I am woman...hear me roar! (AND recap and Spring Break Day 1)

It has been a great day! :) It has been a very fun and productive few days. I am finding such joy in building and creating. Today, I was out with my power drill, wood, staple gun, and weed cloth making garden boxes. In the middle of doing this, I would run in and work on my homemade bread, then run back out to work some more. I find such joy in doing these things. I guess it is like President Uchtdorf said when he talked about creating. My next project is to build a workbench for my garage so I can buy and utilize more power tools. After that, I will build a shed in the backyard. I have ALWAYS wanted to build and construct. I am loving following my dream this way. I would love to build a house, actually, but....that will be a dream for another day (or decade!)

I spent most of Saturday doing the same types of things: cleaning, building, buying paint, but also playing the piano, reading my scriptures, and attending the temple. I love who I am. I truly am loving the life I live and living the life I love. The void is still very much there, but I once again had some clear answers in the temple....how I love the scriptures and the House of the Lord. So, void or not, I am moving forward and working on loving life to the fullest. I am one of the lucky ones, you know!

I am also LOVING having the kids home for Spring Break. Today was the first day of Spring Break Budget....year #4. We started with $50. We went to the movies and saw Planet 51 (great movie, by the way), spending $13.50 on tickets, popcorn, and a drink, leaving us with $36.50 for the remainder of the week.

So...a bunch of pictures to recap some of the busy week last week, my eventful day on Saturday, and some of the fun things from today (note...I did pictures a little differently since there are so many and now I can't make it work. I'm stopping trying. So, no commentary, I guess. A picture is worth a thousand words anyhow, right? Any questions about what in the world the out-of-order, semi-random pictures are? Just ask. Blogger and I just aren't friends tonight!):

K at her last gymnastics class. She loves it and had a great time!-

Yummy. Yummy. Yummy. God's gift to us is definitely refried black beans, plantains, and a little dollop of sour cream.

Shutting Down

I feel that no matter how hard I try, I cannot cope. I am doing everything in my power to feel hope, joy, patience, and faith. I don't know what it is I am doing wrong or how I am not accepting the Lord's help, but I just feel like shutting down. The only thing that has brought me a sense of direction and comfort have been the Lord's little daily answers that help me know that He is there. And, this morning I read in 2nd Nephi about opposition. I KNOW that the future joys that I cannot see will be even the more sweet because the pain and sorrow is so great at this moment.

By the Numbers: 11, 4, 372, 2, 1

Since I am such a numbers girl, here is my day so far, by the numbers:

11 pounds I've gained in 3 weeks as I try to fill the void with food. In my head, I know darn well it doesn't work, but I keep trying it anyway!

4 long (2 x 6 x 12) boards of lumber ready for my new garden. The very helpful people at Lowe's cut them into 4' sections for me (so now there are 12).

372 calories burned on the treadmill/elliptical with this morning's workout.

2 cans of sample paint (and stuff to go with it) so I can begin painting my kitchen. If the color works, the kitchen should be done this weekend while the kids are with their dad.

1 happy girl: ready to take on her projects and the world. Sometimes it is hard to be confident in the Lord and his answers, but really I KNOW that He would never lead me astray. I KNOW that He knows what is best for me, today, tomorrow, and forever. I am in His hands and that really is a good place to be. While I wait for greater understanding, I am loving being who I am, working on my projects, and just loving life! :)

Lonely

I don't know how a girl with awesome and incredible children and so many wonderful friends, here in my state, out of state, online, and so forth can feel lonely...but I sure do. I don't know if there is a cure. Just lonely. I feel like inside the loneliness and aloneness is almost more than I can handle. There is a void that cannot be filled by anything or anyone. So, I walk around...looking just like me, talking like me, being like me, but inside being empty and alone.

Basketball is over. Piano is here.

