12 years, 7 months, 7 days

If there was a gravestone on our marriage, it would read:
May 24, 1997-December 31, 2009.

For so long, I thought it was May 24, 1997-Forever. I even have books and pictures that say this. Nope. It is over. And, we were married 12 years, 7 months, and 7 days.

I do have to say that the first 11 years were incredible. We had a great marriage and I treasure those memories. The last year and a half have been tough due to the many surprising decisions of XDH (Yep. Now that the divorce is final, his name has changed to XDH). Ironically, it was also just after Christmas almost exactly 13 years ago (January 3, 1997) that XDH proposed to me. He asked me to marry him in front of the Mt. Timpanogas temple, which is where we were married/sealed a few months later. Oh, the ironies of life!

I am ready. I am ready now to start a new life. The peace and calm that I feel demonstrates yet again to me how much my Heavenly Father knows me and just how much He is aware of me. How lucky I am!

D Day: The good, the bad, and the ugly

D day: Dooms Day, AKA Divorce Day

In less than 24 hours, I will be a divorced woman. Tomorrow is the day that DH is going to court.

The good: This last year has not been fun. It is kind of cool that the divorce will be final on the last day of 2009, allowing a completely brand new life for 2010.

The bad: DH told me what day he was going to court...even though I didn't want to know.

The ugly: OK, maybe not ugly, but I am somewhat frustrated....he asked ME to babysit the kids while he goes to court. How does that work? Asking your wife to watch the kids so you can go to court to finalize the divorce? So, he will drop them off tomorrow and we will be married. He will pick them up a few hours later and we will be divorced. C-R-A-Z-Y!

I know everyone wonders how I am doing. I am okay. I swing from deep sorrow that this divorce that was not in my life plan will be final so soon to relief that it is finally over. I can move on. I can close the door to 2009 and begin anew in 2010. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Love you all! Happy New Year! :)

One of the best Christmases ever!

I come home tomorrow. So sad to leave. I just have to say that what potentially could have been the very worst Christmas of my life was not. It was one of the very best. I'll post about it later (hopefully!).

I just love all my family and friends.

I am one of the lucky ones!

To Be Like Him

Merry Christmas to all!

My dad combined verses from 1st Corinthians 13 and Moroni 7. It really impacted me that these are the characteristics that I really need to focus on. Some, I am doing well on and others I have to work on. All, of course, I can improve on.

So, as I ponder even more my Savior this time of year, who He is, and how I can be like Him, I am looking at who I am and who I want to be.

Am I full of Charity? Do I...

• Suffer long?


• Am kind?


• Envy not?


• Am not puffed up?


• Seek not my own?


• Am not easily provoked?


• Think no evil?


• Rejoice not in iniquity, but rejoice in truth?


• Bear all things?


• Believe all things?


• Hope all things?


• Endure all things?

Great things to think about this time of year. I want so much to be like Him. Long way to go, but at least I have guidance (it is a list! What can be better?).

Colorado

We made it! We are here right now in Colorado. Much to the HUGE disappointment of my kids, there isn't much snow...just a little here and there in the shady places. Many prayers are being said for the snow. We will see what happens.

It was so amazing that we were even able to get here with the week we had the last 7 days. It is crazy to go through crowded airports with three kids by yourself. Really crazy! We didn't all get to sit together on the plane, but it turned out okay. The airline helped us many times. But, I am still scared about Monday....when we fly to visit DH's family in Utah. More crowds, more people, more stress. I think we are going to show up to the airport three hours early just so we can make it in time with all the kids and backpacks and carry-ons and security. It is crazy.

If I don't get back to y'all later...Merry Christmas. Don't forget the reason we celebrate. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves us. This I know.

Just when you think it can't get worse.....

......It does.

After all the health issues of this week, the drama with DH, and other dramas, this morning I was simultaneously sooooo ready to take the sacrament and so not wanting to even put forth the energy of going to church.

