine plants of my garden, as well as a new edger. We came home, had a late lunch, played Connect 4. Then, while LD slept, I read my scriptures, mowed the lawn, edged it and trimmed it (with the NEW edger!) and fertilized the yard. Next, I finally put the Christmas boxes in the attic. They are heavy and I was worried that I was going to end up falling with the boxes on top of me, but I made it in one piece! I then reorganized the garage a little and swept it.

See...super duper busy. Life doesn't get any better than this, does it? I love Mondays.

The Perfect Evening

This afternoon/evening has been practically perfect in every way! :) I am one very blessed woman. First, though, a couple pictures from earlier this week. If I don't post them now, I never will.

First, this week we had three days of TAKS testing at our house. For the last few years (ever since the first TAKS test was taken in our family), we have a tradition of going to Sonic after every test. This week, we got to go three times.
Also, this week, C and I finished his Space Derby and he got to race it on Wednesday at Pack Meeting. It was fun. :)

Now for this perfect afternoon/evening: First, I actually have my kids on a Friday night and I LOVE it. I love being laid back with them and just enjoying being together. At this very moment we are outside. It is dark and cool and we will probably all have a few mosquito bites, but we are together. I even have my laptop outside...oh, the blessings of technology!

Right after school, I took the kids to the museum. C loves to build things and concentrates very hard:

LD loved these rotating sand tables. He said that he was going to stay there all day and he practically did!

K and S love the creative crafty area and were there enjoying the relative peace of the museum this afternoon.

As a surprise for K, her best friend (that lives in another city) and her family met us at the museum. I tried to capture the moment that K and E first saw each other, but I missed it. K's face is still elated in this picture, though:

Here they are again. Truly best friends!

C's finished building. He was very careful to make a stage that a wheelchair could go on and included many ramps. He will be an ADA developer when he grows up!

Tonight, we were all out enjoying the perfect weather when K looked up and saw the sun with perfect rays in the afternoon sky. It was gorgeous! :)

We ordered pizza and had it delivered (never happens at our house). It was a very fun moment. Then, we grabbed a blanket and had an impromptu picnic outside in the front yard.

It was so yummy! It was a perfect night. Now, the boys are riding scooters and playing in the front yard, while I have my laptop out front so I can be close to them. It is perfect. Next up: games with K and Jazz game! Go, Jazz!!!!

Week in Review

Oh my! I really want to post more frequently. Where does the time go? Here are some events from last week.
Wednesday, I was working on my arbor and I turn around to see this: YIKES! That looks dangerous! And here is the arbor with just the grapevines over the top. I still need to design and build the back of the arbor so that the vines can grow up it easier. Some were just so long that I could already put them up to the top! :)

Then, Friday was the Fun Run (almost a mile of running) at the school. LD and I got to go three times. It was really fun and the perfect weather. :)

Here is C: ready to go!

C got 5th place in the boys and 6th overall! I was so proud of him! He was disappointed, though, as he really wanted to place (1st-3rd).

Next was K's run. I can't believe she is a 5th grader and this is the last one she will do in Elementary school. Here she is smiling and running:

K and S: almost sisters!

K and two of her friends: K, S, and D.

LD and our neighbor, I. They are so cute together. :)

Finally, Saturday found me in my favorite place:

I should've taken a picture from the other side. It was so cloudy and wet, but just as we drove around, the sun came out, bathing the top of the temple. It was gorgeous and more than a little symbolic to me. :)

This week promises to also be crazy, but not quite so much (fingers crossed on that one!). :) How I love my life! I am one of the lucky ones.

My Arbor

I have been working on building myself an arbor for my grapevine. Some wonderful friends came and helped me get it up today. There was no way I could lift it alone!

First: I made a ton of jelly and it was also bread day. Part way through the day, I walked into the kitchen and saw this picture. I loved the way it was absolutely unintentionally arranged, including the bread's reflection in the mixing bowl.

And, would it be my post without a picture of my favorite place? I have started taking one from my car every week when I drive in. It is amazing to see how much the trees change from one week to the next. I am so blessed to have a temple only about an hour away! :) Now, here is the reason for my project (besides I love building and I love projects):

The poor grapevine used to do just fine on our fence. It now is too big and starting to pull at the fence. This picture was last week and it is even more full of leaves and little baby grapes since then. It needed a new home. So, I decided to build.

The wood was too long to even fit in my van. But I did it with twine closing the door and a cute little red flag tacked into the end of the wood!