It has been a crazy, crazy Saturday, but fun nonetheless. K was gone all day. Our school district had an optional field trip for 5th grade Gifted and Talented students. They went and spent all day at a college campus about 3.5 hours from our house. The campus had set up all these fun things for them to do. It was very cool. The district paid for the bus and for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, as well as provided chaperones. I felt safe with her going and she is exhausted, but had a great time. I missed her, as I only get her one Saturday a month and this was MY weekend, but she needs opportunities like this and I am glad that she got to go.

We also, among other things, had a primary activity, helped dig/pull out a tree, friends, piano, house cleaning, basketball end of season, etc.

Here is C at the Basketball end of season party. His team had a great year. His coach was awesome.

And... introducing the newest member of our family: Our piano! The coloring fits perfectly with my home. The size is perfect. The sound is great. It is used and has some scratches, but they aren't huge and I have three kids...I don't want a perfect piano, it would just cause me stress. I am excited to have it in our home. Guess we need to learn how to play it, huh?

Quotes of the Day

First, I cannot believe how incredibly exhausted I am...I guess all those kids really wore me out!

Second, I bought a piano today that will be delivered tomorrow. I have felt prompted to buy one for 6-8 months and I finally did it!

Third, here are some cool quotes that I want to document...more for myself than anything...

• "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~Marilyn Monroe (I had a good friend give me a gorgeous framed and matted copy of this for my birthday)

• "Fear not for the future. Weep not for the past." ~Star Wars, the Clone Wars (today's episode that I really tried to watch with my boys...but kept falling asleep.)

• "If you are helpless, he is not. If you are lost, he is not. If you don't know what to do next, he knows. It would take a miracle? Well, if it would take a miracle, why not?" ~Boyd K. Packer (Read this earlier this month and have had two dear friends refer me back to it and remind me of its significance!)

I am truly happy and blessed. The peace that I feel is tangible. I am blessed beyond measure. Each new day is the first day of the rest of my life. I am loving it. :) So much to learn, so much to do, so much to experience, so much personal growth. How the Lord knows me! What a lucky woman I am! :)

Aunt Again! :)

I am so lucky! I get to have a new niece. This is the only one where my sister and I have been close. I got to take all six kids up last night to see their new sister/cousin within hours of her birth! How awesome is that!?! I have never had the opportunity to see my nieces/nephews so soon. What a blessing! She is so cute (of course, she is related to me, right?)!

This morning I am lucky again: I get 9 kids here! It is chaos, for sure, but I absolutely LOVE it! The oldest three are gone to school. That leaves me with ages (in order of seating on the swing): 2,4,3,5,3,5. I knew I should've had more kids. This is the best! :)

Muddy, Bloody, Sweaty, Lucky

I just have to say that I am one of the luckiest girls alive. While life hasn't been easy (by any stretch of the imagination) lately or even over the last few years, I am so lucky/blessed. My two latest traumas have been significant indeed, but they have both ended at a perfect "new beginning" time.

• The divorce was final Dec 31: Perfect. A new year, a new start.
• My latest saga comes at a time when the earth is renewing itself and Spring is in the air: Perfect. A new season, a new start.

See how lucky I am? I have just been out in the beautiful sunshine working away for a couple of hours. I am muddy, bloody (I am not sure where from, but there is blood nonetheless), and sweaty....AND happy! :) What a blessing!

The Best is Yet to Be

"The Best is yet to be. Look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed toward the future.....Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past, but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the 'high priest of good things to come' (Hebrews 9:11)"

~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I did not know I could feel such pain. I had a good friend treat me in a way that was unimaginable and it hurts. Yet, I know with Elder Holland that faith is always pointed to the future. After I cry my eyes out today, I will regroup and move on. Tomorrow is a new day. :)

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And, His hands are always better than my hands and His plans are always better than my plans. I am in His hands and that is great place to be.