With much effort, I get the kids ready after DH drops them off (This is one thing I have to say about him.....he is flexible in letting them attend church 99% of the time. Kudos, DH!). We all get in the car and....it won't start. -sigh- It finally does and off to church we go....then K (who had been complaining of a stomach ache all morning) now says she thinks she is going to throw up. Oh, joy.

We get to church 13 minutes late. I park far away and reverse into my parking spot to make it easier if I need a jump after church and head in...barely making it for the sacrament in the foyer. Not exactly the quiet moments of reflection and peace I had envisioned.

What more could possibly go wrong?

Yet, what more could possibly be right?

In the midst of it all, Sacrament Meeting was amazing and the Spirit was so strong. I knew I was in the right place. Then, after dropping of the kids at DH's after church, I came home and watched a CES fireside from Elder Scott, given in 1999 (love the DVR!). It was just EXACTLY what I needed. Questions I'd had about my situation, DH, and where to go from here were all answered in the Lord's own way. Maybe I needed to feel so broken so I could be put together with the Lord's loving hands.

Thank-you for your thoughts and prayers. Keep them up. The rest of 2009 promises to still be difficult, but, for now...I am doing really well and, compared to yesterday, it feels sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good! :)

Addendum: I just had to document that we feel so loved tonight. Life was already 1,000,000% better than yesterday and to make it even better, we had an outpouring of love. We had carolers, doorbell ditchers, Relief Society presidency, and our dear Bishop and his wife all drop in on us just tonight. The Lord has taken care of us. He has shown his love through others and I am truly grateful. My support system has been immense and, I must admit, that while there are definitely times I feel so alone and abandoned, there are many more times that I feel so loved. Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you.

Yuck...it has happened.

It has happened....I, today, am the bitter and angry woman I have fought and fought and worked and worked for the last year and a half NOT to be. There is no use fighting it now. Yuck.

DH has been meaner to me in this last week than he has been in months (probably since July). I understand he doesn't want to be married to me....I am holding up my end and doing my part for the divorce, even though it is not what I want. Why does he have to be mean, malicious, and hurtful?????? Does he think it will be easier for me to be divorced if I hate my ex-husband?

All I know is I cannot do this any more. I feel so alone. It is Christmas and my friends need to be with their own families, not with a bitter, angry, soon-t0-be divorcee. I will never understand why my DH would want to do this. Never. I just feel so rejected, isolated, and completely alone.

The bitterness is here. I give in, surrender, and wave the white flag. Can't fight it any more.

They are gone...

DH just picked up the kids to take them for Thanksgiving.

Yuck. This is so hard. K was sobbing when we had to say goodbye. We have never been apart this long in her whole life.

I still don't understand how DH could do this to me, let alone his own children. So many consequences. Every new one so difficult.

I am sure that next year's holidays will be a little easier. But, for now, this is really, really hard. I still want to be with him myself. Then, I also want our family to be together, especially for the holidays.

So...on that lovely note...HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am sitting here after cooking all day with the combined smells of pie, sweet potatoes, stuffing, and turkey. -sigh- It smells heavenly. We are having "Thanksgiving" today so that we can have one together before the kids go out of town with DH. It has been a wonderful day. It feels like a holiday.

I bought a bunch of wood as part of my preparedness kick and we moved it all to the back this morning. Then, we have been cooking, cooking, cooking. :) The kids are happy, I am happy. It has been great. My sis and her family are on their way down and it will truly feel like Thanksgiving to be surrounded by family.

BTW: Thanks for all the offers I have received for somewhere for me to be on Thursday so I am not alone. I truly appreciate them.

LD and a firetruck

We have had many experiences with firetrucks and firemen, luckily never in an emergency. LD loves it every time. This time it was at our local library storytime. LD and I have been going regularly every week. Earlier this year, he did not like storytime and was nervous with the crowds. I guess he's overcome it....the firetruck storytime was very, very full and he was okay.

At this time of year of being thankful, I truly am thankful for our firefighters and policemen/women and others that serve me to keep my family and I safe. Thank-you!

So much for one a day! Catch-up Continued

Okay..Okay...So, I had a list of 10 upcoming posts. It has been an extremely busy week and I haven't posted all week. So, we are only up to 5 and 6. -sigh- I'm working on it, I promise.