Ready to begin:

Frame ready: The top done (I had fun with the nail gun!):

Tonight with friends helping with getting the posts in and the arbor up.

It is in! :)

I still have to finish deciding how to do the back and then get the grapevine over. The pictures aren't at the best angle. I don't know if you can see just how darn cool this thing is! I love it! :)

New Calling

Today I was sustained and set apart in a brand new calling: 1 st Counselor in the Primary Presidency. It has been 8 years since I have done anything in Primary and 9 since I have been in the Presidency. I am really starting fresh...knowing nothing about what I am doing!

It is time, though. It feels right. I am simultaneously overwhelmed and excited. I am grateful for the extra time to spend with my kids. It will be many hours, but I think I am at a point where I can put in those hours. I feel humbled that Heavenly Father is entrusting me with His little ones. I am excited to work with the other presidency members, whom I admire so much. It is with more than a little sadness that I leave the Relief Society secretary position, however. I love the sisters. I have now spent years in one capacity or another worried, praying, and loving the sisters with all my heart. While I will always love them, there is a difference. I won't be around as much. Neither am I any longer set apart to watchcare over them. I will also miss my dear sisters that I have worked with in the Relief Society Presidency. Change always brings growth , though, and I know I will be stretched a lot in this new calling.

Now, I have started a roaring fire in the fireplace and we are preparing to do our second week of "Popcorn Prophets." How blessed I am. :)

Another LD-ism

LD just cracks me up sometimes. Here is the latest.

Pretend my last name is Jones (it is not). In our church, out of respect, we call each other Sister Brown, Brother Smith, etc, using "Brother" or "Sister" in front of our last names. This morning, we were talking about another Sister in our ward. I asked LD, "So, you like Sister S, right?" LD said "yes." Then I asked him about myself, "And what about Sister Jones?" He said, "You are not Sister Jones, you are Mommy Jones!" I told him that I was Mami, but also Sister Jones. He said, "No, K is SISTER Jones, you are Mommy Jones!" It was so funny. In his mind, K is his sister and her last names is Jones = K is "Sister Jones." No amount of discussion dissuades him from this thought! :)

"Popcorn Prophets"

The kids and I have re-watched sessions of conference many times. This conference, we talked about how we needed to re-watch the talks throughout the six months between Conferences. We are going to every Sunday and do it together with a big bowl of popcorn. I named it "Popcorn Prophets" and I hope the tradition sticks.Tonight, we watched a talk by President Uchtdorf that he actually gave to the Young Women. I had heard that this talk was amazing and I had actually watched it earlier alone before my kids got home. It WAS amazing so we watched it together again. His message was so true and so powerful to old and young, female and male, member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or member of another faith. The Spirit was strong, the message true, and the week started out right! :)

"Mocos"

I still have a lot of pictures and many events to post about....dang it! I am about two weeks behind now!



But....I had to document this about LD:

Earlier this week, I cut LD's hair. In order to distract him a little so that he would sort of stay still, I started asking him about his senses. Here is our conversation:

Me: "What do your ears do?"
LD: "Hearing."
Me: "What do your eyes do?"
LD: " You see with them."
Me: "What does your mouth do?"
LD: "Talk" (A side note...if you know LD at all, this is ALL he does)
Me: "Anything else?"
LD: "Eat"
(now here comes the funny one...)
Me: "What does your nose do?"
LD: "It is for mocos (Spanish for boogers or snot)."
Me: "What else do you use your nose for?
LD: "It is just for mocos."

Gotta love the mind of a three-year-old! (He did eventually admit you can smell with your nose too.)

Oh...and the next day, we were discussing this at the dinner table and K asks LD (We didn't get to 'feel'-I was laughing too hard about the mocos the night before) what hands are for. He replies very matter-of-factly, "To pick up your toys with!"

Haircut

I have a million, no, perhaps a zillion, things to post about. My life has been so full. But, I did want to post this haircut picture. It just doesn't even do the style justice. I LOVE it. It is perfect for the coming-oh-so-fast summer. I just had to share since I am so excited about it!

12.5 Hours

In only just over 12 hours, I will have my children gathered around me, the notebooks ready, and our hearts and ears tuned in to listening to the apostles and prophets speak. I literally can't wait! I have always loved conference and now seeing my children's love for it, it makes my heart about want to burst. We are so dang lucky! We have the opportunity to have the words of the prophets come straight into our living room! :)