Recap

We have had such a busy couple of weeks. Here are some recap pictures before I forget! These are the lovely flowers so many friends brought for me on my birthday. Also, C's cake from the Blue and Gold Banquet on my birthday night. And, I took the kids out to lunch on my birthday and they had the Olive Garden servers sing to me. It was fun.

Still lonely and missing my best friend. I am so blessed, though, that Heavenly Father has taken care of me in a myriad of ways while I am missing the hours spent with my best friend. There are only four times a day (when we always talked before) that are especially hard. But, as always, I am one of the lucky ones. :) I truly feel so loved and taken care of.

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I did get to go workout again finally yesterday. Even though I took it really easy, I started to have the sciatica flare up again. -sigh- I NEED my workout time. Especially right now. Oh well. I went again today and worked out VERY lightly. It was tough, but I had a great friend who kept me on track when I just wanted to run and run and run. :)

Birthday Brunch

I am so lucky. I am so lucky. After all the tears I've cried the last couple of weeks (or even the last couple of years), today my eyes were brimming with tears of gratitude as I looked around the local IHOP that we invaded this morning: 25 people (10 ladies and 15 kids). I am so lucky. Each time someone new arrived, I felt a resurgence of gratitude for the wonderful friends that God has placed in my life. No matter what the other struggles I face are, I, like Joseph Smith, can remember that I am not yet as Job...my friends do stand by me. How much luckier can I get??????

To hat or not to hat...that is the question.

I recently bought myself a fun little hat. Love it. Love it on me...in the mirror. But, this morning I had my kids take birthday picts of me and....I don't know if I like it anymore. So, I pose the question to y'all...to hat or not to hat?

In other news: K has gone all out to create a happy birthday for me. Oh, how I love her! And LD gave me one of the best presents ever this morning. He came in to my room while I was praying and said, "Mom, after you are done talking to Heavenly Father, are you going to read your scriptures? I know you love your scriptures!" The best gift ever is seeing him know that I know that God lives.

Hallelujah

I just feel like exclaiming from the treetops: "Hallelujah!" and "How great the goodness of my God!" I just had such an outpouring of the Spirit as I studied the scriptures tonight. Wow. I was blessed with enlightenment, understanding, and answers. I already knew the Lord knew me. I know it more than ever tonight. How cool is it that the words written in the books of the Lord will always hold the answers if we are in tune with the Spirit? Very cool. I am so blessed.

Gratitude

So...today was the culmination of a week of heartache and stress. I officially lost my dearest and closest friend. During my moments of extreme heartache, one of my best friends (J) gave me an "assignment" to list 10 things I am grateful for. At that exact moment, I felt everything but gratitude, but I listened and I do feel better. I am so lucky. I am so blessed. Who am I to complain? I am one of the lucky ones.

My list:

1. My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ
2. The Restored Gospel, including a living prophet.
3. My children
4. The temple
5. Great friends/angels
6. My education
7. The scriptures
8. My country, state, city, and neighborhood
9. Financial peace
10. Uplifting and inspirational music

See? I am one of the lucky ones! Now I have another "assignment" from J to go finish. She is a wise woman...definitely one of my angels. :)

"The Great Test of Life is Obedience to God."

So...going to church was rough. I so wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I have been there before and somehow came through it, but now I am here again. Food nauseates me. Who cares about the house or anything else? Even my kids....I had to really pull every ounce of strength out to be there for them. I spent the 10 minutes before church started in an empty classroom crying and pleading on my knees in prayer to my Heavenly Father.

I just have a lot going on: sciatica (ouch!), a crazy week from heck, including my birthday that I so don't want to face (what is there to celebrate?), a bad cold/bad allergies, and, most of all, a very broken heart. Church was hard the whole three hours.