We went a second time to the Pumpkin Patch so the big kids could go. It was even muddier than the first time! This is the mud that got on the socks in the "mud-free" area around the bounce houses (I actually just threw the socks away and had the kids go sock-less after this):

Aren't these great pictures of S?:

DH called at the last minute to ask if I could bring the kids some costumes. I was still working on the Harry Potter ones, so I brought the ones they ORIGINALLY were going to be. I then stopped and did K's hair outside of DH's apartment. Sure turned out cute and I am glad that they each got to be two things this year for Halloween.

After we all got back from Trick-or-Treating, I made a fire in the fireplace. Once our friends left, we all got blankets and pillows and had a huge family slumber party in the living room. I am too old to sleep on the floor, I guess, and when I got up to go to bed, this is what I found:

So, there you have it: Halloween 2009!

It was me

I just have to interject this post in the middle of all my catch-up posts.

As many of you know, last week we had Stake Conference. I went to the evening adult session on Saturday night. The second half really threw me for a loop....among the lowest of lows loop, including extreme discouragement, frustration, depression, and a feeling that I could not go on. Thank goodness I have loving friends and leaders that guided me quickly out of this loop and I have had a great week.

But, last night I reread my notes from the first half of that Saturday night session. This is some of what was said:

• "If faith, fasting, and priesthood blessing doesn't heal you, Atonement will."
• "When you are doing the Lord's work, your children are in His hands and His hands are always better than your hands."
• "All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."

So, it was me. I had all the answers even before the pain started. It was me that turned away and allowed myself to feel that extreme anguish. He had already given me the answers. It was me.

Gymnastics - October 26, 2009

Every year our local high school holds a 7-8 week gymnastics class. The classes actually do age-appropriate things on the real gymnastics equipment. K LOVES it! Every year she can't wait to do it. Since it is on Monday nights when DH has them, he has been taking K. I got to be there a couple of times, however. The parents sit relatively far away from the kids (except picture day...which hasn't happened yet and DH will probably be the one that is there), so this picture is blurry and grainy.

Notice the costume....it was costume night at gymnastics and K won one of the prizes in the contest! She was sooooooooooooooo excited.

This is another sort of random picture. Here is LD with two of his friends that were playing at our house. They are all three and they love to play together! They will grow up so fast. I have similar pictures with K and C at this age. -sigh-

.

PS....I am doing it! One post a day and I am slowly but surely catching up! :)

Sailing - October 24, 2009

I have this amazing friend, G, who is helping me with my big Christmas project. She and her husband also own a sailboat. They offered to take me sailing one Saturday. I absolutely LOVED it! I jokingly told G that now I have another thing to put on my list....if I ever do get remarried, he has to know how to sail! It was such a great experience.

One thing that really struck me was how scared I would have been if I did not trust these two people that were sailing the boat. It was very windy and many times the boat tilted way over to one direction or another. It was all part of sailing, but without that trust I would've been terrified. I guess that is a type of the trust that we need in our Savior. We don't have to be terrified of this life. He is the sailor and He knows what He is doing.

This is just a random picture LD took of me a day or two later. When he saw me going through pictures he wanted me to post it, too....wet hair, make-up-less and all!

National Anthem at Minor League Hockey Game - Oct. 24, 2009

K and her select school choir were given the opportunity to sing the National Anthem at a local minor league hockey game. It was even the team's banner ceremony where they were celebrating all the accomplishments of the last year. I guess the team was pretty good.

K was so excited. Here they are on the ice waiting for the time to sing.

Unfortunately, the sound guy messed up or something. They didn't play the choir's music for the National Anthem. The choir didn't get to sing and the show went right on. Those poor kids and teacher. They all got out on the ice, didn't sing, then all walked back off the ice. They were so disappointed. While the team was unable/unwilling to do anything about the situation that night, they did promise to invite the choir back later in the year and, since we all had to buy tickets (even the choir members), that they would give us all free tickets for the second game.