Yet, in the middle of Sunday school, there was an answer....it is me. I am not facing my Abrahamic trial with faith. I have promised the Lord to give up what I love for Him. Thought I did that when I gave up my marriage. Guess he needs to prove me some more. But, I have not been willingly giving up what my heart desires for what the Lord is asking of me. Gotta be better. M is better at this than I. I surely can learn from him. Even in the case of Abraham, the Lord had promised him seed as numerous as the stars in the heavens, yet then turned around and asked something completely contradictory in asking Abraham to suffer Isaac. In my small way, the "yes" answers versus the "no" answers are the same. Will I still be willing to sacrifice? Even when it seems contradictory? Do I trust the Lord even when it makes no sense? Abraham also had to show faith by journeying clear to Mount Moriah, and not turning around along the way. Guess it is a journey of faith and trust ahead. So, I have spent the last few hours studying Abraham and Isaac and seeing what I can do to be obedient and faithful like him.

Then, and this is sooooooooooooo cool, definitely a miracle: one of my best friends was speaking in church today in the other ward (congregation) that meets in my building. I have known this for a while, but besides talking to her and praying for her wasn't planning on doing anything about it. In the middle of Relief Society, the Spirit says: "Go listen to J's talk." So, I did. It was EXACTLY, EXACTLY, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. It was on opposition. Now, this is the cool part. The Lord really has to orchestrate things sometimes. It had to be J or I wouldn't have left to listen to a talk in another ward. It had to be this topic since this is what I needed to hear. I definitely feel that the Lord planned it out way in advance to help his poor little daughter that He knew would be struggling. How cool is that?

So, at the end of the day, I am so grateful for a Lord that knows me and loves me, even when I feel that I don't have the faith or the patience that is expected of me. Maybe that is what I have to learn. Still....so grateful.

What do I have to learn?

So...in the midst of the all the answers, there is a lot of confusion. Why would the Lord plan my life so perfectly for me and then take it all away? To clarify a little about the previous posts, there is a "No" answer for M and I. Why? I am hoping it is a "Not now," but maybe this is another Abrahamic trial for both of us: giving up the one we love for the Lord that we love more. I thought we had both been through enough. What do I have to learn? Will there be a ram in the thicket?

All I know is that as I spent a few hours searching on LDS dating sites tonight, right away none of them compare to M (OK there was one with potential...but only one out of dozens). I would be so lucky to end up with M and, as of right now, that does not seem possible. Time will tell. As I said earlier, I trust in the Lord with all my heart. I am so confused right now, but I know as I follow him he will only lead me to where I need to be. So I will be patient and wait for Him. He will direct my paths and I will be okay. :)

Answers

Went to the temple today. What a place of answers! I am so lucky.

Girls' Night Out: 2.19.10

Girls' Night Out at my house tonight:

19 wonderful ladies
0 games
Tons of Yummy Food
Lots of laughter
A few tears
1 still very broken heart

Sometimes it seems that my strict obedience is not worth it. Sometimes it feels like why do everything as close to right as possible when the heartaches still come with such force. Sometimes I wonder if this is my reward for being faithful, why try?

But, I know my Savior lives. I know that He is in control. I know that while I may feel abandoned, I am not. He is there. He knows me. He knows my heartaches and my sorrows. And, he weeps with me for my pain. Just like is recorded in the bible, "Jesus wept." He was there, I am sure knowing full well that he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, yet he wept with those that were grieving. I am sure this is how He is with me. He knows the end from the beginning. He knows I will be okay, yet tonight He weeps with me.

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths."

I am filled with lots of "why" questions this morning and pain beyond imagination. Yet, I know the Lord is in control. I don't understand why he does what he does when he does it, but I know he is in control. I know he will guide my life in the path that it needs to go, even when I cannot see why.

Sciatica = PAIN

I am in so much pain. I did not know I could hurt this much! Yuck. I did go to XDH yesterday to have him work on me. Of course, he told me all these things that I can and can't do. Does he not remember that I am a single parent?? I have to do all those things. I have three kids and a house to take care of. I will be bending, lifting, carrying. There is no one else to do the laundry if I don't. There are three kids that for some odd reason want to eat.

I just know that the pain continues to get worse. XDH did say this is one of the most painful conditions out there and that it takes a long time to recover from. Yuck. Sciatica definitely equals pain! I can barely walk and I am scared to drive. It is my right leg and what if something happens while driving? I cannot believe how much pain I am in. On the bright side, the pain distracts me from the heartache pain. I am super worried. I am supposed to be the chaperone for C's field trip tomorrow and his teacher is 8 months pregnant and is really counting on me. What if I can't walk tomorrow again? -sigh- Pray for me!

Heartache

There are times when your heart hurts so much, you swear it will burst within your body. Been there. Done that. Now, it seems that I am destined to be there again, at least for a while. Never in a million years did I imagine how difficult it would be to fall in love again and send M back. It hurts to having him return to being a picture with a voice. I would be one lucky woman to have it all fall into place like we want, but I don't know if my fragile heart can handle the waiting, the unknowns, and the limbo we are in now. -sigh- Perhaps this girl is meant to have heartache.

Time Flies

So....M did make it in. It was a miracle that the two flights that he was on to get here were not canceled. It was a great and wonderful weekend. I was definitely a little nervous waiting for him in the airport, but not a lot. It went away immediately and we were as comfortable together as though we'd known each other forever.

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Because of the weather, the temple was closed. That was supposed to be our first date. Oh well. You know what happens when you make "plans." We spent most of the weekend just talking and cuddling. Every moment, I am so amazed with how perfectly we "fit" each other. Our wants, goals, testimonies, everything just match. I am struggling now more than ever with the distance. 800 miles is like bondage to us right now. Even so, I truly see Heavenly Father's hand in our meeting. I just miss M more than I thought possible. What a crazy story we have! :)

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M takes such good care of me, something that I didn't realize was possible. There has never been a door he did not open or a chair he did not pull out for me. C watches him with such admiration and has learned from him in just the two hours that they were together yesterday. Speaking of, I do have to say that my favorite part of the weekend was watching M interact with my kids. He loves them already. They love him already. They even told me yesterday that they would love it if I married him.

Valentine's Day was one of the best ever....a handsome man next to me at church, a very yummy, fancy, and elegant dinner the night before, a gift certificate for a one-hour hot stone massage and manicure, and dozens of flowers filling my house today. I am one of the lucky ones. That is for sure.

Now, today, I can hardly walk. So glad it didn't happen yesterday when M was still here. I did something to myself when I was shoveling the snow on Thursday and my right foot/leg has been numb ever since...it has actually been getting worse each day and today I woke up unable to walk without extreme pain. I did call XDH and he said that it is probably a pinched sciatic nerve and that I definitely shouldn't workout. -sigh- I love working out.

25 hours or....not.

In 25 hours, I should be picking M up at the airport. I can't wait. It is crazy, but without even meeting, I truly am in love with him. I can't wait to officially meet this man of my dreams. Our story is truly like a fairy tale in many ways.

BUT...we are getting what they say now will be 10 inches of snow. It already looks like about 10 at my house. Don't get me wrong. I am a Colorado girl....snow is my friend. BUT NOT TODAY! I love snow days: hanging out with the kids, making snowmen, drinking hot chocolate, having a fire in the fireplace, baking bread or cookies, playing games, and watching movies. Love it, BUT NOT TODAY!

I have lived in Texas for 8 1/2 years. I have NEVER seen snow like this. It is beautiful, clean, white, serene, and peaceful. Normally, I would love it.....BUT NOT TODAY!

Just had to vent. There is a good chance that M's flight will be canceled tomorrow. If so, I just have to remember that I have been waiting my whole life for him, what is a day or two more?

This Was Not In My Plans

Famous last words.

Actually, I have said those words over and over throughout the last three weeks. I just have to say that I feel so blessed. Within days of the divorce being final, a friend introduced me to "the perfect guy for me" in Georgia. Whatever. I would talk to him a little, I guess.