Pinewood Derby - October 23, 2009

C participated in his first ever pinewood derby last month. We are so blessed that he got to participate in it. First, we have great home teachers who, for weeks had C over to work on his car with them. He loved it. I loved that he was rubbing shoulders with great Priesthood holders. I am so grateful. Second, the derby itself was during DH's time with the kids. He was generous enough to let C go. What a blessing.

Now, for the race itself. C's car won the first three-four races easily. It looked great. His face was pure joy, especially when he won that very first race. Then he lost one. This put him in the playoff race for third place. He lost that one, too, ending up 4th. He was devastated. Oh well. It was still worth it. He really had so much fun. But, it doesn't matter how often you tell an 8-year-old that "winning isn't everything," they still wish that they had won.

The sad thing was that my camera quickly ran out of batteries. I thought it was charged enough. Nope. I was wrong. I took more pictures with my phone...but, in the interest of actually getting these posts caught up a little....I didn't take the time to download them off the phone yet.

Backlog of Posts...Pumpkin Patch - October 16, 2009

Oh my. Oh my. We have been so busy over the last few weeks and this time I actually have made myself a list of posts that still need to be posted. I really want to keep this record...so, be looking for these posts soon (hopefully) to come:

1. Pinewood Derby
2. Hockey Game
3. Sailing
4. Gymnastics
5. Pumpkin Patch #2
6. Halloween
7. Firetruck
8. Haircut
9. Camping
10. Field Trip

I really am striving to keep them in chronological order.

OK. I don't know why the words above all of a sudden went blue and underlined. I am just happy to actually post again...so please forgive it!

And, as long as I am spouting out about nothing, I am sitting here basking in the smell of homemade bread. I have had the feeling for about a year that I need to be baking my own bread for my family. I am finally acting on it and Mondays are always bread day. We've tried all kinds...today is Oatmeal Honey. It is yummy! Luckily my kids are on board and don't mind taking the bread in their lunches!

Now, this post is almost a MONTH overdue. Yikes. I went with two of my dearest friends and their sons to a local pumpkin patch. LD loved it. One of the only bad parts was the mud....I tried to take a picture of it, but you really can't tell. With all the rain, it was sooooo muddy and your feet just sank in. It was very, very muddy and gooey.

This picture (above) is of me and my close friends taken by LD. He really wanted to take a picture of us. I am glad. I don't have many pictures with my friends!

LD loved this maze. He went through it probably 30-35 times. Below is him running around to go at it yet another time. (Note the mud on the jeans and that you cannot even see his shoe really...it is so sunk in the mud!)

What a great day! :)

"He's a Bad Guy...."

Out of the mouths and minds of 3-year-olds:

DH took all the kids to the NBA game that I got him tickets for last night. Late night, but they had fun. This is what happened this morning:

LD was playing with his fan from last night. He says, "Mami, this guy is a bad guy." I look at it and it is a player from the other team. I said, "He helped beat the Jazz, right? That is why he is a bad guy." LD looks up at me and says, "No, he is a bad guy because he steals stuff. I saw him steal from the Jazz. Stealing is bad. He is a bad guy."

Too cute. :)

Aren't you jealous?

Okay, okay, okay....I know none of you would ever want to be in my situation. You all know I wouldn't even be here if it was my choice.

BUT...
I am sitting here re-listening/re-watching General Conference while sewing my children's costumes (they changed their minds on THURSDAY about what they wanted to be). And, guess what??? No one is climbing up me. No one is needing me. No one is bothering me.

On breaks from the sewing, I am reorganizing and cleaning out K's room. I don't know how it can get so disorganized so fast, but she manages it. And, guess what??? No one is telling me I can't throw such-and-such away. No one is complaining of being hungry. No one is fighting with each other. I have my music and I am cleaning away.

My morning was busy and my afternoon all booked up, but where I was going to be got canceled. So, with two extra free hours I am going to get my eyebrows waxed and shop for some stuff to finish organizing K's room. And, guess what again??? No one is complaining about going to the store. No one is taking 20 minutes to put on a pair of shoes. No one is protesting going down for a nap.