Little did I know what was coming. I planned to date a lot for at least 2-3 years. Could I ever really trust a man again? Would anyone that fits my high bar and share my same goals really be single? Not a chance. I was destined to be single forever, at least for a long time.

Again, famous last words. I do not know what the future holds for us, but I do know that for now I do not want to let this guy go. Honestly, if I had faxed up to Heavenly Father a list of qualities I wanted in a man, He doubled it when he sent M to me. I just feel so blessed and so taken care of by a loving Heavenly Father. No matter what else happens, I now know that good guys do still exist, that my standards aren't too high, and that Heavenly Father knows me. The rest of the future is all on faith.

It is a little difficult for me to let go of my "plans." It is difficult to think about how "fast" we have connected or the fact that we have a many-state distance barrier and kids in both places, but the future will tell how it all works out. What is crazy is that while we talk 2-4 hours a day on the phone, we haven't even met in person. 16 days for that! :) I can't wait.

I am so blessed and lucky and it was time to share....everyone has been with me for those tears full of heartache. Life is never perfect, but I am happy now by myself and also including M in a way that I never thought possible. :)

PS...if you are not a Facebooker, you don't know this yet: I really want that phrase on my tombstone when I die ('This was not in my plans')...it is so me (the planner) and it also just cracks me up to think of people walking by my grave and reading, "This was not in my plans." I am serious...if you are around when I die that is what I want on my tombstone! :)

I am alive.

To all my dear blogger friends that worry about me when my blog is silent: I am just fine. Silence on my blog did used to mean that life was a little too difficult to handle. Now it means that I am just distracted and busy. I am alive. I am happy. I still feel that same peace that I have felt ever since the divorce was final, only now it is compounded with a feeling of deep gratitude that the Lord knows who I am and what I need/deserve in life.

I do need to post pictures....I just have been too busy for that. This week, however, I am lucky enough to have my two nieces (5 & 2) and my nephew (almost 4) here with us. I always wanted to have a minimum of six kids. This week will be fun and an adventure and I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited about it! :) We have had a good day and I expect the rest of the week to follow.

Note to Self

I actually left myself this message when I was driving in the car. It is so true and so wonderful. Those that aren't near me to see this change, I am truly a different person. A burden, years in the making, has been lifted and I am full of light and joy and happiness. It is almost uncontainable! For my friends that read both my facebook and my blog, it is on both. But it was so wonderful that I had to share!

I am so happy! :) I have never been more happy. I have never been more confident. I have never been more sure of who I am. I have never been more sure of what I want in life.

As one of the unexpected blessings of this huge trial is that I KNOW that the Lord will watch over me and take care of me, no matter what happens, no matter what! I am truly in His hands and that is a great place to be. With Him near, there are no unknowns that aren't conquerable, there is nothing ahead that cannot be faced with faith.

I have never been happier. I am surprised, but bring on the sun, baby! :)

Holland

Almost a year ago, I published this post and poem. I have arrived. I am in Holland and my heart is about to burst with joy and peace. Holland was not my goal, Italy was. But, here I am and, you know what? Holland is beautiful.

I have so much gratitude for all the blessings and miracles in my life. I am especially grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I guess there is nothing like the mountain of a trial to bring one to where they need to be. I have changed and grown so much in the last two years. Many times, I have told Heavenly Father that I just can't do this, but, like always, He knows better than me. With His help, I did do it. And, I am so happy.

I love the gospel with all my heart. I love the personal revelations that we receive if we are willing to listen. I have had some troubling questions on my mind lately. For one of them, I stayed for hours in the temple yesterday praying, pondering, and struggling to receive an answer. And it came. I had another question today.....the answer was right there in the scriptures we read in Relief Society. Right there. Hit me like a ton of bricks. And, as I look back on this blog, in my journal, at the notes in my scriptures, I can see even more clearly now the very definite guidance of the Lord through everything. He really has been there through it all. The reward of my diligence and faithfulness is truly manifest in the joy and peace I feel now.

So, to all of you that have cried tears of sorrow for my deep pain, cry with me now tears of joy for the goodness of the Lord and the peace that I am surrounded with now! :)

More than okay.

Since my blog has been my never-failing friend through everything, I have to document here and now that I am okay. I feel the Lord's love and compassion more than ever. I can see a glimpse of the future and it is so good and so beautiful. Elder Worthlin taught the Law of Compensation, including that every tear of sorrow now will be returned 100-fold with tears of joy. I feel it. I once had a blessing in which I was promised, "Happiness is right around the corner." I also have felt many times while in the temple that I "had to let go to be happy." I am happy. The promises are coming true and, once again, I am one of the lucky ones!

In other news, school was canceled today. We've made cookies, completed some projects, and currently have friends over. Love it. Wouldn't choose any other life than being a Mama to my kids. Once again, I am one of the lucky ones! :)

I joined the club.

Sometimes I am a little slow. Over a year ago, I joined Facebook. Then, with the craziness of this year, I chose not to participate for an extended period of time. I am back on Facebook now and, like many others, I feel it taking away some of my blogging time.

Honestly, though, Facebook or not, I feels so bogged down and busy lately. This last week has been Taxi Mom at its finest and I am still recovering from our health issue and then the vacation.

I have some wonderful pictures to show of Christmas....and I will soon, promise! :)

12 years, 7 months, 7 days

If there was a gravestone on our marriage, it would read:
May 24, 1997-December 31, 2009.

For so long, I thought it was May 24, 1997-Forever. I even have books and pictures that say this. Nope. It is over. And, we were married 12 years, 7 months, and 7 days.

I do have to say that the first 11 years were incredible. We had a great marriage and I treasure those memories. The last year and a half have been tough due to the many surprising decisions of XDH (Yep. Now that the divorce is final, his name has changed to XDH). Ironically, it was also just after Christmas almost exactly 13 years ago (January 3, 1997) that XDH proposed to me. He asked me to marry him in front of the Mt. Timpanogas temple, which is where we were married/sealed a few months later. Oh, the ironies of life!

I am ready. I am ready now to start a new life. The peace and calm that I feel demonstrates yet again to me how much my Heavenly Father knows me and just how much He is aware of me. How lucky I am!

D Day: The good, the bad, and the ugly

D day: Dooms Day, AKA Divorce Day

In less than 24 hours, I will be a divorced woman. Tomorrow is the day that DH is going to court.

The good: This last year has not been fun. It is kind of cool that the divorce will be final on the last day of 2009, allowing a completely brand new life for 2010.

The bad: DH told me what day he was going to court...even though I didn't want to know.

The ugly: OK, maybe not ugly, but I am somewhat frustrated....he asked ME to babysit the kids while he goes to court. How does that work? Asking your wife to watch the kids so you can go to court to finalize the divorce? So, he will drop them off tomorrow and we will be married. He will pick them up a few hours later and we will be divorced. C-R-A-Z-Y!

I know everyone wonders how I am doing. I am okay. I swing from deep sorrow that this divorce that was not in my life plan will be final so soon to relief that it is finally over. I can move on. I can close the door to 2009 and begin anew in 2010. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Love you all! Happy New Year! :)

One of the best Christmases ever!

I come home tomorrow. So sad to leave. I just have to say that what potentially could have been the very worst Christmas of my life was not. It was one of the very best. I'll post about it later (hopefully!).

I just love all my family and friends.

I am one of the lucky ones!

To Be Like Him

Merry Christmas to all!

My dad combined verses from 1st Corinthians 13 and Moroni 7. It really impacted me that these are the characteristics that I really need to focus on. Some, I am doing well on and others I have to work on. All, of course, I can improve on.

So, as I ponder even more my Savior this time of year, who He is, and how I can be like Him, I am looking at who I am and who I want to be.