There are moments that all this silence is refreshing and so, aren't you just a teeny weeny bit jealous???

Hope it is a great Halloween!!

Happy Birthday, DH!

Happy Birthday to DH! This would've been our 15th one celebrated together. I hope he had a good day. I had the kids call and wish him a happy birthday at the crack of dawn. This afternoon we made him a cake (which the kids decorated themselves!) and wrapped his presents. We also decorated the yard with balloons so that when he came to pick them up, he would feel loved. They are out to eat with him right now. I hope they are having a great time.

I miss him. Today has been tough. Amongst all the other presents we gave him (including Jazz tickets), I gave him what he told me he wanted most for his birthday: I signed our divorce decree. Happy Birthday, my dear DH. Still love you.

C's School Play-October 15, 2009

Okay, okay, okay, I know this is over a week late...I have a lot of catch up posts to do. I have been swamping myself with my project and other things just don't get done. And, just because I know there are those out there that are wondering....I am doing really well. I have been doing well clear since last Monday. I am blessed right now with such great peace. Last night, right before I fell asleep, I had a huge smile on my face and remember thinking, "I am so happy. I am truly happy." With all I have been through, it is nice to feel that pure happiness. Thank you for your prayers.


C's school musical, "Mighty Minds," was such a fun play. It was the entire 3rd grade. The music was fun and catchy. C had a pretty big and complicated line. The sad thing was that he was supposed to do his line in the middle of a song. Due to technical difficulties, however, the music went out, and his line was skipped. The disappointment on his face was classic. Luckily, his music teacher is incredible and she had the three kids with skipped lines come say theirs before the musical went on.

My sister and her hubby are so amazing to me. They were definitely supposed to move here to be close to me during this time. His play was during the time when I was really struggling and seeing DH there seemed like an overwhelming thought. I called S and P and they dropped everything and came to C's play...to support C and to support me. Thank-you! Here are the two 3-year-old cousins at McDonald's after. Too cute.

Ice Skating! Happy Birthday, K!

K's birthday was in June. It was a very hectic time for us. She has three best friends and they were all out of town at different times in the summer. We could never even get two of them home at the same time! What she really wanted to do was go ice skating with her best friends. With her being at her dad's house most weekends, now that school was in, her friends were back but the available times to skate were gone.

Finally, we had a Monday off from school (Columbus Day) and she was at my house, not DH's. It was perfect. One of her friends is in a different district and they did have school. We decided, though, it is now or never....3 1/2 months AFTER your birthday is late enough!

A great friend took the two boys and the girls and I headed across town (almost an hour) to a beautiful mall with a beautiful rink. They had a blast. It was so fun!

A few very tired and sore legs and happy smiles later! :)

Reason # 387 NOT to own a dog

This morning, I awakened to a very lovely smell and sight. Not to be too gross...no details...just a lot of dog poop and vomit filled my entire kitchen. Yuck. I even found more in the garage this morning. Double Yuck. Maybe her love of drinking dirty rain water has finally taken its toll! I don't know.

Well, as I'm compulsively cleaning the mess....four or five times....and Lysoling and Clorox Wiping over and over, LD walks in and says very indignantly, "God gave us a kitchen and Jazz pooped all over it!" It was a moment I had to document so I took a cleaning break to do it.

By the way, we ate breakfast in the living room this morning. Kids thought that was great! :)

Another Sad One

Okay...another depressing post. Stop reading NOW if you don't want to hear it.


Okay...still reading....So, will there ever be a point I stop crying? What in the world could DH want that I didn't give him? How could he do this to his children? What is the point? What could be better than the love of your family and the security of a home together? I don't understand. It seems pointless to go on with life when the one that is supposed to protect you betrays you and the one you love most in the whole world decided he doesn't love you and doesn't want you. What could I have given him more?

Sorry. It just feels better to vent.

Old and New

Wow! It has been a very crazy/fun week and I don't even know where to begin with posting! Ice skating on Monday? C's play on Thursday? Pumpkin Patch on Friday? I plan to post pictures of all of it.

Today, however, I am posting about my comforter set. My old one I have had for only three years, I think. But, this means it was DH's and I's set. I decided I was ready to change the bedroom a little and purchased this new set. I am very pleased with it. I am not a curtain person in general. I like the simple of lines of the big slat blinds. But, I think I am even going to add curtains to my room as well.

Here are the before and after. Notice the "I love you" stuffed animal in the before. DH gave that to me a few years ago for Valentine's Day. It was also time for that to go. Hope someone at Goodwill can use a cute gorilla! :)

BEFORE:
AFTER:

Actually, the pictures don't do either one justice. They both looked better in person...but you get the idea, I guess.

Hard Times and a BIG project!

Life has been really hard. Those of you who know me know I keep a pretty cheerful attitude and I've even with a lot of help from the Lord fought off the anger and bitterness many times. Yet, for the last week or so, the anger seems here to stay. It will go away I know this. In the mean time, in my attempt to hurry along the process, I have printed dozens and dozens of pages from past General Conferences with topics of "Anger," "Forgiveness," "Divorce" and so forth. I have been praying, fasting, and reading my scriptures....yet the anger remains. The betrayal is very real and the hurt I feel for the children is even more real. My own hurt I can go around, but the change in lifestyle and the pain of my children is harder to deal with than I ever imagined. I know it will be okay. I know there are many more days of sunshine and happiness ahead. Just pray for me for now.

So, last night, I came up with a vision for a huge project. It will be for Christmas so I can't describe it, but it is HUGE and will take hours and hours and hours a day, but I am actually excited about it. And, these days, when it seems like a better plan to just sleep all day (I haven't yet) and turn off the world, having a project to dive into is probably just what the doctor ordered. I can't wait to tell y'all my plan and (fingers crossed) be able to show you the final products!

Darn Cycles and My Own Challenge

First....why do I have to go through the cycles? I am so down and depressed today. I wonder why he would ever leave me. What did I do wrong? Why would he not want to be in this home we created together with the kids we created together? Why? Why? Why? What more is there out in the big bad world that he would want? I just miss him so much. I am happy to report, however, that while these icky cycles used to happen every few days, this time it was more than a month between my last "down" and this one that kind of started a few days ago.

Second, I have given myself a challenge and I already want to break it. Maybe if I post about it I will hold fast. I usually grocery shop once a week. I did late last week. After I got home, I decided to not shop again for nearly three weeks. I did not shop for three weeks, I had only shopped for one. But, in a small way, it is to see just how prepared I am. Now, I am kicking myself for not buying more fresh fruits and veggies and more dairy products. I only bought enough to last the week, not three! I guess it will be more of a fair experiment this way. If we run out of milk, I guess we'll try that powdered stuff. If we run out of eggs... powdered stuff again. If we run out of bread, guess I'll be baking some. We'll just see how it goes. So....17 more days until I can shop again. Wish us luck!

Random Firsts

This post is quite random. I have had a great couple of days with some "firsts" in my life.

I started my first attempt at sewing anything almost two years ago. Then I got called into the Relief Society Presidency and then a month after that my life turned upside down. I had barely begun this butterfly quilt when all this happened. Now, almost two years later, I pulled it out again, took it to a good friend's house that is an amazing quilter, and then came home home and finished piecing the wings. I can't wait to keep going on it! Here are the wings:

Another first: I bought myself an early Christmas present: a Kitchenaid mixer. I have always wanted one and lately I have felt that I need to be frequently making bread for my family. A good deal came up and so I went for it. Here it is in all its beautifulness. It just doesn't fit on my counter under the cabinets...it is too tall! I haven't used it yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Finally, we have lived in our home for 6.5 years and NEVER burned a fire in our fireplace. Mostly it was so new and white and perfect and we didn't want to soot it up. Well, it looks like I will be here for a while. And, since I have the kids this weekend, the plan was to go camping. But, the rains fell and the temperature soon followed. So, I took the plunge and we had a fire tonight.Look carefully....you can see the marshmallow sticks!
Life is good. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I am one of the lucky ones! :)