Am I full of Charity? Do I...

• Suffer long?


• Am kind?


• Envy not?


• Am not puffed up?


• Seek not my own?


• Am not easily provoked?


• Think no evil?


• Rejoice not in iniquity, but rejoice in truth?


• Bear all things?


• Believe all things?


• Hope all things?


• Endure all things?

Great things to think about this time of year. I want so much to be like Him. Long way to go, but at least I have guidance (it is a list! What can be better?).

Colorado

We made it! We are here right now in Colorado. Much to the HUGE disappointment of my kids, there isn't much snow...just a little here and there in the shady places. Many prayers are being said for the snow. We will see what happens.

It was so amazing that we were even able to get here with the week we had the last 7 days. It is crazy to go through crowded airports with three kids by yourself. Really crazy! We didn't all get to sit together on the plane, but it turned out okay. The airline helped us many times. But, I am still scared about Monday....when we fly to visit DH's family in Utah. More crowds, more people, more stress. I think we are going to show up to the airport three hours early just so we can make it in time with all the kids and backpacks and carry-ons and security. It is crazy.

If I don't get back to y'all later...Merry Christmas. Don't forget the reason we celebrate. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves us. This I know.

Just when you think it can't get worse.....

......It does.

After all the health issues of this week, the drama with DH, and other dramas, this morning I was simultaneously sooooo ready to take the sacrament and so not wanting to even put forth the energy of going to church.

With much effort, I get the kids ready after DH drops them off (This is one thing I have to say about him.....he is flexible in letting them attend church 99% of the time. Kudos, DH!). We all get in the car and....it won't start. -sigh- It finally does and off to church we go....then K (who had been complaining of a stomach ache all morning) now says she thinks she is going to throw up. Oh, joy.

We get to church 13 minutes late. I park far away and reverse into my parking spot to make it easier if I need a jump after church and head in...barely making it for the sacrament in the foyer. Not exactly the quiet moments of reflection and peace I had envisioned.

What more could possibly go wrong?

Yet, what more could possibly be right?

In the midst of it all, Sacrament Meeting was amazing and the Spirit was so strong. I knew I was in the right place. Then, after dropping of the kids at DH's after church, I came home and watched a CES fireside from Elder Scott, given in 1999 (love the DVR!). It was just EXACTLY what I needed. Questions I'd had about my situation, DH, and where to go from here were all answered in the Lord's own way. Maybe I needed to feel so broken so I could be put together with the Lord's loving hands.

Thank-you for your thoughts and prayers. Keep them up. The rest of 2009 promises to still be difficult, but, for now...I am doing really well and, compared to yesterday, it feels sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good! :)

Addendum: I just had to document that we feel so loved tonight. Life was already 1,000,000% better than yesterday and to make it even better, we had an outpouring of love. We had carolers, doorbell ditchers, Relief Society presidency, and our dear Bishop and his wife all drop in on us just tonight. The Lord has taken care of us. He has shown his love through others and I am truly grateful. My support system has been immense and, I must admit, that while there are definitely times I feel so alone and abandoned, there are many more times that I feel so loved. Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you.

Yuck...it has happened.

It has happened....I, today, am the bitter and angry woman I have fought and fought and worked and worked for the last year and a half NOT to be. There is no use fighting it now. Yuck.

DH has been meaner to me in this last week than he has been in months (probably since July). I understand he doesn't want to be married to me....I am holding up my end and doing my part for the divorce, even though it is not what I want. Why does he have to be mean, malicious, and hurtful?????? Does he think it will be easier for me to be divorced if I hate my ex-husband?

All I know is I cannot do this any more. I feel so alone. It is Christmas and my friends need to be with their own families, not with a bitter, angry, soon-t0-be divorcee. I will never understand why my DH would want to do this. Never. I just feel so rejected, isolated, and completely alone.

The bitterness is here. I give in, surrender, and wave the white flag. Can't fight it any more.